


Barely Breathing

by 18au1



Category: SB19 (Band)
Genre: Angst and Drama, Angst and Feels, Angst and Romance, Developing Relationship, Divorce, Established Relationship, Eventual Smut, Falling In Love, Infidelity, M/M, Marriage, Married Couple, Married Life, Pre-Relationship, Same-Sex Marriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:14:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 60,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25463038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/18au1/pseuds/18au1
Summary: [COMPLETED STORY]A StellJun AUWhat happens when the trust you gave is shattered into a million pieces? Stell and Paulo have been married for two years, but their life suddenly turns around when Paulo did the worst thing you could ever do in a relationship, he cheats, forcing Stell to ask for a divorce.Will they be able to keep their relationship afloat? Or will they go on separate ways?
Relationships: Stellvester "Stell" Ajero/John Paulo Nase | Sejun
Comments: 88
Kudos: 295





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. I do not earn from this and I'm nor affiliated to SB19, ShowBT or any of its subsidiaries.
> 
> ** Partially inspired by The Last Five Years

**PROLOGUE**

"Why did you take me here?" He said while fixing the cuff of his suit.

"Can't I treat my husband to a nice dinner?" He leaned over to give his husband a quick peck on the cheek.

"You can, but you have a flight tomorrow. Isn't this a bit too late to be out? And why the suit? I'm already comfy in my sweatpants earlier." He browse the menu uncomfortably.

"I just. I need to be with you. I'll be gone for a week. I just want to be with you." He reach for his husband's hand. They are always soft. And pretty. Just like the rest of him.

"Ok, but we can stay home and be with each other. Isn't that better?"

"Yeah, I supposed. But you look so handsome in a suit, and I want to see you like this before I leave."

"Sus, Nase. Mga trip mo sa buhay."

"Huh?"

"Nothing. I said you're so spoiled."

"Hmm. You said trip. Can we ease up on the Tagalog. You know I'm still learning. I will learn it eventually you know."

"Fine, you've been saying that for two years though. Just one of your promises you can't keep." He breathe in a little deeper and his husband noticed.

"I'm sorry. I'll try harder. I promise." In an instant, he lifted his husband's hand to graze his lips over it. "I'll miss you, Stell."

"Don't be too mellow dramatic Paulo. You'll be home in a week."

"Yeah, but I'll miss you either way."

"Just don't bring home too much cheese like the last time. You'll get the same things here in New York." He chuckled remembering how he had to throw away most of it.

"Fine. I thought you love them, that's why."

"Bring chocolates instead." He smiled thinking how different their tastes are. Even in chocolates. Paulo likes them bitter. And he likes them sweet.

And it's not the only thing they don't agree on. Being married for two years certainly brought out all their differences.

And as he looks at Paulo, he wonders why and how they fell in love and got married in the first place when they are so different.


	2. The Day I Drowned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of the end. In Paulo's PoV.

**The Day I Drowned**   
**(In Paulo's PoV)**

****

  
"I want a divorce." Stell's firm voice shook me to the core. 

"Please, Stell. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I begged under my breath.

We are at our favorite restaurant in the city. Where we were just a week ago, having the time of our life as I told him I want to be with him before I head to Amsterdam for a business trip.

His eyes are fixed on the glass of wine in his hand. His other hand is down on his lap, fiddling with the hem of his suit.

I tried reaching for his hand, only to be met with a disgusted look on his face as his eyes landed on mine.

His calm is making me nervous.

"How can you do this to me?" Stell's quiet resolve and tone of voice is making me shiver. And what's worse is that I don't have an answer to his question.

I was drunk and had no idea what was going on that night. But it was my fault that it happened. And I can never forgive myself if I lose Stell over this. Because I'm a fuck up. And Stell doesn't deserve any of it.

"Stell, love, please let me explain." I begged. The people around us laughs as they enjoy the night. But Stell and I are at a stand still. In the middle of the restaurant.

"Don't use that word on me. Love? How can you say you love me and do this." Stell looks at me as if I'm the last person he wants to see. But his voice is steady and unwavering. "Did you forget? You have a FUCKING ring on your finger Paulo."

That single word bounces in my head. He would never curse. But this situation is too much and I can feel how uneasy he is. Being in the middle of this restaurant is taking a toll on him.

"Let's go. We don't have to wait for our food. Stell, let's just go. Please I'll explain everything." I'm half way up to call for the waiter to cancel our order when he hissed at me.

"No. Sit the fuck down. What? Are you afraid I'll make a scene?"

"No Stell. Just that, we need to talk in private. Please?" My mind is going crazy thinking about what would happen if we leave this place and go home. Will it still be our home?

Our food arrived just in time. Stell is about to open his mouth to speak, but the waiter cheefully placed two plates down in front of us. His Surf & Turf, and my Medium Rare Steak with green beans and potatoes on the side.

"Enjoy your food Mr. Nase, Mr. Ajero!" Our favorite waiter Eric beamed at us, oblivious to what's actually happening.

"Thanks Eric." I said while I smile tight lipped.

"Do you want some more wine Mr. Ajero?" Stell lifted his head up to see that his wine glass is empty.

"Sure."

Eric poured a 2016 Cabernet Franc from Six Mile Creek Vineyard on to Stell's glass. One of Stell's favorite. He's about to leave when Stell grabbed his wrist.

"Leave the wine, Eric. Thanks."

Eric looked at me to check. He knows I oversee our alcohol intake based on all the times we've been here. I nodded at him. I got my wallet out discreetly and fished a 50 dollar bill to slip it into Eric's hand. He thanked me and left as Stell drank the full content of his wine glass.

He'll be tipsy in no time, that I'm sure and there will be no way to discuss things properly when he goes to that state of mind.

I picked up the bottle of wine and placed it on my side of the table, beyond his reach.

He smirked as he muttered something, "Controlling my drink now. You can't even control yourself nung nasa Amsterdam ka. Huh."

I dismissed what I was about to say and we ate our dinner in silence.

Usually, after dinner at our favorite restaurant, Stell would drag me by the hand to the nearby Milkbar for his favorite Strawberry Shortcake Truffle. He'd bat his eyelashes so I would buy him some extra that we can take home and he'd sit in the living room just munching on those.

But this time, after getting his coat, he exited the restaurant without touching me, not even a glance and he walked straight towards our apartment.

I walk a few steps behind him, not knowing what to do or what to say. 

His back is slightly slouched and he walks exactly like someone who had finished a bottle of red wine. Once in a while, he would raise his head up and then stomp his feet loudly on the concrete.

Stell stopped walking as we reach the corner of our apartment complex. And I stopped a few feet away from him.

"Did you ever think of me before you slept with that girl?" He said with tears streaming down his face.

I just want to squeeze him in my arms. But I know it would only make things worse.

"Stell... I swear I didn't... I drank too much. I didn't know --"

"Didn't know you were having sex with someone else? Ang bullshit nun Paulo. Tangina. Putangina. How can you do this?"

I know a Tagalog curse word when I hear it. And I know he's that mad at me. And I can't do anything about it because he was right. I was careless. And I was stupid. And I'm the worst.

"Stell." I dragged my feet to be near him, but he only stepped away, turned his back and continued walking.

I walk wordlessly behind him.

When we got to our apartment, he went into the bedroom and locked himself in.

I sat on the couch feeling lost. This is it. This is what it feels like messing up your life and someone else's. This is what it feels like to be so messed up.

I heard a loud crashing sound from our bedroom and then followed by Stell's cries. I buried my head into my hands and felt the stream of tears on my face. 

This is what it feels like to drown.


	3. Perfectly Fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Four years ago Stell had an accident and a nice stranger helped him out.

**Perfectly Fine**   
**(In Stell's PoV, 4 Years Ago)**

****

"Watch out!" A loud voice rang in my ear even before a frisbee slammed into my shoulder. The initial fright cause me to backtrack, losing my balance in the process. The next thing I know, my butt hits the concrete jogging path, worried that my spine took the weight of the fall.

But eventually my behind hurts horribly and I knew immediately that it will bruise. I had a hard time standing up. And I cursed with the pain, "Argh, pota. What the hell."

A guy in an orange and black dri-fit shirt with a pair of black gym shorts approaches me quickly kneeling beside me. His eyes and face are almost hidden by a baseball cap, but when he talked, I noticed his dimples and braces instantly.

"Oh shit. Are you okay? Here let me help, can you stand up?" He said continuously as he tried to help me up. I winced my face and he noticed.

"Hey, I'm Paulo. This is gonna be weird, but trust me for a bit?"

He didn't wait for my response.

He threw the frisbee to his friends who are just looking our way, carefully lifted my hands that's supporting my weight and wrapped them around his neck.

"Hold on tight." He said while his face is just a few inches away from mine and I can almost smell a combination of his sweat and his minty breath.

I obliged because I can see how the people on the path are throwing us dirty looks as they swerve slightly to avoid crashing into the two of us. They are probably thinking we are doing it on purpose and I have the urge to scream at them. Screw being friendly at the park. My butt freaking hurts right now.

I felt his one hand behind my knees and another supporting my back as he lifts me up effortlessly. I can feel his bicep flexing behind my back as he walks to the nearest bench to put me down.

I think one of my butt cheeks landed first, and I can feel it aching, so I shifted my weignt to the other to feel more comfortable.

"Thanks. Uh. Paulo, right?" I said embarassed. All my annoyance gone from being hit by a frisbee.

My shoulder stings a bit and he noticed that too.

"Really sorry about this. My friend's an asshole. Will make sure to kick his butt for you... uh..." 

He looked expectantly at me and it took a while for me to realize that he's asking for my name.

"Stell. Vester. Or just Stell." I said feeling myself stammering.

"Yeah well, Stell. I'll kick my friend's butt for you. Does it hurt?" He placed his palm over my shoulder. "Oi it's burning up. You should really ice it. Do you live near?"

The question surprised me. What if I do? This stranger is suddenly being too nosy.

"What? Uh a bit. Around 10min walk from here." I said a little bit guarded.

"Can you walk?"

There's an apparent worry in his voice even if I can't see his eyes properly. He looked at his friends who continued playing without him.

"Can you wait here? I mean you probably can't walk properly, so just sit there for a bit." He stood up and run over to his friends. His toned legs are all I noticed as he ran away from me. I felt my face got flushed. Probably from everything that's happening, but also because of this man who took over the situation without even asking me. And I have no heart to tell him that I refuse his help.

I tried standing up without waiting for him. My legs are fine, even if a little wobbly, but my behind probably bruised already as the pain shoots down my leg as I try to step forward, putting all my weight on it was a terrible idea.

I've made progress and have walked a few minutes when I heard my name being called. No denying he's calling me. I don't think there's any other Stell in Central Park at this time.

I continued walking without looking back. But my feet and legs are betraying me as it aches, making it harder for me to walk fast.

He caught up to me in no time, falling beside me and immediately holding my elbow to help.

As I look at him to tell him that I'm okay, he removed his baseball cap and shook his head to fix his hair.

I immediately felt my heart beating so fast and my brain stopped questioning his help. He looked at me gently, shaking his fringe in the process.

"Let me help you."

His eyes bore into me like no eyes has ever done before. They are almond shaped, with light brown irises, not too big and the corner of his eyes crinkle as he smiled at me sincerely.

"Ok, just up to my front steps." I said as I look away, before I completely drown in his eyes.

"Yup, promise I won't force my way in." He laughed softly as if he's so amused with his own little joke.

"Right." I said non-comitally as I walk slowly down the path.

We were both quiet as we walk side by side. His hand still on my elbow. I don't know if it's helping, but my ass cheek hurt and the pain continues to frighten me. This will bruise real bad, I thought.

"Fuck." I cursed under my breath as I remember my audition in the next two days.

"What? Why?" He asked surprised by the sudden dirty word.

I was about to answer him when my foot slipped as pain shoots down my leg.

He caught me by the waist just in time, helping me up for the 2nd time today.

His hand glides sideways from my waist to my lower back. And it's not just pain that I'm feeling all of a sudden. It's like butterflies decided to reside in my stomach as I feel his gentle hand guiding my back. I looked at him from my peripheral. And I can't help but curse under my breath again, this time a bit quieter, as I realize how good looking he is.

"That's it. I'm going beyond your steps and into your unit. I don't care what you say. You look like you're in serious pain. You can have my driver's license if you're afraid I'm a bad guy."

He lets go of my waist and I felt an immediate longing for his touch. At the same tine I reprimanded myself for being this weak to someone I don't even know.

We stopped walking as he fished out his wallet from behind his gym shorts and passed me his license.

He wasn't kidding. He looks like a nice guy in the photo. I returned the plastic to him, smiling a bit.

"Fine, I believe you. Can't blame me for being cautious." I said as I continued walking.

He quickly inserted the card into his wallet and walked briskly after me, his hand finding its way back to my waist.

I'm not sure if he heard my sigh of contentment when I felt the tip of his finger accidentally trace the hollow of my back.

We reached the steps to my apartment building. He looked up and smiled. "Nice apartment." He compliments.

"Thanks, I don't own it."

He laughed, so amused by what I said. Hmm, I thought, someone who can appreciate my dry humor.

He helped me climb up the six steps to the main door as I buzz in. "Hi, it's Stell. I came from jogging so I don't have a key with me." 

There's buzzing and a voice of a lively woman from behind the intercom, "Hey Stell, welcome back."

I pressed the button, "Thanks Allie!", and pushed the door.

There's a couple more flights of stairs before I reach the red door of my apartment.

Paulo was surprised when I opened the door without putting in a key.

"Wait. You don't lock your door?" His eyes widened in amazement.

"I do. Rarely. No one lives in my floor and most of the tenants, I'm friends with." I said a bit defensively.

"Ok, that's interesting. But okay."

We both entered my apartment. I removed my running shoes and placed them in a shoe cabinet in the foyer. 

"You don't have to remove yours." I said a little embarassed. But he's already down on his knees removing his cleats, which is a bit muddy. I smiled at the thought that I didn't have to tell him even once and just did it by himseld showing how he respects my space.

"Can I just put it here first?" He asked as he removed his socks too. "Sorry I had to remove these too. Unless you want your living room to stink."

He's exagerating of course because I can't even smell anything aside from our sweat. He was playing ultimate frisbee and I was jogging. It's understandable how sweaty we are.

I opened the closet and pulled out a pair of guest slippers. He thanked me and slipped it on.

My apartment is pretty small. But for New York it's understandable. It's not the most wealthy, not even the second wealthiest part of town, but it's comfortable and relatively near the park which made me choose it, even if the rent is far too high compared to my old condo unit in Manila. 

But as they say, 'I wanna be a part of it. New York New York.' My dream is here so I had to move. HAD. I had no other choice but to follow my heart to Broadway. My dream.

I asked him to sit down on the couch, but he chose to sit at a chair in the dining area.

"Beer? Juice? Water? Soda?" I asked him rapidly.

"I'm fine with anything except beer. It's 3pm." He said smiling at me. His smile, with his braces, it's making me a bit weak in the knees.

I got him a glass of orange juice and sat down opposite him.

"Hey, thanks. Really. You didn't have to send me home."

"No worries. My asshole friend will hear about this. I'll probably tell him I have to send you to a hospital." He said chuckling.

"Don't do that. Really, I'm fine."

"Okay. But I'll do it anyway. Just for laughs."

He pulled out his phone from his pocket and passed it to me. "Hey, type down your number. In case I have to check on you." He said casually.

How can he say these things and make me instantly do it? Am I being hypnotized? Most probably, as I reach for his phone and typed my number and my name.

I saw him adding a smiley with a blushing face beside my name.

"What's that for?" I asked.

"Uh, just to remind myself who you are."

"Ah. And I look like that?"

"You have a pretty smile. I mean you smiled just a few times. But it was pretty. So yeah, a smiley face blushing suits you."

And with that I felt a sudden heat on my face surfacing. He's probably right. I blush easily.

He looked at his wrist watch and drank his juice in one go.

"Hey Stell. I have to go. Are you ok here alone? I mean with your injury and all?" He stood up and I followed him to the door as he puts his shoes back on.

"I'll be fine. I'll probably drink a pain reliever and sleep it off. Thanks again."

"No worries. Hey sorry again, about my friend."

"Wala yun." The sudden Tagalog surprised us both.

"Huh?" His eyebrow lifted up a bit.

"I mean, it's nothing."

"No, no. I get it. You're Pinoy right?"

I nodded.

"I'm 3/4 Filipino and the rest is a mystery. I have to ask my dad. But yeah! Mabuhay?"

I laughed at Mabuhay since no one really talks or greets like that in Manila. His Filipino accent adding to the list of cute things about him.

"I think you're a bit outdated Paulo. No one says Mabuhay anymore. Or like ever. Everyone juat says hi or hello." I touched his arm to show my amusement.

"Oh. Sorry. At least I tried?" He said while holding the door knob, getting ready to go out.

"Ok, A for effort. Bye Paulo."

"Bye Stell. I'll call you."

I closed the door behind him. Placed my back against the door frame and stared into nothingness for a few seconds.

Damn. I have a crush. This is okay. I'm fine. He's perfectly fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story is open for discussion if you want. Or maybe just to say hi. :)


	4. Breathing Harder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The present in Paulo's point of view.

**Breathing Harder**   
**(In Paulo's PoV, Present Day)**

****

I sat in silence the rest of the night when I figured Stell won't open the door to our bedroom.

I knocked on our door several times in a span of six hours whenever he stops crying.

At one point in the night, I sat by the bedroom door, talking to no one on particular. I didn't care if he can hear me. I just want to let him know how sorry I am.

"Stell, I'm sorry. I have no excuse for what I did. I'm sorry this has to happen. I will do everything just to make it right. Please, Stell. I love you. I... I didn't know what I was doing. Stell..."

I heard muffled sobbing behind the door. "Baby, please, let me in. I just want to talk. I won't bother you. I won't touch you. Just let me make this right."

He ignored everything and he has all the right to do so.

By 4am, I felt tired and sleepy, so I lied down on the couch feeling the weight of what I did pull me down far beyond what I can comprehend.

I wake up every 20-30 minutes, imagining him coming out of our bedroom. But Stell's will is rock solid and unbreakable.

When I finally opened my eyes at 7am, the living room is filled with morning sunlight. Birds chirping outside perched without a worry on a tree branch.

My head hurts from my disturbed sleep. It's as if my mind is telling me not to ease up and to be be hopeful that Stell will come out of the bedroom soon enough.

I stretched my arms. I'm still wearing my button down shirt, now crinkled from lying down in it.

I stood up and went over to our bedroom door for the nth time in 9 hours.

I can hear him moving inside. Feet dragging on the the wooden floor. I heard a door slam and I knew instantly that he's in the shower.

I waited patiently on the couch, my untucked shirt so full of wrinkles. My hair in disarray. I went over to our storage to get extra toothbrush and toothpaste so I can brush my teeth.

The shower stopped in the distant as I press my ear on the door. Please open up. I kept repeating to myself.

He's been crying on and off last night and I'm worried that he'd be tired and hungry, so I went to the kitchen and prepared us some breakfast. I'd really like to go out for a bit to get him the bagels he love so much, but I'm afraid he will leave without me knowing if I'm not here.

My button down is making me anxious as I sit at the table waiting, it irritates me how the material is clinging to my skin from having been worn too long. But the closet is inside our bedroom.

I undid the buttons of the shirt to sort of relieve myself from the uneasiness. I'm halfway through, my chest exposed slightly, when I heard the bedroom door open.

I stood up immediately, only to see Stell in running shorts and a long-sleeved running shirt. His hair is a little bit damp from shower and his eyes avoided me immediately.

His lips are pursed tightly, far different from when he'd wake up in the morning smiling at me, making sure I had a good night sleep. But I guess for now it's wishful thinking for him to have that smile.

I went near him to kiss his cheek and was surprised that he let me. But he didn't look at me and just stood motionless infront of the bedroom after I kissed him.

"I made breakfast, you must be hungry." I said as I run my hand up and down his arm.

He nodded and walked over to the dining table where toasts and eggs are neatly plated. He peered in and picked up a toast without talking.

He went to a cupboard next to get his water bottle, filled it up and started for the door.

I instantly grabbed his wrist as he walks away. He looked at my hand on his wrist and then at me, with as much coldness as New York in winter, making me let go of his hand immediately.

When I did, he walked straight to the door, "Where are you going?" I said in a hushed tone. I didn't expect for an answer, but when he did, it's even more painful than how he acted just now.

"Jogging. I won't stop my life just because you cheated on me."

He reached the door and closed it gently like he always would.

I sat down at he dining table, looking straight ahead not knowing what to do.

His coldness is something not new to me. There would be days that we would argue and he would not talk nor look at me.

But this attitude is sort of new to me. I can't blame him for it. But it made me even more anxious than I already am because it isn't what I expected.

I expected verbal assault from him. Something that would make me drop to my knees so I can apologize, for the stupid thing I did. I expected a slap, even a punch. I expected for him to hate me so much that he would run away and leave me. So I can apologize some more and bring him back home. Where we can both heal together.

I hate that I am romanticizing things. I hate how my mind works sometimes.

But none of that happened, and here I am left alone at home, feeling the guilt of having slept with another, overthinking the way Stell dealt with me and wanting something to drink.

I walked over to the cupboard to get a bottle of rum and a glass. I poured just enough and took a swig of the alcohol, burning my throat this early in the morning. After I had a few more, I placed the bottle back in the cupboard and started cleaning up the table.

As I was clearing the plates, a sudden image appeared in my mind. A hazy vision of a woman passing me alcohol, her smile teasing, as if I haven't drank enough. I took it from her of course, telling myself that I can handle it. She smiled when I took it. She passed me another, her hand grazing mine sensuously, a green liquid in a small shot glass. I knew it was something forbidden when she winked before urging me to drown it down. I obliged. My judgement betrayed me and fucking drank it.

A spoon slipped from the plate I was carrying bringing me back to the present. I looked at the plate and the perfect sunny side up egg is sitting there as if judging me.

My mind got hazy and I threw everything I'm holding on to the sink. Two plates breaking into the middle. The egg yolk breaking in the process and bled its way onto the bottom of the sink.

I can feel myself burning up from the glasses of rum that I just had. The way my button down clings to my skin is making me mad. The dirty fabric having been worn overnight is giving me immense anxiety that I have no other way but to rip it off of me. 

Instead of carefully removing the remaining buttons, I pulled them apart, buttons flying everywhere as I walk towards the bedroom. I slipped the offending article off my body and threw it haphazardly on the floor. I unbuttoned my pants and slipped it off of me with my boxers as I angrily opened the door to the shower.

"Fuck!" I shouted as the cold water hit my body. I'm surprised when I came to my senses and dialled the hot water in, mixing with the cold. And I finally breathed a little easier as lukewarm water washes my hair and my skin.

I stood motionless, letting the rainshower hit my head. Memories of Amsterdam flooding my senses.

When I woke up that morning with a massive headache, it didn't immediately register that there was someone beside me until my phone alarmed. I looked around figuring out where the sound is coming from. I knew it was my phone, but it's not on my sidetable. My heart dropped when I reached down under the blanket and felt a woman's body beside me.

I jumped out of bed, holding my head trying to remember something. Anything. It's all fuzzy but I can clearly remember a woman clinging to me. And it made my head hurt even more. The alarm stopped, but I can't make myself go near the bed. 

I instead entered the bathroom, holding my head between my hands, feeling disgusted at the situation. Stell's face registered in my mind and I immediately felt hot tears falling from my face.

As I stood under the shower now, I feel the same disgust for myself as I did then. My eyes welled up as lukewarm water mix with my tears.

I reach for the tiled bathroom wall, extending my arm to feel the hard surface under my knuckles. I punched the wall lightly at first, testing how it would feel. And then the pressure on my punches became harder until finally, I forced my hand on to the tiles, leaving a red mark where my knuckle is.

I looked at my hand, red stains mixing in with the rainshower, disappearing then blooming again.

I don't feel the pain. It's as if I'm numb from all the other pain in my body, except from the pain in my heart.

I'm disgusted with myself and I don't know what to do about it.

Having been dealt with like that by Stell earlier made my self-hatred even more pronounce.

I can take his hatred. I can take hurtful words. But what I can't live with is his indifference. Because if he's indifferent, it means he doesn't care. And I don't think I can't live a day without Stell caring for me.

I slinked down into the shower area on my knees, holding my knuckle as it bleeds. The scarlet liquid mixing with the water, disappearing as it hits the floor.

My mind suddenly went into hate mode. I hate myself. I'm a terrible person. Stell doesn't deserve this.

All of a sudden, the hot air in the shower is making me dizzy, attacking my senses. The water falling on my face suddenly feels so strong that I feel like I'm drowning. My heart is trying to beat out of my chest. I inhaled deeply, but the air doesn't seem to be reaching my lungs. My thoughts got muddled. I breathe rapidly. It's getting harder to breathe.


	5. Say You Love Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Four years ago, Paulo invited Stell for a 4th of July weekend with his friends.

**Say You Love Me**   
**(In Stell's PoV, 4 years ago)**

****

It's really not unusual when I got a call from Paulo one day in June asking if I want to go to Upstate NY for July 4th.

We've been talking frequently for the past 2 months, eventhough we've only gone out once, to jog and I brought him to my favorite bagel place.

That's really not considered a date, even a friendly date because he had to leave quickly for a supposed meeting.

I don't know a lot of very important people since living here and I've only been exposed to the "artsy crowd" being into theater and all, but John Paulo Nase is definitely one of them.

"Hey, where are you celebrating July 4th?" He asked as soon as I picked up the phone. 

"Uh, hi?" I said, pretending I don't know who's calling. He's done this before. Maybe when you're too busy, you don't really say hi or hello. No pleasantries, just straight to the point.

"Stell, this is Paulo." He said a little bit apologetic.

"I know. But no hi or hello?" I rolled my eyes even if he can't see me.

"Sorry, I've been so used to my friends not having pleasantries when we call each other. Hi Stell."

"Better. Hi Paulo."

Have I just been inaugurated from being a casual acquaintance to being friend? 

I mean we have been talking a lot. Mostly at night, when everything's calmed down from his busy schedule. Mostly when he's about to sleep and his inhibitions are down. Sometimes after client meetings where he had to drink. It's not daily, but a week won't pass by without at least three calls from him.

The first call was something I didn't expect then because it was at the same night when we met at the park.

"Hey Stell. This is Paulo."

"Uh, hi. This is a surprise." I said to him honestly because I really didn't expect a call from him.

"Good surprise?" He said, voice raspy and attractive.

"I guess so. What's up?" I said cooly. I don't want him to think I'm actually quite pleased with this call. Others would call it "pakipot", I call it self-preservation.

"How's your injury? Just want to check if you need anything?" Goodlooking and thoughtful. How can a guy like this exist?

"I'm actually drunk on painkillers right now, so excuse me if I blurt out anything inappropriate."

I wasn't lying then, but I might have exaggerated things. If I didn't the conversation would have ended sooner.

"Oh, ok. Let's see how inappropriate you can get." Paulo said laughing slightly.

"I mean we can't force it, but if we talk longer, maybe it might."

I can feel him smiling on the other line, "Well, let's keep this conversation longer then, Stell."

I blushed. I don't know what got into me, but hearing my name from him made me feel like a lovestruck teenager. Not that I am inlove.

We talked for close to 4 hours that night. I don't remember everything we talked about because everything was just so random. None of the structure of an actual conversation between two people who just met.

By the end of the night, my crush sort of dissipate and turned into that feeling when you really really want to be friends with someone.

He's intelligent. Very intelligent in fact that in the four hours talking to him, I don't remember how many times I asked him to repeat something. And he would explain it to me ever ao patiently.

It's like he's a professor of life and despite our age difference of juat one year, I feel like I haven't experienced the world as he did.

Despite being able to talk about various topics though, he still remained to be an enigma by the time we put the phone down. No talks about personal life. Just opinion on anything and everything.

"You scammed me Stell." He said seriously as we were about to end the call.

"Why?" I asked almost embarassed.

"I was waiting for the inappropriate Stell to appear. You held it together for four hours. Congratulations."

"Wait? Have we been talking for 4 hours?" I brought my phone up to my face to look at the time. "Shit. We have been on the phone for four hours."

He laughed heartily. His voice obviously a bit hoarse from talking too much that when he spoke, what was attractive earlier in the night just got a bit sexier in my ear.

"Is this new?" He asked.

"What is?"

"Talking to someone this long." 

It's getting more and more impossible to ignore the sound of his voice by this time.

"Yes. This is the longest I've gone without getting bored." It honestly is.

"I like talking to you too. We should do this again some time." He said without a trace of malice. It looks like he just wants to be able to converse like that. Maybe it also helped that I listen intently and have never interrupted him.

"I'd like that."

"Good night Stell."

There it is again. Butterflies in my stomach as he said my name.

"You too Paulo. Good night."

I twisted my face, smiling like I've never smiled before. I slept well that night, cuddling a pillow in between my thighs. There's certainly something about that man and I can't help but think this would be an interesting journey.

"Hello? Stell, you there?" My wandering mind jolted back to present hearing his rushed voice. "July 4th? Any plans?"

"Uhh, no, I don't think I have. But my neighbors are willing to take me in to celebrate. Why?"

"Give me 5 minutes." He said on the phone.

"Oh. Ok." I answered, a bit confused.

"No Stell, sorry I was talking to someone here."

"Ahh ok, thought you were talking to me." It's getting embarassing by the minute. Paulo is definitely a busy man.

"I was. Anyway, some friends and I rented a house Upstate. Would you like to come with us? It will just be close friends. No big party, just to hangout for a couple of days." He explained.

"Uhm, you sure you want me to come?" I asked hesitantly. It sounds exciting since I haven't really celebrated July 4th before.

"Yeah, I'm sure. If you want to." The sincerity in his voice didn't go unnotice.

"Ok, sure. Would love to." My heart suddenly beats 2x faster. Spending two days with him when we haven't even seen each other since that last morning jog and that was 5 weeks ago.

"Great! I'll pick you up at 8am on the 3rd. Bring your swimwear! There's a pool and lake nearby in case you want to swim. And a light jacket for evenings? It can get pretty chilly at night."

"Okay, noted. Should I bring anything for the trip? Food? Booze? Games?" I really have no idea what happens during celebrations like these and I laughed internally thinking how dorky I must've sounded.

"Just bring your pretty self." He said casually.

"What?" The surprise in my voice apparent.

He chuckled, obviously suppressing a laugh. Whatever he thought my reaction would be, he succeeded. "Nothing, you don't have to bring anything unless you want to. You being there is enough." There's that sincerity again.

"Fine. Thanks for inviting me."

"See you on the 3rd Stell! 8am sharp."

"Ok, see you Paulo."

I clutched the phone to my chest after that oddly satisfying conversation. There's something different in his voice when we're not talking at night before bedtime.

His usually calming voice is more upbeat during the day. Must be due to his day being hectic.

During our midnight conversations, it would seem that he is always so tired and all he wants is someone to be there at the other end of the line with him. Join him in his melancholic, sometimes somber state.

There were times when he'd be so quiet on the phone that I would only hear his steady breathing and I would be a bit hesitant to disturb him. And then all of a sudden, he would speak in his thick, raspy voice. "Sorry, am I boring you?" And I would always answer no. Because really, how can I be bored when even the sound of his breathing makes me blush?

I don't know when it happened, but after that first night that we talked, with me thinking he'd be a good friend, everything I said just crumbled when I realized that I really do have a crush on him. And the more we talked, the more I am convinced that he is extraordinary and that I want to be as close to him as possible.

Despite that, I still find it hard to be the one to ask him out. Maybe because he exudes this aura of exclusivity? When you're in his favor, you can't help but be thankfulf that he has his attention on you and not ask for anything in return unless he's the one who asks for it first.

___

On July 3rd, at 7:55am, I stood at the bottom of the stairs infront of my apartment building with an overnight bag in one hand. It took me a while the night before to choose what to wear. I'm glad he doesn't have to come up to my apartment because it looks like a big hurricane passed by it.

I settled for something simple, a dark chino, black and white button down shirt and a pair of white canvas espadrilles.

At exactly 7:59am, a black Chrysler stopped in front of me. Paulo stepped out of the car in dark green plaid long sleeved shirt over a plain white tee and dark denims. I've only ever seen him in activewear, both times, so seeing him in this casual attire actually made my heart flutter for a while.

He smiled as he approached me to get the overnight bag from my hand and threw it in the trunk of his car.

"Get in." He said casually.

"Good morning." I said, emphasizing the words.

He caught on immediately and smirked. "Good morning, Stell."

"Pleasantries." I said plainly as I get in the passenger seat making him flash that boyish smile at me.

There's something to be said about being the passenger in a car. Someone driving you around is magical in itself, specially if that someone is a person you are attracted to.

I've driven a lot in Manila. Usually with people I'm dating or with friends. But being in this side of the car with Paulo Nase's presence just a few inches away is making me feel unexpected things.

He put on his glasses as we travel. He's been extra talkative talking about who's gonna be there at the rented house with us.

"Josh, my friend who drove that frisbee on your shoulder is gonna be there." He said chuckling. "You might want to spook him a little and tell him some white lies about you having stitches. That would really mess him up."

I don't know what kind of relationship he has with these people that we will be spending the weekend with but I'm pretty excited based on his stories.

I glance at him once in a while, only to stare at his side profile. The one earring he's wearing is dangling as he moves his head with the music. His lips move with the rap lyrics on the radio.

I was right. When I thought there wouldn't be awkwardness between us. I had a moment of panic about it last night, but then I pushed back the thought. We talk almost every night. I know him better than anyone now and I'd like to think he knows a lot about me too. But being this close to him only proves one thing. I'm starting to really like him.

___

The weekend went by pretty quickly. I expected things to be awkward at first with his friends, but they were all pretty cool.

Josh who he said was the one who made that throw with the frisbee that landed on my shoulder is my favorite amongst everyone. Aside from being blunt, we sort of have the same kind of humor. And without him, I would've never met Paulo.

I made a joke about him being without morals when he knew he hurt me that time and didn't even try apologizing to me. He glanced at Paulo, who's downing his beer in one go. I thought I saw him shaking his head. But then Josh, not being able to control his laughter said, "You better ask him why I didn't."

I directed my attention to Paulo who's still gulping down his beer, feigning innocence.

We are around a small bonfire seated in reclining wooden chairs and I'm beside him. I reached for his hand to call his attention. "What's that about?" I asked again.

"Josh just really doesn't have morals. Shame on you Josh." Paulo said giving Josh a dagger look.

Justin, who's the youngest of them all and also the one who has the brightest smile, beamed at me. "Paulo, I dare you to tell Stell what really happened."

"Shut up Justin." Paulo snapped making Justin make faces at him.

"No one's gonna tell me?" I asked, now both curious and excited.

"He warned Josh not to go near you and ran to you instead." Ken, the weirdest and quietest of them all who I thought wasn't listening because he was just on his phone finally spoke.

I looked at Paulo whose eyes are on Ken. Ken just shrugged it off and went back to his phone. Josh and Justin snickering in the corner together.

"What's that about?", I said in a hushed tone directed at him.

"It's nothing." He said as he stand up to get another beer from the cooler.

"You're not gonna tell me?" I urged carefully as he sits back down.

"There's nothing to say." He said while downing another beer.

I looked at Josh who is obviously so happy that Paulo is in that mood.

"You!" I pointed at Josh from the other side of the bonfire. "You owe me for hurting me that time. What's this about?"

Josh looked a bit panicked. He looks at Paulo who slightly nodded his head. It was quick and I almost missed it. Josh smiled as Paulo gets up to go inside the house. I was torn between following him and listening to Josh.

I let him go, staring at his back as he entered the house.

"Josh, this better be good." I warned him.

"He's been checking you out. Back at the park. You were running around at the path. You passed us by twice and he can't stop looking at you."

My mouth fell open, but I didn't let them know how exactly I feel about that revelation.

"So what? You decided to injure me so he can meet me?"

"Oi. Not exactly. That really was an accident. Maybe a good coincidence? Just so happens that it gave him a reason to meet you."

I sighed. I don't know what to do with this information. Specially when it looks like this is something Paulo refuses to talk about. Or is it?

Is this trip all about that? To let me know he saw me first? What is this really about?

My mind and my heart are both in an inexplicable state when I stood up to go after him.

Justin raised his eyebrows but otherwise smiled at me.

I caught up to him pulling some hard liquor from a cabinet.

"You're tired of beer?" I asked while I'm still a few feet away from him.

"I need something substantial." He said while getting a couple of glasses. "Rum?"

I nodded at the offer. We carried our glasses and the bottle of rum at the wooden deck in front of the house where there are wooden lounge chairs.

We sat down to talk, but I found it hard to discuss what I just learned from his friends so we talked about random things again. No complaints here. I'll talk to him about anything the whole night if that's what he wants.

By the time we are more than midway into the bottle of rum, I'm feeling woozy and my speech is obviously slurred.

"Shouuld go do bed." I told him.

I'm not sure how he can take his alcohol like a pro, but there is no sign of him being drunk aside from the red speckles on his cheeks. Looking at him so flushed and staring back at me made me both brave and weak.

"Shooo, Paulooo. You were sheckinn me out?" I clumsily hit his knee twice. The second time, he caught my hand.

"You're wasted, Stell."

"Am nooot. You're washhted."

"I'll get you to bed." He said still holding my hand.

"Nooo I'll get you do bed... Anshweer me firshht."

"Say you love me and I'll tell you."

That was a joke. Obviously a joke, but hearing the L word woke me up a little. What is he up to now?

"HA HA. Funny mooooo Pauuuloo." My Pinoy-ness is slipping out of my system. "But fooiinne... Labbyuu as frriend. Tell meee."

I guess he didn't expect me to say it even in my Filipino accent. He placed my hand on his lap. "Fine. You won't remember this in the morning anyway. You're wasted."

The sound of my heart drummed in my ear. But I won't deny it, I don't understand half of what he's saying anymore. Guess he's just telling me stories of how we met.

I can only understand a few words. Beautiful, attracted, meant to happen, my heart, thinking about you, friend, like.

He stopped talking, face so red about what he said. But my mind is blank by that time and I don't know what's happening.

The next thing I remember is him carrying me bridal style again. Hand behind my knees, my hands around his neck. But this time I buried my face against his chest. Feeling his heart beating fast. If it's for me, I am too drunk to know. All I know is that when he carefully laid me down in bed, covering me with a warm blanket and kissing my forehead, saying goodnight, I had to pull him closer to me. 

His face landed infront of mine. My eyes are half open, but I can see him weighing his options. He ghosted over my lips for a while. And I anticipated the pressure he would put in that first kiss.

I closed my eyes and waited. Until finally, his lips landed somewhere. Beside my lips where my mole is. 

"Goodnight Stell." He said whispering in my ear before he left.

I covered my eyes, a bit embarassed, but at the same time, sure of what I'm feeling.

Paulo Nase is the one.


	6. All That I Need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paulo and Stell address their situation. Sort of.

**All That I Need**   
**(In Paulo's PoV, Present Day)**

****

(Paulo's Flashback)

"Ken, do you believe in love at first sight?"

Ken peered at me from his phone with a thoughtful look on his face. He always have a blank stare, but I think he was caught off guard by my question.

"Is this about Stell?" Ken asked looking back down at his phone.

Justin and Josh went back to their respective offices after the four of us had lunch. Ken stayed back to have one drink with me before going back to work.

I wondered if I will tell him what happened during 4th of July when Stell learned about my little secret.

"He's pretty great, no?" I asked Ken back.

"Yeah, he's okay. So this is about him? Do you really think it was love at first sight? Knowing you." Ken took a sip from his highball.

"Well shit. Thanks for the boost of confidence Ken. I knew Justin would be better at this conversation." I said pretending to be offended.

"He would also bullshit you. You're talking to me because you know I won't sugarcoat things."

"Well. You have a point. I guess it's not love at first sight. More like an attraction at first sight? He just pulled me in. Even from afar."

I thought about the exact moment when I saw Stell. Lush hair in a bandana to keep it from his face as he ran around the jogging path. 

I remember everything freezing in my mind except for him. And I felt something within me.

"Let's be honest Paulo. You let your dick decide your path. He's pretty attractive." Ken admitted.

"He is. Specially upclose. His eyes really pulled me in." I remembered carrying him to a bench and how his hands felt on my neck.

"So you agree? That you really just want him. That's not love at first sight, dude." 

I hate how Ken is wiser than me sometimes. It looks like he would be empty because he doesn't talk much, but when he does, it's the truth.

"We almost kissed. Back at the lodge."

"And?"

"I didn't do it. He's wasted."

Ken laughed all of a sudden. "You lust over the guy for almost 2 months and when you had the chance you didn't do it? You deserve a standing ovation."

"Fuck you. I'm not lusting over him. I genuinely like him. I want to do it right."

Ken leaned in closer to me, "Dude, just make sure you do if you really like him. Otherwise don't make him believe in nothing. He's pretty great."

"I will. That's the plan. I'm gonna do it right this time."

___

My mind goes back from the reflections of the past when I heard keys dangling in the main door.

Thank God, he's home.

I carelessly wrapped my knuckle in gauze and placed the first aid kit back in the medicine cabinet before I went out to meet him.

I found him in the kitchen throwing the broken plates in the trash bin.

His face still looks indifferent and he didn't even react when he saw me.

"Stell." I said as I approach him. I reached him and touched his elbow.

He quickly shook my hand off, but his eyes lingered on my other hand with the bandage.

"I have to shower." He walked past me, straight to our bedroom, closing the door. I went over to check the doorknob, worried that he'd lock himself in again.

I relaxed when I pushed down on the handle and it opened.

I entered the bedroom quietly. The shirt I left on the floor is already gone. Stell must've picked it up on his way to the bathroom. He didn't wait long to lock himself in there instead.

I sat on the bed not knowing exactly what to do, when my phone rang suddenly.

Cameron's name showed up on the screen and I picked it up. "Cam, what's up?"

"Hey, ok, you're there. I've been calling you."

"Sorry had to take care of something. What is it?"

"We need you here today. Someone from Amsterdam called, they sent the papers over and they need you to review and make ammendments. And sign it if you're fine with it."

"They can't send a digital copy?"

"Nope. So get in here ASAP. Don't make me wait. This is important."

Cameron, my CFO has always been bossy. But also very good at taking care of financial stuff in the company.

"I'll try to come in, in the afternoon. I just need to take care of something." The exasperation in my voice must have sounded evident.

"Everything okay?" Cameron asked worriedly.

"Yeah, things are fine. Just cover for me while I'm out. Okay? When the papers arrive, start reading then fill me in with the details."

Cameron scoffed at me, "I'm not your secretary, but okay."

"That's not what I meant. You know this equally. We were both at that meeting Cam. You should know what we need to look out for."

"I know. Just wrap up whatever it is you need to do and come here."

"I will."

She hesitated for a bit but then asked, "How's Stell?"

"He's fine."

"Ok, tell him I said hi. And we should do lunch again the three of us, soon."

"I'll tell him. Bye Cam, see you later."

I dropped the call. The mention of Amsterdam messing with my calm again. I stared at the bathroom door, wondering what Stell is doing.

I walked over to the bathroom door and pressed my ear to listen in. The sound of water from the shower suddenly turned off and I heard the shower door open and close.

I sat back down on the bed, waiting for him to come out, fidgeting as I wait. I have no idea what to say to him or how to talk to him. I just know I miss him and I want to hug him. How long 'til he allows me to hug him again?

When the door opened, his head is hanging low. He has a towel wrapped around his waist and nothing else, droplets of water still dripping from his hair. He's holding a red pouch on his hand with a cross sign on it.

Without talking, he walked over to me and sat beside me in bed. He placed the red pouch between us, zipped it open and retrieved a ball of cotton and a bottle of iodine. He wordlessly lifted my hand up with the bandage without looking at me as I stare at him, a single tear forming in the corner of my eye.

He removed the haphazardly-tied bandage on my hand to reveal my reddish knuckle, the middle is raw where the skin tear, the part of my knuckle that got the most impact. He grazed the area with the iodine-soaked cotton ball as I feel the sting. I mentally laughed at myself bitterly, taking the pain of the impact from when I punched the wall much better than this tiny sting caused by the medicine on my skin.

I'm hyperaware of his hand on mine and it gave me a sense of temporary relief. He got a new strip of white gauze and carefully wrapped my knuckle around with it, making sure its secured before putting my hand back down gently on the bed.

He stood up holding the red pouch zipping it close as I panicked. I grabbed his hand on my own. He stopped as I place his fingers over my lips. "Thank you..." I said as he stand there unmoving.

After a few seconds that seem like hours, he pulled his hand away and went back to the bathroom.

"Stell... I'm so sorry, about everything." I blurted out as he stood over the sink. I know he can hear me by the way he shifted uncomfortably in his heels.

For the first time since he got home, we locked our eyes together. His lips are pursed tightly as they quiver. His eyes emotionless.

"I want a divorce." He said finally. The second time in two days.

I panicked and walked over to him. At this point, I don't care if I'm showing all my cards. Tears streaming down my face, I reached Stell and hugged him so tight that I myself can't breathe.

His hands hang on either side of him. I can feel his stiff body against mine as I cup his face, kissing every bit of it including his lips.

He stood there taking it all in, unmoving. The emotions of the two days taking its toll on me. He eventually pressed his hands on my chest, pushing me back, preventing me from being near. I placed my hands on his arm but he took it off almost immediately.

"Stell, please forgive me. I'm stupid. I fucked up. Please say something."

His eyes pierced through me. Our faces are inches away, I can see every vein in his eyes, already turning red as balls of tears form in them.

"I'm leaving." His words are firm and final.

"No, please. I'll do anything. Everything. Stell."

His tears finally fell and he wiped it down robotically. As if he'd learned from the past couple of days that his tears may start falling but he wouldn't let it affect his emotions.

I clutch his hand on my chest and he let me. I start kissing each of his finger, my head hanging low as I do.

"Look at me." He said with coldness in his voice.

I raised my head up to meet his gaze. Stray tears still falling from them. I'm still holding his hands.

"I have to go. I need time. You fucking hurt me, I didn't know if I can take it. You understand that? You broke me. Now I can't feel anything."

"Love, please. Don't leave me. You're all that i need. I can't stay here without you."

He smiled bitterly. 

"I'm all that you need? But you slept with someone else? How does that work?"

"It was a mistake Stell. It doesn't mean anything. Please, forgive me."

His next few words were barely a whisper. And in a language I can't fully comprehend. All I know is that for the first time, I saw emotions in his eyes.

"Hindi ganon kadali yon. Putangina. Wala na kong maramdaman. Hindi ko na alam gagawin ko."

He pushed me further away. I want to hold him again, but with a single "Please." I stopped moving and let him walk away from me.

He went into the walk in closet and closed the door behind him.

When he stepped out, he's dragging a small luggage behind him and went straight to the door.

"Stell... Please..." I begged of him. I closed the gap between us and hugged him from behind. Tight. Tighter.

"Paulo, please. I need time. I need this. I can't stay here with you. I can't even bear the thought being in the same room with you."

He peeled my hands off of him and I stood there motionless.

It's too much to think that when I get home from work, he won't be here. But he's right. If he needs this, who am I to dictate what he has to do.

I already messed up our lives when I gave in to the temptation, with or without fully knowing all the details. I owe this to him.

"W-where will you go? Stay here. I'll go. Just. You can stay here."

"I can't. This place will just remind me of what you did. I'll be at Josh's. I talked to him and he's the only one with a spare bedroom."

Our conversation went like we're in a bubble that's about to burst. Every words carefully delivered. Both of our eyes are dry by this time.

He started walking towards the door and by the time he reached it, my mind tells me that I can't let him go just like that.

I sprinted from our bedroom to where he's standing in a few seconds. I wrapped my arms around him. Buried my face in his neck as I keep on saying "Don't go."

But his mind is made up. And I don't have the right to change it.

"I need this. You said I'm all that you need. But this. Being away from you is what I need."

He opened the door and stepped out of our apartment without looking back.

I turned around and found my knees weak, bringing me down on the floor, my back against the door, hands clutching my head.

"You fucking messed up, you useless piece of shit." I whispered to myself. Feeling broken and incomplete. 


	7. Look in my Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the wake of that almost kiss, Stell waits, while Paulo tries to prove his worth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NC17/R18
> 
> This is purely fictional and based solely on my imagination. Not intended to harm or disrespect anyone.
> 
> Read at your own risk if you are a minor or doesn't like this genre.
> 
> Also, I'm no expert in this, so please bear with me.
> 
> Thanks!

**Look in my Eyes**   
**(In Stell's PoV, 4 years ago)**

Two weeks after that 4th of July weekend, I find myself standing at the bottom steps of my apartment building again. Waiting for Paulo to pull up in the curb and open the door for me for another date.

If we only saw each other once in the past 2 months before July 4th, these two weeks have been entirely different as he picks me up every other day to hang out. If he's not a busy man, I'm pretty sure I'll be seeing him daily and I won't complain.

The day after that almost kiss, I woke up with a massive headache. I went out of the bedroom where I seem to have slept alone, only to be annoyed by the constant chirping of birds. I remembered we're in a wooded area, so I calmed myself down and proceeded in the backyard where loud noises are coming from.

Josh, Ken and Justin are in the pool, enjoying the morning sun. Justin floating away in a tube, Josh pushing him lightly, his chin resting on the inflatable. Ken is hanging out by the edge of the pool, head tilted up wearing a pair of circular shades.

They all looked up as I approach them smiling.

"Good morning Stell! Slept well?" Justin asked almost too cheery.

"Hey Justin, I'd like to say yes, but my head is killing me. You guys have any painkillers?" I asked looking at each of them.

"Here. Take this." says a familiar voice behind me. That voice is impossibly sexy even at this hour and I felt a sudden blush bloom on my cheeks.

I turned around to see him in a white long sleeved shirt and gray sweatpants. His face and lips still a bit puffy from sleep. His hair is all over the place making him look more boyish than manly. If he doesn't have stubbles forming around his face, I would think he's a teenager who got lost in the woods. 

He's holding out 2 tablets on one palm and a glass of water in another.

"I'm good with one, thanks." I smiled at him and he smiled back.

"This one's mine. You're not the only one who drank a bit too much last night.

I took the tablet and water from him and drowned the medicine down. He swallowed his without water.

"How's your sleep?" He asked looking straight into my eyes and I remembered some of the things we talked about the night before. Random things including his old college roommate, my gap year in Japan, his favorite sleeping position, his guitar obsession in highschool and how I was once the phantom for a school production of The Phantom of the Opera.

"Unusually comfortable except for this headache." I told him as we walk towards the nearby table where a breakfast spread is, courtesy of the three who are in the pool.

They continued doing their own things as Paulo and I took a seat to have breakfast.

He sat down beside me instead of on the opposite side of the table, which surprised me a bit as his fingertips grazed my hand. I thought it was an accident, until he fully covered my hand with his palm for a good 5 seconds before removing it.

I don't understand what sort of magic he has over me because that simple touch sent me to a place I never thought I would be. I am in his world. A world where I matter to him. A world where his touches are commodity. Something I would need to breathe properly.

It took a bit for me to function again. I'm feeling so hungry. I haven't drank that much hard liquor in a while. And I was surprised that I held it in for as long as I can before I made a fool of myself in front of him.

God, what did I do last night? I can only stitch a few things together. Him carrying me and me snuggling close to his chest. I remember feeling his nose at the top of my head as he walked towards the bedroom. I clearly remembered how slurred my words are.

And that almost kiss. I may not remember everything he said last night, but I remembered feeling the warmth of his breath mixed with alcohol awfully near my lips.

I touched the area where his lips were and he noticed.

He leaned closer, "I'd rather kiss you when you can remember it the next day."

Holy shit this isn't happening. His voice in my ear is a gift in itself.

I faced him to deny that I wanted the kiss, just to save myself a little from embarassment. He took a bite out of the bagel with cream cheese on his hand and beamed at me, "It's useless to deny it. You know?"

"Fine." I said a little bit annoyed, only because he was right. "That's a bit unfair of you to kiss me there though. Though it must've taken a lot of self-control not to kiss my lips." He's still staring at me so I licked my lips quickly making sure he got the message.

One point. It's his turn to blush. His smooth fair cheeks suddenly registered deep red marks spreading to his neck and ear.

A smudge of cream cheese stained the side of his mouth without him knowing. I can't help myself, "Hey, you have a - Here let me get that for you." I swiped the side of his mouth with my thumb and he blushed even more.

"Teasing now are we? I thought you're shy Stell. It's only 8am."

"I'm not teasing. Just saying you could have kissed me but you didn't. You missed the window."

"Come on Stell. We both know I can try again and you would let me."

"Grabe ka naman sa kapal Paulo." I laugh as he twists his face trying to decipher what I said.

"And that means?" He asked looking both amused and annoyed.

"Nothing important. But also, no. Now that I think about it, I don't think you can get me that easily." I said confidently.

"You sure about that?" He asks, it seemed like I gave him a challenge.

"Yup, pretty confident that you would need to work extra hard to get that kiss that you missed."

___

I was startled when a car suddenly pulled up infront of me.

I was just thinking about how we flirted that whole morning, touching each other's hands lightly throughout the day and how our succeeding dates have been a whole ritual of flirting with each other.

He has not kept his words so far, he hasn't tried to kiss me yet again. It seems like he's dragging it so I'd be the one to actually make a move.

And honestly, although I promised that he would have a hard time with me, my actions the past two weeks didn't reflect any of that.

There are times, when I actually want to do the first move but I controlled myself up to this point and I won't give him the satisfaction of letting him know how much I'm yearning for it.

It's humiliating, but I must admit, that every time we go out, I expect to have that first kiss. Two weeks and counting.

I bent down to wave at him and to signal that he doesn't have to go out to open the door for me. I opened the car door and slid into the seat, buckling my seatbelt firmly. 

He leaned in a little, "Hi. Did you wait long? Sorry it's been a busy day at the office." He said as he pushed the gear to drive.

"Not really, it's fine. Where are we going today?" I asked as I shifted to face him a little.

He called me yesterday asking me out and to dress in a suit if I have one saying he'll bring me to dinner and a movie. I was a bit confused why we needed to dress up for the movie, but I did anyway, honestly so excited for what he has planned.

He glanced at me quickly before going back to driving.

"You look really good, Stell." 

There's something about the way Paulo said that, that makes me want to hide in the back seat. But I composed myself. He can't be seeing how happy I am to be with him.

"You look good yourself. Have you been wearing that the whole day? Or did you go home to change?" I asked checking out his dark blue suit and and white button down shirt.

"Why? Do I look worn out?" He said laughing slightly.

"No, no. Just wondering if you always look that good in the office." I said sincerely.

I found him smiling the widest smile he can muster. His braces glistening from the street lights. "No, actually. I have a spare shirt and suit in the office always. Thought I needed to impress you so I changed into this."

He popped the lapel of his suit while laughing.

We arrived at the restaurant a few moments later. I'm immediately in awe of how fancy it looked, but when we stepped inside, I felt comfortable. The restaurant looks expensive but also quite homey.

Paulo approached the host like he's been there lots of times. I'm not entirely sure if he keeps dollar bills in his pocket all the time, but he gave one to the valet attendant and discreetly handed another bill to the host who immediately asked someone to assist us to our table.

"Mr. Nase? Your usual table." 

The attendant pulled a chair for me as Paulo pulled his own, unbuttoning his suit before sitting down.

"Your usual table? What are you? The mafia?" I can't help pointing out that detail to him.

He laughs as he placed his phone on the table.

"I'm the mafia boss, fear me Mr. Ajero." He said glaring at me like he wants to jump me right then. It was a joke but I shivered a little.

"Seriously though. How often are you here?" I asked.

The side of his lips turned up into a side smile. "Not as much as you think."

"I don't believe that. Having a "usual" table is a clear sign you are here often."

"Shh." He leaned a bit towards me. "Don't tell anyone. They might think I'm rich."

I frowned a little. Impressed. But really curious, too. "Is this your big move?" I asked honestly.

"What big move?"

"A big move, you know, your way to impress someone, to get their attention."

"Did it work?" He said laughing.

"I'm not joking. So... is this it?"

Before he could answer, a waiter with a name plate that says 'Eric', presented us the menu, reciting their special for the night.

It's not that I'm not used to fine dining in Manila, but New York fine dining is way different. I asked Paulo what he's having and recited an awfully long description of a supposedly single dish.

I stared at the menu infront of me again and tried choosing the one with the word I'm familiar with. "Ok, I'll have the bacon wrapped veal ribeye, medium rare. Thanks Eric!" I said as I pass Eric the menu.

Paulo ordered a bottle of red wine, which supposedly pairs well with the veal I ordered and his steak.

As our waiter pours us a drink, I can't help but think about this lavish lifestyle that Paulo has.

We're not nearly that close yet where I can ask how he acts the way he acts (like someone from an upper middle class upbringing), how he became CEO of his own private equity firm (a small one according to him) at this age (27) and live this kind of lifestyle in the most expensive city in the world.

I don't think I would ever be prepared by his answer to any of that, but I look forward to knowing him a bit better.

"So? Is this it?" I asked going back to my original question. "How many people have you brought here so you can take them home right after?"

I surprised myself by having quite a sharp tongue tonight, but I really want to know if I'm special enough or just one of the numbers.

He caught my hand and tried looking at me with as much sincerity as he can.

"I've brought my parents here whenever they're in the city. My friends whom you met. And quite honestly, two people I dated before. And you."

Suddenly, I know I'm turning pink by the way heat spreads across my face. He lets go of my hand.

"I don't bring just anyone here. And it's certainly not the "big move". I don't even plan on taking you home tonight." He grinned at me.

"That's a relief." I said rolling my eyes at him.

I savored the moment, secretly hoping that whatever he said is true. Maybe I really am that much special to him. They said someone wouldn't spend this much time with you if you're not important or special. And I would really like to believe that I'm not just some conquest to him. Because each day that we're together, I'm getting closer to believing that this man is the one. No matter how long he hold out on that first kiss.

___

By the time we finish our dinner and a couple glasses of wine later, we are both in our best moods. But he kept looking at the time on his watch.

"Are we missing the movie?" I'm getting a bit concerned by the way he glances at his watch discreetly.

"Sort of. I really wouldn't want to miss this. Ready to go?"

"Yeah. What movie is it anyway?"

"This is supposed to be a surprise, but I scored tickets to Dear Evan Hansen. Ben Platt will be playing Evan tonight. And I remembered you telling me that you haven't seen it with him on it?"

My eyes widen at the mention of one of my favorite musicals with one of my favorite theater actors.

"You're kidding?"

"Nope."

"No way! Thank you! I knew this is not the only reason I'm a wearing a suit. Can we go?" I said excitedly. I don't care anymore if I look like a kid who was given a gadget for his birthday. But I can't contain my happiness.

I patiently waited for our bill to come. I offered to pay for the meal but he dismissed me. Thank goodness, because I had a peek at the bill and it's almost the amount of my one month rent. Suffice to say I was relieved.

We left the restaurant with his hand ghosting over the small of my back. I can feel his hand hovering. I'm feeling so excited, but I also want to feel his hand closer on my back, so I stopped abruptly, making his hand land on my waist. "You can keep it there." I said as I look back at him.

He smiled and sort of pulled me closer to him as we walk to the valet.

___

We're almost at Broadway when his phone rang. He peeked into his phone, pulled over to the side before quickly answering it when he saw who was calling.

"Hey. What's up? Everything okay?" He said with a bit of worry in his voice.

"I'm on my way to the theater. It can't wait?"

Muffled voice from the other end of the line.

"Shit. Sure that can't wait til later tonight?"

"I know it's early in Singapore. Yes... Yes of course. Fine I'll go to the office now."

My heart sank when I heard it. But also, I can't find it in my heart to be mad at him. He already treated me to a nice dinner and watching this show is something I want anyway.

He looked at me with disappointment in his eyes as I smile at him sadly. I don't mean for it to be that way, but I can't help my eyes from showing what I really feel.

"I'm so sorry, Stell." He said reaching for my hand. "You can go watch alone, I can drop you off. And I'll try to catch up before Act 2. I'm really sorry."

I contemplated his offer for a while. But then, Ben Platt can wait, I thought. I'm with a wonderful man who just brought me to the nicest restaurant and even surprised me to a play I've always wanted to see just because I mentioned it to him.

And quite honestly, all I want to be right now is beside him.

"Let's go to your office. Ben Platt and Evan can wait." I flashed him a smile and touched his hand.

I don't know what got into him, but he suddenly leaned closer to me. Testing if I would allow it.

My heart beats two times faster as I see him slowly approach me.

By this time, we don't need any words. His eyes are on me like they are supposed to, alternating between my own eyes and my lips.

I licked my lips lightly and breathe in as I feel his warm mouth over mine. There's none of the shyness you would normally feel during first kisses. Maybe because we have been both anticipating it. Or so I would like to believe.

Our lips are both parted, making it easier for him to prod my mouth with his tongue. When I felt the softness on my own tongue, I can't help but suck on it a little, making him release a quick whimper. "Uhhnn. Stell."

With him saying my name, I suddenly felt more alive. We are parked on the side of the street with people walking by, but I have no shame. I have been waiting for this for two weeks and based on how he's reacting to my kisses, he's been longing for it too.

I hooked one arm on his nape as he try pulling me in on my waist. We instinctively tilted our heads to lock our lips together fully.

My stomach is in knots. Waves of electricity running through my body as I feel him sucking on my bottom lip. His hand reaching for my back, him trying to pull me in closer.

When I heard my seatbelt snap as he removed it, our eyes zeroed in on each other. One moment we are deep into the kiss, the next we are laughing our asses off as the sound of the metallic end of the seatbelt slammed to the window.

He straightened his back and I put my seatbelt back in. "I should really get to the office." He said looking straight into my eyes.

My breath is still hitched as I nodded. "Okay. Yeah."

After he shifted gears, he reached for my hand and entwined our fingers together as our eyes met once again.

___

The office is dark when we arrived.

"I thought there would be more people." I admitted, following Paulo into the reception area after he tapped his proximity card on the reader.

"There's probably a couple of people, usually they stay up a little since we have partners in Asia. Not sure where everybody went though. Probably someone with a birthday or something." He said as we walk in an area with lots of computers. 

I looked around, amazed that Paulo actually owns all of it. "How many people works here?"

"Few. We started at 10, now we're at about 20."

He was right when he said the office is small. But for 20 people it is sufficient. His corner office is at the far end, even the thought of him having his own office is doing things to me.

When he mentioned he run his own company, what I have in mind was a rundown office with a few employees. Which is probably why he's busy.

But with about 20 employees under him, I can't say it's really a small company. Now I'm even more curious how this happened.

His office is decent size. One long couch and a single one, flushed against the full glass windown. His desk is on the other side. It's not a very big desk but it looks sturdy. He has a computer with a decent size monitor and a macbook beside it.

The office doesn't look dead at all, with live plants scattered around the small space.

"You want to stay here? I can open the conference room for you if you don't want to watch me work." He said as he opens up his computer.

"I'll stay. I think I'd enjoy watching you more than being alone."

He looked at me as if I was joking, so I said, "I'm serious. You better get used to me staring at you while you work."

"Hmm" he hummed. "I think I'd prefer you stay in the conference room."

"Make me." I said testing him.

"I'd rather not. I really need to ammend and send these files ASAP. My CFO is waiting on it in Singapore."

"Ok. Go work. I'll wait here quietly. No distractions, promise. I'll just.. Just think about that kiss 'til you're not busy anymore."

I saw his face turn red for the nth time as he hang his head low, touching the back of his neck. "I'm in trouble aren't I?"

"If you don't work now you will be. Go work Paulo. I'll wait."

"There's drinks in the fridge there if you want some. I'll be quick."

"Kulit! I'm fine. Go work!"

I directed my attention on the magazines at the coffee table and started flipping..

I can hear him tapping on the keyboard rapidly. Once in a while, I'd feel his eyes on me. Probably checking if I'd died of boredom. But I kept with my promise. I shut up and let him work.

After about 20 minutes, the tapping stopped. He stretched his arms and yawned, catching my attention.

I looked up from the magazine article I'm reading, only to find him looking at me with those beautiful eyes.

"Are you done? That was fast." I said closing the magazine. 

"Sort of, have to wait for the call to make sure everything's fine."

"I see. Okay then. Back to reading, I guess."

"Stell." My name coming from him, with that raspy voice is sending chills down my spine.

"Hmm?" I hummed as I continue flipping the magazine.

"Can you come here for a sec?" He asked in a perfect combination of commanding and shy.

I looked up from the magazine to make sure I can hear him correctly. "Huh?"

I'm confused, but what my mind can't comprehend, my body filled in with the details. He wants me near him and I want the same thing.

"I wanna show you something."

My heart lept from my chest as I approach his desk. I stood beside him as he opened a browser on his computer and showed it to me.

"Evan Hansen this weekend? My apology for what happened earlier."

I turned my gaze away from the computer and I caught his eyes. It is a very sweet gesture, one that deserves more than a thank you.

I pushed him lightly on to his desk making him lean on it. Before Paulo can even speak a word, I covered his mouth with my own, taking him in as if the makeout session at the car didn't end. He slipped his tongue in my mouth, taking control of the situation and I let him. 

I leaned in closer to him, pressing our bodies together. His hands gripping the table behind him as I cup his face with my own. The kisses grew heavily as I moan in his mouth. It's as if the little sounds I'm making is forcing him to go deeper into the kiss.

* * *

_**Start of NSFW - Read at your own risk. Please skip if uncomfortable, this won't change the story.** _

* * *

He turned both of us around so I'm the one leaning onto the table. He scooped me up without warning to sit me on top of the desk.

I opened my legs so he can position in between them. I smiled as I feel his growing erection at the inner side of my thigh.

I hesitantly brushed my palm at the tent forming in his pants. Just a tad, to see what he'll do. He raised his head up feeling the friction, but it was quick and it became clear to me that he wants more when he grabbed my hand to place it over what seemed like a fully erect cock inside his pants.

I rubbed his erection over the material as he continously attack my mouth with his kisses. In a swift motion, he grabbed a portion of my hair, tilting my head up, exposing my neck. He planted little kisses along my jaw and then to my neck, nipping and biting as he goes down.

We pulled each others suits haphazardly, tugging them clumsily as we both got freed from them. The two of us tossing it to the side.

I stared at the man infront of me, dark hair, plump lips, well built. I didn't know my body is this excited for him until I felt my strained erection trying to force itself out.

I unzipped my pants as he carefully unbutton my shirt. He buried his face on to the newly bared skin, sucking on the collarbone as he slips off the shirt from my body.

I felt the coldness of the room as I stand before him, upper body bare. I shivered more when he began staring me down. "God, you're beautiful." Paulo said as he crash our lips together again. 

I absentmindedly removed his shirt and then run my hands from his waist to his torso and to his chest.

He broke off the kiss to moan my name as I circled and pinched one of his erect nipples, "Ah, Stell."

I feel my erection getting worse and he kind of felt it too as he unbutton my jeans. I lifted my ass off the table so he can slide my pants and boxers down. 

When my cock is finally free from the offending material, he stared at it for a while before he looked at my face. "You're perfect." He said as I blush.  
  
"Can I?" He asked, while looking at my cock, spilling pre-cum from its head.

I wanted to bury my self at how polite he is. Getting my permission to be touched as if I was a virgin. It made me want him more.

And even more when I felt his warm hand along my length. "Ah!" I moaned in pleasure as his nimble fingers wrapped around my cock, his thumb smearing pre-cum from the tip. I shivered when he touched the sensitive area and I lean my body closer to him. Almost biting his shoulder down from the sensation.

He moved up and down steadily as he looked at my erect penis intently.

I have dreamt and imagined this moment since that almost kiss, but nothing could beat the actual feeling of his hands squeezing my cock, slowly moving them in a twisting motion.

"Ahh, Paulo."

He bent down to whisper something in my ear, "Can I suck you?" He said breathlessly. I nodded, before he helped me off the table. My legs wobble as my feet landed on the floor.

He kissed me passionately before dropping on his knees. He slowly run his tongue along my length, making me close my eyes tightly, one hand on the table to support myself, the other over my mouth to prevent a moan from slipping out.

Suddenly, I felt the loss of friction and his quiet, husky voice filled up my ear, "Stell, look in my eyes."

I immediately open my eyes to look down as he gaze up at me with pure lust. With our eyes locked onto each other, he playfully teased the crown of my cock as pre-cum continously dribble out of it to his tongue. He slowly slid his mouth down my cock as he stared at me. I immediately closed my eyes, as he hum in protest, the vibration making me more aroused than I already am.

I brought my gaze back to him, his plump red lips stretched around my cock is a magnificent view. I imagine myself with his cock on my own lips, god, what I would do to satisfy him.

He moved slowly at first, hollowing his mouth to accommodate my size. He grabbed my ass as he developed a rhythm. I'm being careful not to thrust my hips forward, but as his phase quicken, I can't help but jut my hips forward with his movement.

At one point, I'm deep enough in his mouth that the tip of my cock hits the back of his throat. I feel him gagging a bit, trying to adjust as his throat muscle squeeze my tip.

He wanted me to look at him, but the sensation, the way he's circling his tongue around my cock is making me feel crazy good. I threw my head up, my hair everywhere as I buck my hips, fucking his mouth.

"Paulo, ah, I'm near." 

He pumped me a few more times with his mouth and then lets go, replacing his hand where his mouth used to be, pumping me mercilessly as I release, spilling all over his chest.

I looked down only to see him looking up at me, with a bit of my cum at the side of his mouth. Before I can bend down to clear it off him, his tongue darts out to lick it. "Paulo. Fuck. You're so hot." I said as he stands up to kiss me. My cum rolling down his chest.

"D-do you have tissue? You're gonna mess up your pants.

"Let it " he said as he unbutton his pants. He reached down beyond his waistband to pull his cock out. He started pumping for his own release.

I gulped at how perfect his cock looks. "Let me." I said as I take over. He released it, staring at me as I pump steadily along his length.

I happily quicken my phase as we both hear his phone ringing. He looked at me wide-eyed, as I motioned him to answer it.

"He - llo." He said breathlessly, making me smile. Pumping him harder as I feel his impending release.

"Yeah.. Uh.. Uh-huh. Oh - aah - kay." 

"I'm good, ahh, I run from the - ah - pantry, when I heard your call."

"Bye Cam, talk to you later." He said quickly before slamming his phone on the table.

A few moments later, he placed his mouth over mine, kissing me passionately as his cum hit my stomach, rolling down my v-line before it hits the base of my own cock.

He draped his body over me for a minute as I hug him tight. "You were great." He sniffed my hair and whispered to me.

"No, you were." I said in return as my lips touch his ear.

He bent down in one of the drawers and pulled a wet tissue, placing it on the table. I laughed at the thought and said, "You came prepared? Pun intended."

He smirked at me. His swollen mouth looking enticing as he pouts. "Those are for emergency."

"Ok, is this the first "emergency" that happened here?"

"Yes Stell, I've never had my mouth around any else's cock in this office before. Just you."

I blushed at his bluntness, but I love that we are at this point where we can be this honest to each other.

"Good." I said while I kiss his lips quickly.

We fixed ourselves up and sort of sanitized his office before leaving.

* * *

End of NSFW

* * *

As we drove back home, with his hands on mine, my thoughts are all over the place. What now? Is this a start of something deeper between us? Or will this be just one of those things that people do?

Is this for keeps? Or will this end even before it starts?

I steal a glance at him. We've been talking and hanging out a lot, but there's still a lot of mystery left when it comes to Paulo.

I sighed as I stare at his face. No matter where this goes, all I know is that I am happy just to be with him. There's no turning back now. I've fallen in his trap, his big move and I have no way out.


	8. Without You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And the worst part is  
> Before it gets any better  
> We're headed for a cliff  
> And in the free fall I will realize  
> I'm better off when I hit the bottom"

**Without You**   
**(In Paulo's PoV, Present Day)**

****

"How is he?" I said exasperated as I sit with Josh at the bar of our favorite speakeasy, a glass of triple malt scotch whisky in front of me.

Josh adjusted on his seat then sips on his drink. "Know what? He's the same. Goes out, smiles when I tell a joke. He even cooks or brings home dinner."

"It's been a week Josh. I miss him."

"Have you been calling him?"

"He's not answering my call. I sent him flowers."

Josh looks at me, sadness apparent in his eyes. "About that. Dude, he's throwing them out. Maybe you should stop sending."

"I don't know what else to do. I can't just barge in at your place. He's gonna flip."

Josh reached for my shoulder and pat me on the back. "Maybe you should give him more time. You know him, it takes time specially with what happened."

"D-did he tell you?" I asked nervously.

"Just the jist. He's not telling me anything." Josh tapped my arm awkwardly. "Dude, what really happened?"

I narrated the story to Josh and he listened without judgement.

Josh and I go way back. We were classmates from middle school when he moved from California. Being two of the only Filipinos in our class, we gravitated towards each other instantly, having had the same type of upbringing.

Josh has always been the 'let's talk it out' type, which is a big help to me, because if I can avoid talking about my feelings, I won't. He's taught me that I can say whatever I want even to just one person, and he has been that only person for me, until I met Ken and Justin in college.

We have a lot of differences, but also a lot of similarities. He'd be the one to call me out whenever I mess up and he will always have an advice ready to straighten me out.

When Stell and him clicked, I'm the happiest I've ever been. And this situation right now is just one proof that Stell and him have developed a friendship just like Josh's and I's.

I would have been worried sick if Stell stayed somewhere else and staying with Josh gave me hope that he's just mulling things over and will eventually talk to me.

"He had lunch with Ken yesterday, by the way." Josh motioned to the bartender for another drink.

"Ken told me, said they just ate and talked about Stell's auditions."

The bartender filled up Josh's rockglass and asked him to just leave the bottle behind. "Ken said he asked Stell. You know how blunt he can be." Josh said while swirling his glass around.

"I know. Ken told me Stell isn't ready to tell him anything. He called me right after. Yelled at me. I mean at least Ken's equivalent of a yell. He was pissed at me. Told me to stop fucking around. I mean just imagine Ken losing it. That was what happened yesterday, I was in the office and Ken was yelling at me over the phone."

Josh smirked, but eventually sighed hard. "Honestly Pau. I would have too. That was pretty shitty what you did. We all know how much you love Stell. I mean you've gotten over your tendency to self-destruct when you met. I can't believe this happened to the two of you. Can't blame Stell if he's like this."

I propped my elbows on the bar counter and run my hands to my hair. "I fucked up Josh."

"Fucking right, you did. There's nothing else you can do man, but own up to it. And wait. For Stell to have a clearer mind for that conversation." Josh tapped my shoulder for the nth time today. I don't understand how I still deserve this friendship after everything.

I faced Josh, my eyes getting a bit blurry from beads of tears forming in the corner of my eyes. "He mentioned divorce twice. I can't do it. I won't."

Josh looked away, can't look at me because he knows what he was about to say is the right thing to say. "It's not your choice Pau, you can talk to him, but ultimately, it will be up to him."

If I was in a somber mood this whole week, it just became clearer to me that he might actually repeat about the divorce to when he finally talks to me and that makes me even more nervous. The thought of not having Stell in my life is unbearable. 

"Just, take care of him, will you? While he's there."

"You don't have to ask."

"Thanks Josh."

___

The door creaked and I turned my head in its direction when it swung open. Stell's head hang low as he removes the key from the keyhole. He has a huge bag that seemed empty with him.

It was obvious he didn't expect me to be at home at this time on a weekday as I'm normally out and about most days, not unless he asks me to stay home. He stopped dead on his tracks, hand on the doorknob, probably contemplating if he'll stay or go.

"Didn't know you were home." Stell said as he closed the door behind him slowly.

I feel the room tense up a bit as he walks towards the bedroom. He walked past the living room. I shifted nervously on the couch when he directed his attention to the bottle of vodka in front of me. It's around 4 in the afternoon and I can't get up from the couch because I might fall down from having too much to drink. I've "watched" 4 movies today, most of which I didn't understand. I had beer for breakfast and a bottle of vodka for afternoon snack. Suffice to say, my head is killing me and I didn't expect Stell to come through that door to see me in this condition. In my sweatpants, Chinese takeout and alcohol on the always pristine coffee table.

"I'll be out of here in no time. Just need to get more clothes." He said awkwardly, glancing at me.

"Okay." I said nervously. "But..." He faced me with slightly sad eyes. "... you don't have to rush. This is your house too. You can stay as long as you want. You can stay and not leave again. Please?" I buried my head in my hands to hide the impending tears. I feel like I've been drowning in tears all day and night. 

It's laughable why I'm the one who's exhibiting all these emotions when Stell is the more emotional one between the two of us. As he stood motionless looking at me, I can feel how he wants to talk, but he kept his composure and his mouth shut before eventually walking to the bedroom. He shut the door and I heard nothing. Not even a shred of sound to let me know that Stell is here.

I tried getting up. I wobbled for a split second, but eventually got my bearing. I cleaned my mess then went to the guest bathroom to wash my face. I looked in the mirror, staring at my face. I haven't shaved in 3 days and by this time, my usually clean face is growing a scruffy beard. I brushed my teeth and made sure I don't smell like alcohol. I straightened the sweatpants and shirt I'm wearing, freeing them of wrinkles. But I've been lying on the couch for close to 8 hours that my shirt is a mess. It made me a bit mad at myself, wanting to go to the bedroom to get a fresh shirt, but I don't know how to come in without invading Stell's privacy.

I waited, like I've done a week ago, for him to open the door and let me in. I didn't wait long enough as Stell went out with a bigger luggage than last time and the bag he had when he came in, now full of clothes and probably some of his other possessions.

Seeing the luggage made my heart beats faster, like it's about to get off my chest. The sight is something I didn't expect. My head swirling with ideas that I wouldn't have thought possible just two weeks ago. Like Stell stepping out of the house we shared for 3 years without coming back here again ever. Like Stell crying his heart out, his kind eyes filled with tears that I caused. Like Stell walking past me in the streets of New York without even a single glance, like he wouldn't know me. Like we're strangers. My Stell. The guy who would hug me tight when I was at my worse. The one who scooped me up from the floor after breaking down when we were just 3 months into our relationship. The one who held me when I was vomiting my whole being when I got so pissed drunk after losing money in a bad investment.

"Stell..." I said my voice begging, begging by just saying his name.

He stopped and faced me. I didn't expect the tears in his eyes. He looked me up and down, with my wrinkled clothes and my scruffy face. He dropped the bag on the floor and removed his hand from the luggage. He walks towards me, hesitating, as he stares into my eyes. I can't take my eyes off of him. How he looks so sad with tears streaming down his face. 

He opened his arms and hugged me tight. I cling to him as if he's gonna float away if I loosen my grip for even a moment. We stood in the hallway leading to our bedroom our bodies entangled in an impossibly tight hug. He cupped my face and kissed my cheek before placing a tender kiss on my lips. I miss him so bad by this time that even the slightest kisses from him make my body ache for him. I felt stiffness down south and I know he felt it too. We continued kissing, tears falling from our eyes.

"Forgive me... I'll do anything. Love, please come back to me." I whisper in his ear. My voice cracking.

He pulled back from kissing my face and gently placed his hand on my chin. "Paulo, it's over. I can't do this. I'm sorry." 

The finality in his voice hits me like a hurricane. It wasn't like the first time he left, when there's a hint of hope in his voice. This time, even I, felt the extreme detachment he has. Even his kisses feel final. Like it's the last time he will let me feel it. A parting gift. 

I can't control myself. I hugged him even tighter than earlier, kissing his neck, his face, whichever part of his body I can reach as he tries to pull away from me.

"Stell, I don't know how to do this without you." I said in between sobs, the alcohol I had taking over my existence.

He opened his mouth about to say something, only to close it again.

"I can't help you with that anymore." He said while wiping his tears.

"Please... Stell. I'll do everything you want, please don't leave me."

"Look, Pau. Listen to me. My lawyer will contact you, ok? I want us to be civil in dealing with this. I heard from Josh that you've been drinking more. I want you to take this seriously and I want you to be sober enough when we meet with the lawyers. Just, please take care of yourself."

I hang my head in embarrassment, remembering this whole week, and never remembering a moment when I'm sober enough outside of the office. 

"Pau? Did you hear me?" He asked and I nodded. He grabbed his luggage and the bag from the floor and walked towards the door. I don't know why I froze. Maybe it's the alcohol. Maybe it's the thought that it's final. Maybe I'm finally numb to my feelings too. 

I stood there long before he closed the door. Without thinking I lifted a vase with an arrangement of rotten flowers in it and threw it as hard as I can to the front door where it crashed with a loud bang. Rotten roses, and an assortment of flowers, broken glasses and water strewn across the floor.

It's over. I can't do this. I'm sorry. Stell's voice ringing in my ears. The feel of his soft lips over mine.

Thinking, 'How do I do this without you, Stell?'


	9. All I Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stell wonders where this relationship with Paulo is going.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Some things are unclear. I’m having inhibitions. I don’t know him too much yet. We just met. Everything’s happening too fast. Are we playing? I don’t know where we’re heading. All I know is I’m starting to fall for him."
> 
> Thanks to Marble (@dearstelljun) for this prompt that jumpstarted this chapter.

**All I Know**   
**(In Stell's PoV, 4 years ago)**

****

"All I know is that, I love you, Stell Ajero."

"What?" I asked in disbelief, half-shouting.

"I love you!" Paulo repeated. Almost shouting back.

It's loud and everything seems to be spinning around and I don't know if this is the perfect place for him to tell me this for the first time. I just want to know where we're going with this... thing but didn't expect this at all.

We are standing approximately two feet apart. We were dancing to an extra obnoxious song being played by the DJ when I suddenly stopped to repeat to him a question I asked earlier. My forehead is dripping with sweat and Paulo's nose have beads of moisture forming on it. We're both flushed from drinking, dancing and generally just wasting away in this party thrown by Josh's company.

He closed the gap to just a foot apart, and then to zero, until I can't feel even the smallest space between our bodies. He pressed on me as if we're the only people in this dance floor. Everything around us blurred in my eyes except for him. And I don't care what new objectionable song the DJ is playing. All I hear is the constant thumping of my heart.

"I -- don't know what to sa --"

Paulo placed a finger on my lips. "You don't have to say anything." He whispered. His lips almost brushing at the tip of my ear. "Just, I want to let you know before we get so wasted. This is where we're going. Did I answer your question?" He asked, followed by a grin, that can literally lay me down to rest.

"Can we get out of here?" I asked, staring into his eyes. He nodded his head and grabbed my hand. We parted the crowd as we move together, his cold palm pressed on mine. I looked down at our hands together and there's just something about them that's so perfect. Like we are 2 pieces of a puzzle that just fits together.

He took me to a quiet corner, my back against a cold wall. He did nothing that would vaguely push me to do what I did next, but I knew in that moment that this is what my body wants. Or maybe what my heart wants as I uttered the same words he did earlier. 

"I love you." I said so faintly that he can barely hear it, but he did and he understood.

It's like an out of body experience when I grabbed him by his collar and pulled him closer, our lips crashing together like they are meant to. I felt his hands move from my waist up to my torso and chest. All of a sudden the coldness of his palm is on my cheeks. He peppered kisses on my face. "Why are you so beautiful?" He said breathlessly as I blush profusely under his gaze.

"How did we come to this?" I asked him. 

  
He shrugged his shoulder. "Maybe it's just meant to be."

I pressed my lips on him once again, hooking my one arm behind his neck. "D-do you want to go home?" I asked nervously.

"Whose?"

"Yours."

"Ok, let me just look for Josh to tell him we're leaving."

The absence of any of his body parts on mine made me sad a little, but when he left, everything that happened tonight replayed on my mind. 

How did we even get to this point? It's like some cosmic forces are willing us to be together. Like an epic love story is unfolding, and it's happening to me. To us.

  
\---  
Earlier  
\---

It's been 3 weeks since that day in his office and not a day goes by that I haven't thought of what happened. Even though it's been followed by a few more encounters of the same kind, in my living room, in his living room, at the town car we rented on the way for another Broadway show where we asked the driver to round the block a few times before we got off, missing the first half of the play because they won't let us in until it's intermission. We just laughed it off and found ourselves in the middle cubicle of the Broadway Theater's bathroom. Making out, Just making out.

The three weeks had been a practice of patience, because everyday as we wake up, it's either him or me would send a morning message, saying we want to see each other, but we have a life to live outside of this still undefined relationship. So we'd wait. We'd wait 'til adulting is over. Waiting, peering at the clock, hearing it ticking.

By workday's end, we'd gravitate towards each other, walking at the park, grabbing expensive dinner, grabbing cheap dinner, driving by to Brooklyn for some underground art show, meeting up with his friends for a night cap, watching a movie, watching a play, window shopping, sitting at a cafe people-watching, lounging on the couch with popcorn or Chinese take out.

Wherever we may be, together or apart for that 3 weeks, the day always ends up with his voice being the last I'd hear before I go to sleep. The nightly phone calls never stopped. What I stopped instead is me questioning where we are going with this and started embracing the fact that with or without a definition, it's what we have, an actual relationship. Until today.

Our day started early with a morning jog at Central Park, followed by a quick breakfast at my favorite bagel place. During breakfast, he got a call from Josh, asking if we want to go to a party thrown by their company. Josh is sort of a music executive, working in the marketing department of a recording studio.

Paulo brought the phone down from his ear, "Are you busy later?" He asked as he tucked a stray hair from my face to my ear. 

"No, I have nowhere to be. Why?" I asked while biting on my bagel.

"Josh is asking if we'd go to his company's party?"

"Do you want to?"

"Hmm, I guess it's okay."

"Okay, sure."

Paulo and Josh talked for a few minutes more. I smiled thinking that we have come to this, him asking me about my whereabouts, his friends inviting us, the two of us to events, knowing fully well that we now come in pair. It's a good feeling to actually belong to someone and others to think that we belong to each other.

I know I said I will forget about silly things like defining a relationship. Even in my mind it's still too soon for that. How long have we known each other anyway? It's barely three months since we started going out. But some days, I have more questions rather than answers. Some things are unclear. I’m having inhibitions. I don’t know him too much yet. We just met. Everything’s happening too fast. Are we playing? Is this real? Are we just enjoying each other's company? Is this going somewhere? I don’t know where we’re heading. All I know is I’m starting to fall for him. But I'm not sure I'm ready to let him know that. But when will I be ready? When will he be?

"Are you done? I have to get to the office soon." He said after putting the phone down. But right before I could answer him, his phone rang again.

"Hi Mom. What? No, I'm out. I'm with someone right now, can we talk later? No! Mom it's not... her." His voice dropped into a whisper. I think he's just too shy to excuse himself. "Mom please. I don't want to talk to dad. It's too early to be lectured. Mom, mom. Geesh. Hey, Dad."

His voice shifted from being sweet to being stiff and emotionless. "No Dad. How did you know that? Who have you been talking to? I don't think so. Cameron won't give you that information. Of course I believe you. Just please Dad, can you let me do this on my own? I'm not being ungrateful. I'm not. Dad." His face suddenly turned dark, he lost all the spark in his eyes and his tight lips in a straight line tells me that this, his relationship with his dad is something close to a one way street.

"Dad, I have to go. No, I'm about to go to work. I know it's 10am, Dad. I was early in the office yesterday. Can you not? Can we not do this now? Ok. Ok sure. Dad, I have to go. Yes, I will check. But can you not meddle with this? We're under negotiations already. Dad. No, please." I can see how it's getting more and more difficult for him, I can hear his voice getting tensed, his breathing labored.

I touched his hand that's on top of the table and he smiled weakly at me. I got a bit worried until he smiled genuinely again while talking to his mother. 

"It's okay Mom. But can you please don't let him talk to me this early. Now I have one whole day to think about what he said. Yes, Mom. Everything's okay. I don't know. She's okay I guess. We see each other everyday in the office. Mom!" He shouted, I guess both his parents stresses him out.

"I'm not gonna date her just because you said so. No Mom, we work together. I know. Fine Mom, she's not my type. Ok? Now leave it! I'm not shouting. Just leave my dating life out of your conversations with Dad. I don't care Mom. No. I don't care if he likes her for me. Mom, I won't date her, for christsakes. Ok. Ok. Sorry. Bye Mom. I have to go. Ok. Yes, yes. I love you too."

He closed his eyes, breathe deeper and then looked at me. 

"I'm sorry about that." He said embarrassed.

"No, it's okay. Parents?" I said as I lean on to him to massage his shoulder with my one hand. 

"Yeah, they drive me crazy sometimes. Anyway, I'm sorry I yelled." 

"It's okay. Shall we go? You have to get to work." I said as I stand up. He stood beside me and his hand went to my waist to pull me closer. He kissed my cheek to my surprise.

"Thanks, glad you're here. I would have exploded and went into a full rant without you here." I leaned into the kiss and grinned at him. "I know, maybe I should be with you all the time so you don't, uh, "explode", any moment." 

We both went on about our day, and at 6PM, I found myself seated at the couch in his office, waiting for him to finish the work day.

By this time, I've visited his office several times, so his secretary and some of their employees know me. Cameron, the second most important person in this office is also very much aware that I exist and I think she's become fond of me as well as she always make sure she's there to talk to me whenever Paulo gets busy while I'm waiting, like now.

"So you're heading to Josh's party?" She asked while sipping on her coffee.

"Yeah, but that won't be til 10PM? Guess we're grabbing dinner first."

"Oh hey, Pau, why don't you try that new restaurant infront of the Flatiron, been hearing good things about it."

Paulo looked up from his computer and smiled. "Ahh, Justin has been telling me about that. Do we need reservations?"

"I think you better. Hold on, I have to get back to my office to finish some stuff, I'll tell Marissa to call the restaurant on my way out. Sorry Stell. Let's chat again sometime?" I nodded and smiled at her.

Paulo caught my eyes and he beamed at me. "You okay? I'll be done in a few. Promise."

"No problem." I said. "Take your time."

After about 10 minutes, his phone rang. He ignored it so he can finish his work, but the caller was persistent. It stopped, but then his office phone rang and he picked it up.

"Dad?" He said as he balance the phone between his ear and shoulder while typing on his computer. "What's up?"

His dad's voice must be pretty loud when he suddenly pulled the phone away from his ear. "Who told you that? Ok, so you've been calling my office and interrogating Marissa? What's this really about Dad? Can you please not yell?"

Paulo looked at me uncomfortably, as if he doesn't want me there as he talks to his dad. I wonder why, he was pretty confident earlier this morning and we were near each other then than now.

His voice dropped a few decibels lower. "It's none of your business Dad. So what if that's the case? Come on Dad, it's the 21st century. Nothing. I wasn't experimenting then. God. Dad. Can you hear yourself? No, but that's not right either. No, I won't stop just because you said so." I can see how red his face is and I know immediately that he's having some sort of anxiety attack when he started fiddling with the button on his shirt.

"Fuck this Dad." He's using his full voice now. "This is why I started this company, so you can't meddle with my life. You can't just tell me who and who not to date. Don't shove your bigotry on me. I'm sorry dad, but this is my life." 

I flinched when he dropped the phone way too harshly. I went over to him as he's grabbing his head. He's pretty pissed. His face is as red as a ripe tomato. I quickly went over to his fridge to get him water and gave it to him. He opened it and drank everything.

"I'm sorry." He said, his head still down.

I went beside him and hugged him, his hands on my waist. "What's that about?" I asked. I'm pretty sure I know what he's about to say, but I guess I needed to hear it from him.

He smirked. "You must hate me." He started. "A 27-year old, grown man and my Dad still thinks he can tell me how to live my life. He knows about you. And as you heard..." His voice trailed off as I develiped a frown on my face.

"Look Stell. Let's just forget about it and enjoy tonight, huh? Clean slate?" He asked as he stood up to give me a peck on the cheek.

"Ok, clean slate." I know this is something we need to talk about when the time is right. But for now, we don't even know if we are going somewhere. But just hearing him defend me like that makes my heart flutter.

\---

When we got to Josh's company party, everything seemed to be in perfect balance. We've sort of forgotten about the incident at his office earlier. We're all seated at the VIP area when Josh, Ken and Justin decided to leave and the two of us were left on our own.

It must be the alcohol, or maybe it was that call from his dad earlier, but I know that my initial plan not to ask him about this is now in vain. I think I want to hear what he has to say about us. What he really thinks and where we're going.

"Hey." I said calling his attention. "I know this is weird, to be asking this here, now. But where are we, really? 

"What do you mean?" 

"Us." I motioned my head between him and me. "You think this is going somewhere? I mean your dad clearly doesn't want this happening. So I just want to know if this is --"

"Stell, stop talking." He said. I can feel how uncomfortable he is and it broke my heart a little. I think he saw how disppointed I was.

He pulled my hand and asked me to get up. "Come one, I like this song."

"This is a terrible song." I told him, laughing, because that really was a bad song.

I'm a bit disappointed that he didn't even consider answering my questions. But on the other hand, I can see him thinking, behind those smiles he's throwing at me. But I guess I have become too stubborn tonight. I just want to know where we stand.

"Paulo!" I shouted so he can hear my voice on top of the loud music. "Where is this going?" I stopped moving and he did, too.

He looked me straight in the eyes, "I don't know. Who knows where we're all going really?" 

"All I know is that, I love you, Stell Ajero."


	10. Can't You See

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paulo shuts himself out from the world until one short phone call stirred him up.

**Can't You See**   
**(In Paolo's PoV, Present Day)**

"Hey, you've reached Stell and Paolo's phone. We're not here right now. Please leave your name, number, and a brief message and we'll get back to you. Thanks."

(Day 1)  
"Paolo, it's Cameron. I'm not sure what's going on with you, but we kind of need you in the office. Please call me as soon as possible. It's urgent."

(Day 2) "Pau. Stell just told me what happened 2 days ago. How are you holding up? If you need someone to talk to, I'm here okay? You don't have to go through this alone. Call me. It's Josh."

(Day 3) "Pau, Justin here. I need advice on a new investment. Please call me. I called your office and you're not there. You're not answering your phone, need to talk ASAP."

(Day 4) "Paulo? Where the fuck are you? Cameron's been calling me. I'm going there now. I'll kill you if you don't open the door. This is Ken."

(Day5) "Paulo. Let's talk."

___  
Days after Stell left  
___

It's difficult to describe pain. When you can see it, it's easier to accept. But when it's somewhere so deep within you, it's so much harder to comprehend. And it's so much harder to heal. Specially when you're the one who caused it.

When I heard the finality in Stell's voice, my world stopped. I can't force myself to get up the next day. My phone rang, followed by continuous ringing of our home phone. I don't want to talk to anyone.

When Cameron called, there's a sudden urge to acknowledge that I need to work. But the darkness in my heart prevailed and ignored her. Ignored her multiple calls. They can manage without me. Everything else will function without me. Just like Stell is functioning without me.

The next day, I lie in bed in my sweatpants and shirt from the previous day and it made me even more anxious, so I got up, took a shower, got a bottle of gin and went back to bed. 

When I heard Josh's voice on the answering machine, I wanted to pick up. To ask Josh's help to convince Stell. He can help, I thought. Stell listens to him. But then, I wouldn't want to put Josh in a situation where he has to choose between me and Stell. So I let him talk. Without picking up.

Justin on the other hand knows he can bait me with investment questions. On a regular day, I would probably pick up the phone and talk to him. We would probably talk for hours or he would invite me out so we can look over papers. Justin is an aggressive investor and he has brought so much good companies under my company's care that I wouldn't want to miss a call from him.

But this isn't one of those times. I know the voice of the real Justin who wants to talk about investments. And this isn't it. It's Justin who's trying to lure his friend out for being out of the scene for almost three days. But I don't think I'm ready to face the world or anyone.

By day four, I peeked behind the curtain to have a glimpse of the outside world. It's still the same. The birds on the tree branches still sing loudly, the cars on our street still pass by lazily, the people walking their dogs are still there. I closed the curtain and once again immersed myself in darkness.

So I'm the only one who changed. It's just my life that's ruined. The world continues spinning and evolving as it should be. And my life is the only one that is suspended because of what I did.

For the fourth day in a row, I showered and put on a shirt. I glanced in the mirror as I was getting out and saw my face. It's hidden in a scruffy beard, my hair is longer, but my eyes, have I always had sad eyes? Or is this new?

I went to the kitchen to fetch a new bottle of some alcoholic drink. I don't care what I drink anymore, as long as it can make me forget that Stell is gone and that he's not coming back.

The phone kept on ringing again, Cameron, Josh, Justin. But on this particular day. Ken's voiced boomed in our answering machine. "Paulo, where the fuck are you? I'll kill you if you don't open the door."

Ken is the only one who's brave enough to curse me to show that he cares. But when he arrived with a loud banging on the door, I refuse to get up and instead hid my head under a pillow.

The phone rang again and the voice of our building manager echoed. "Hey your friend is banging your door. Should I call the police? Are you even there? He asked me to open the door, he's worried about you. Pick up and tell me what to do."

I hesitated for a bit, but know I have to do this. "Tell him I'm not home.I'm fine. Don't worry. Just ask him to leave." I didn't wait for the guy to talk back. I dropped the phone and went back to bed with my bottle of alcohol.

After a while, the banging stopped and I heard Ken's footsteps walking away.

I slept with a heavier heart that night. I know my friends only want the best for me. I know they want to help. But my mind and body are telling me to stay put and to not move.

As I lay down in bed for the past four days, I only think about Stell. His face, his smile, his hair, his beauty mark, the moles and freckles that dot his face. His nose that would crinkle when he's either amused or mad at me or both. His eyes that drown me in love everytime I look at them.

And on that night I told him about what I thought happened. I know he was surprised but looking back now, I think he wasn't surprised enough. And it confuses me even more.

His eyes changed after that. I could still drown in them, but this time I feel like when I look at them, I will drown in his hatred of me.

After I finished a bottle of drink, I got up from the bed and went to the bathroom. I opened the medicine cabinet and stared at its contents. I don't know why but it's as if my body is telling me to do one thing, my mind another and my heart another.

My eyes fell on the bottle I'm aiming at. I just need to numb the pain. As I reach for it, I heard Stell's voice in my ear. "Coward." I looked behind me, but he wasn't there. But the message is loud and clear.

I closed the medicine cabinet and slammed my fist on the marbled counter. No blood this time, but my knuckle throbbed and I accepted the pain. I deserve this. I deserve everything that's happening to me right now.

I stepped out of the bathroom and wandered into our walk in closet. I can still feel his presence in there. Most of his clothes are gone, but some he left behind.

I stared at the clothes hanging by the rack and for the first time, I feel his absolute absence. Until I found one of his favorite hoodies hanging by the end of the rack on my side of the closet. It's a pink hoodie that we share almost exclusively. I removed it from the hanger and sniffed it. It's been washed, so it's only by my imagination that I can smell him on it. But I will cling to the imagination as long as it brings Stell's memory back in this house.

I hesitantly put on the hoodie and went back to bed imagining him hugging me. Memories of the days we spent together, lounging around flashing through my mind. Stell loves being complimented and paid attention to, so I would praise him endlessly about everything that he does in and out of this bed. My arm would always end up on his hips, owning him as if I would lose him in an instant if I let go of my grasp on him.

And that's exactly what happened. I fucked up his life and mine. And I don't know of I can ever forgive myself for doing it. Or if I can ever hold him the way I used to.

I slept that night drenched in unbelievable pain. He will never forgive me. The divorce paper will be signed and we will live our lives separately as if we were never together. As if that day at the park where I first saw him never existed. As if that almost kiss at the lodge on July 4th is just a forgotten memory. Or that day infront of the Broadway Theater where we kissed for the first time is just a figment of my imagination.

In a few years, the traces of our lives being lived together will just be dust in the wind. As if nothing happened. As if there's no him and me.

___

On day five, I woke up with another headache. I haven't eaten except for a toast for breakfast yesterday. There's no point in filling in your stomach if your heart is empty. I keep telling myself.

But my head is spinning and I knew that if I don't eat anything now, I will end up at the hospital without anyone knowing. Or caring. So I dialed a take out place to have something delivered.

When I put the phone down, it immediately rang again. I stared at it, waiting for the machine to pick up the call.

When the voicemail message ended, I heard his familiar voice and my heart leapt. "Paolo. Let's talk."

I rushed beside the phone and picked it up immediately. "Stell? Love, I'm here." I said, my voice shaking.

"Hi. You haven't answered the phone in five days. Everyone's so worried about you." Stell said cautiously. "Are you -- ok?"

I knew he was hesitating to ask that question. He fell silent.

"I am now."

There's a long period of silence. "Hey, are you eating well? How are you? I missed you." I don't even care if I'm saying all the wrong things. I just don't want him to hang up.

"I'm ok. But hey, listen. Sorry for calling this early, but the lawyers set an appointment tomorrow and I just want to make sure that you'll be there."

I froze. He didn't call to check on me, but to make sure I attend the meeting with the lawyers. A meeting that will seal the end of our marriage and our relationship.

"Push it back." I said my voice cracking. "Please, Stell? Can we wait a little longer?"

He sighed. "What for?"

I tried grasping for words, "I don't know. Please let's talk first. Can I talk to your first without you deciding on anything on your own."

"I think I have the right to do this. Paulo, I want to do this as civil as possible. I can do it another way and it won't be good. So please just go to the meeting place tomorrow. I have to go."

"Stell. Listen. Please. Can we talk just the two of us. One last time? I won't force anything after this. I just want to talk."

I can hear his calm breathing on the other line.

"Please, Stell. I promise it will be quick. I promise I won't do anything to make it hard for both of us. We won't even need our lawyers to intervene, I will give whatever conditions you ask for. Just talk to me first. I will not ask anything else from you for the rest of our lives. I promise. I just want to say goodbye properly. One last time."

"Not there." He said briefly.

"Yes, anywhere you want."

Total silence.

"The whisper bench at Shakespeare Garden. 5PM today." He said after thinking for a while.

"Ok, I'll be there. Thank you Stell."

"Bye Paulo."

He dropped the call and I was left with a loud beeping in my ear. But I don't care. He will talk to me. Stell will finally listen to me. And I will do everything in my power, even beg on my knees if necessary just for him to take me back.   
___

I'm glad that Stell decided for us to meet outside. It made me a bit nervous because I've been cooped up inside for the last 5 days. But this is my chance to apologize to Stell and I'd be a fool if I let this opportunity pass.

At quarter to 5, I sat down at the granite slab of the Whisper Bench. This time of the year, Shakespeare Garden is surrounded by colorful flowers. A stark contrast to my current disposition. I look at everything in gray since I got back from that cursed trip in Amsterdam. Might as well live life in black and white without Stell in it.

At exactly five in the afternoon, Stell turned the corner towards the bench, looking every bit of the man I fell in love with. But when he got closer, I can see the subtle change in his eyes. It's always his eyes that shifts first whenever he sees me. And this time, it's glassy and sad as if tears will fall from them any minute.

I didn't expect it. His voice on the phone is full of resolve. Like he's pretty sure of himself. Like the meeting tomorrow is the last hindrance to his happiness. That getting me out of his life is the last piece of the puzzle for him to go back to living his best life.

But the Stell in front of me now, the one who nodded at me in acknowledgement before sitting down further away from me at the other end of the bench looks every bit as broken as me.

He turned slightly on the side, to avoid my stare. And then I heard a faint sound in my ear. His voice, muffled but clearly his. "Hi." 

The whisper bench, of course. I brought him here once before, when I asked him to move in with me. A whisper from the other end of the bench can clearly be heard from the other. And here I told him once that I want to spend all of our days together.

I moved closer to the other end of the bench and whispered, "Hi, Love."

I turned around to look at his reaction. He's wiping his eye discreetly with the back of his hand. I want to run to him as fast as I can, but I know he brought me here for a reason.

"I'll listen. Once." It astounds me how clear his voice is from this side of the bench.

"Can't we talk face to face? I want to look in your eyes when I tell you everything that I remember. Stell, please?" I turned my head in his direction, trying to guess what he's thinking about. And it took some time before he responded.

I heard him sobbing first before he whispered, "Can't you see --"

The next thing he said, I didn't hear anymore because I had to be beside him, to hold him as he breaks down.

I was afraid he would push me or tell me to go away, but when I placed his head on my shoulder, he leaned in to me and pressed harder as he weeps. My one hand carded his hair as I let him get all his emotions out.

I'm in tears as well, but I can only silently cry as I watch my husband cry because of me.

"Can't you see? I'm hurting so much because I love you and you betrayed me." Stell said in between sobs, his face still buried on my shoulder. He punches my chest lightly as he speaks and I let him, because I deserve it. I deserve all of it.

Suddenly, he pulled away. 

"Tell me. Tell me what happened. No lies, Paulo."

"I will Stell. I promise. Listen..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, i-clifhanger muna natin.


	11. Not a Thing I Won't Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A year after Stell and Paulo said I love you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit NC-17/R-18 towards the end.

**Not a Thing I Won't Do**   
**(In Stell's PoV, 3 years ago)**

****

"Has he always been this... sweet?" I asked Josh and Ken as I cradle a dozen red roses on my lap.

Josh opened and closed his mouth eyeing Ken who didn't even care to answer. He instead took a sip of his drink as he sits cross legged on the couch.

"He goes all out." Josh said as cautiously as possible. 

"Come on Josh." I laid the roses back down on the table. "Ken? You know I can take it."

Ken dropped his glass on the table and looked at me in the eyes. "Why are you even asking us? You should know how sweet he is by now. It's been what? A year?"

"Almost. That's not what I'm asking. Had he been sweet like this to the others?" I asked, so eager to know.

"Don't you talk about these things?" Josh asked in between sips.

"We barely talk about our exes." I said nervously. Ken raised an eyebrow at me.

"What? Don't judge us. It hasn't come up. If we're both not working, we're on vacation or doing things." I said defensively.

I know it hasn't been the most ideal relationship, communication-wise, but we're both doers and we like doing things together. Most of the time we're pre-occupied by so much activities that there's really not that much time for a heart to heart.

It's not our fault that we are so into each other.

If we're not jogging at the park, we'd probably be playing ultimate frisbee, touch football or tennis with his friends, or having drinks with them. Some days we would drive to go hiking. He'd ask to get a massage or visit a spa. If not, we'd be at one of Josh's parties or hanging out at the club with Ken. Or we'd be at one of Justin's business seminars.

He's pretty busy most days, he'd be up early for work and we'd go to dinner after. The next thing we know we'd be in his car, or in a cab going at either of our apartments and would make out and have sex. We'd cuddle and fall asleep, leaving conversations hanging.

We have a different kind of communication and I don't think it's a bad thing.

But Josh and Ken look at me as if Paulo and I have the weirdest relationship ever.

"No talk about exes yet? You've been together for a while." Josh's eyes widen.

"It's not that we haven't. I mean he knows I've been with several people. And I know he did, too. But there are no specifics. I don't know what his longest relationship was."

"Less than a year." Ken exclaimed absentmindedly.

"I'm his longest relationship?" I said not believing any word of it.

Josh eyed Ken like there's some sort of secret between them, but I ignored it. "He's never celebrated an anniversary. What do you plan to do?" He asked.

"Should I prepare something? I mean what if he did?" 

"This is why you should talk. Stop making eyes at each other when you're together. You always end up just staring each other down when you're with us. It's annoying." I didn't think Ken notices those things but it's true. Me and Paulo have that magical connection that I can't quite describe. Our mutual attraction is so powerful that it sort of drives our relationship forward. But Josh and Ken are right, too. Our verbal communication needs a lot of work.

"Are they even coming?" Josh asked with a slight irritation in his voice. "Should we call it a night? We've been here for 4 hours."

"He just sent me a message, they're wrapping up the meeting." I said.

The five of us are supposed to go out for his pre-birthday celebration, but Justin had a lead for a possible invesment. It's a fresh opportunity that they don't want to pass up.

He apologized before we separated earlier, but after 2 hours of waiting, a bouquet of flowers arrived at the club where Josh, Ken and I were waiting for them.

"Probably asked Marissa to send it." Josh snickered as it arrived.

"It's still a cute gesture. He didn't have to." I defended.

That was when I got curious if this, sending flowers to apologize is something he did with his past relationships.

This is when I realized that maybe Paulo is really not the "talky" type. This is one of the things I hope he would change. It's not a perfect one year relationship because of so many factors, but as I look back, most of it can be mended by proper communication.

But I am also quite stubborn, so if he refuses to talk, I wouldn't either, and that's when things would go downhill. I think he just avoids things so we won't have verbal arguments.

It's a cycle of me being annoyed, him not talking, me not talking, and then him apologizing with something. A gift, a vacation, a treat. And there's no other reason but to forgive him, after that. Specially when we have so much attraction going on that every argument ends up with us in each other's arms.

It's mind-boggling because when we met and started dating, we talked a lot over the phone. We'd spent hours talking about random stuff. But then I realized, yeah we did talk about a lot of stuff, but we sort of avoided even back then the most important things. We rarely talk about family, relationships, childhood memories. We have never talked about my life in Manila or how I lived. Maybe because I haven't opened about it too, so he just never asked about it.

Whatever the reason may be, one thing's for sure. Paulo and I need to communicate better if we want this relationship to progress.

After 30 mins, Justin and Paulo arrived with big smiles on their faces.

I raised my eyebrow at him as he sat beside me smiling from ear to ear. He kissed me on the lips quickly before he noticed the roses on the low table infront of us.

"Great, you got it. Thought Marissa forgot." He said as he clasped his hand on mine.

"So much for a 'celebration'. We're about to go home." I said rolling my eyes at him.

"Sorry, Love. I'll make it up to you. It's Justin's fault." He said while motioning if he can have a sip on my drink in which I nodded.

"Who can't stop talking so we can't cut the meeting short?" Justin said with a piercing look. When he directed his attention at me though, he became gentler. "Sorry Stell, it was a pretty exciting investment. Paulo will make it up to you."

"I will. Sorry Love." He said as he grabbed me by the waist to pull me closer. His friends are used to us by this time, but they still can't help but call our attention whenever we're being too much infront of them.

"Guys." Josh said, exasperated. "Go home or get a room." 

I pulled back from Paulo and just held his hand instead. 

"One more round, then we'll go." He said, practically winking at me."

I hate to admit it, but it got me excited too by the way my body responded. There's something about the way he looks at me and how his voice sounds when he talks that makes me want to lose control. And it's quite unfair to be feeling this way, when all I really want is to call him out for not being present a lot or for missing important things like these.

But it's his business, his passion, and when I started a relationship with him, I knew that this is something I would either compete with or understand. And I chose to understand it fully. Specially because I know I have an ambition of my own. And if it were me, I would want him to understand it too.

I lean closer to him, "We'll talk later." 

He eyed me suspiciously. "Yes of course Love, we will." He whispered in my ear, nuzzling a little bit too closely for comfort.

"I'm serious." I said pulling back a bit. "We never talk."

"Ok, whatever you want." He said before sipping on his drink again.

I pried the drink from his hand. "Last one. You can't get drunk."

He picked up the drink again, "I never get drunk."

I touched the glass again and grabbed it from his hand and dropped it on the table with a louder sound than I expected.

"Yeah right. You get drunk more than I want to." I said getting a bit irritated.

He didn't attempt to lift the glass again, he pulled me in his arms instead as the five of us talk and enjoy the rest of the night.

___

At the apartment that night, the supposed "talk" turned into another 'pangakong napako'. Not when our tongues are deep in each other's throats as soon as we step inside.

Our power over each other is seriously scary, specially when we're alone. Talking is good, but not when we both feel the pull of our attraction.

I found myself pinned to the door, with his hands on my shoulders moving down to my biceps. My arms circling his nape to deepen our kiss. The next thing I know, his one hand is fiddling with the hem of my shirt and then a few seconds later, my shirt is above my head being taken off. I brushed myself against him to get some sort of friction and smiled in his mouth when I felt him and heard him curse.

We tried moving from the door to the couch without breaking the kiss. We kicked our shoes off when we got to the sofa, him, on top of me as he run his hands along my torso, looking at me intently.

"You said you wanted to talk?" He asked breathlessly.

"That can wait." I answered, a little bit annoyed with the lost of his lips on mine. He kissed me again, quickly on the mouth and then moved to my jaw, touching the little moles dotting my face. He sucked on the tender flesh beneath my jaw and I breathe in sharply, pushing my body upwards to meet his.

The next thing I know, our pants our both off and we're making each other happy.

At some point in the night, we found ourselves in bed, watching tv, his one hand carding my hair as I lay on his arm.

"Paulo?" I said, tilting my head back in the direction of his face.

"Hmm?" He said as he switches to a business channel on the tv. He finished browsing and touched my chin.

"Something wrong? Anything hurts?" He asked while kissing my lips.

"Nothing. I just, I really want to talk." I'm not sure if this is the perfect time to be nervous about talking, just talking. Why is this so hard?

"About what?" He asked nonchalantly.

"Anything. We're always together, but I feel like we rarely talk about important things. Uhm, tell me about your meeting earlier."

"You really want to know? It's boring." He said as he placed his lips on top of my head to kiss it.

"Hmm, how about past relationships?" I really don't want to talk about it, not until Josh and Ken gave me a hard time earlier. Their faces showing signs that should really ought to know his dating history.

"What about it?" His eyes are glued to the tv as he channel surfed for the nth time tonight.

"I've had two serious relationships, one for about a year and a half. Another for about 6 months, the 6 months is a more mature relationship than the longer one." I said, trying to open a conversation.

"Ahh, and what happened with the 6 months one?" There's slight curiousity in there but not enough to garner his full attention.

"It was intense and scary because I loved him so much, I almost lost myself. He's the first man I've been with after that one and a half year relationship." I must admit, letting him know about my past is quite liberating. But I didn't see him flinch even a little when I said I loved my ex so much.

"I see. How long ago was it? The one you loved so much?" Right then I finally heard concern in his voice.

"2 years more or less. He moved away, so we had to break up." He finally looked at me.

"If he didn't move away, you'd still be together? Since you loved him so much?" There's an edge to his voice now. Hidden in his cool facade. But it's there. Jealousy. As he keeps on throwing my words back at me.

"Who knows? I moved here, so we'd never know." I said shrugging my shoulder. Mad at myself for being slightly happier when he creased his forehead with my answer.

"Well, that must suck for him, since you're with me and you love me more." He said matter of factly, without blinking then his attention went back to the tv. And of course he's right. I've never loved this way before.

I thought him and me would be one of those flings that we've both have a lot of in the past. The way we met is certainly unique. I don't feel like he actually pursued me or me to him. It just sort of happened and evolved into something we can't control.

There are still a lot to discover about each other and I'm scared that I will eventually learn something that I wouldn't like about him, but even that, I think I can forgive.

With him, I felt like I went through all the stages of love. From having a crush on him, to being so attracted and infatuated with him, to missing him even if he's just a phone call or arms length away. I became a little possessive for his attention. And lust. I don't think I can shake off the feeling of being so taken by him, whenever I see him that I sometimes fear him and my feelings for him. When we both admitted that we love each other, I can't help but think that there's nothing in this world I wouldn't do for this man.

It scares me because I have never felt anything like it before. John Paulo Nase brings out the best and the worst in me. And I shiver to think that I can't let him go and I would forgive and understand him no matter what he does.

It's a scary thought. And it's not healthy. But I think I would. If it means I won't lose him, I would.

I still want to talk about HIS relationships, but he hugged me tightly and pressed his body on me, nuzzling my neck being both sweet and hot at the same time. He wrapped his arm around my waist pulling me even closer until I felt something throb below his waist. I closed my eyes and accepted the fact that this conversation is far from happening anymore. Not when I'm this close to Paulo. Not when I can feel his breath on my neck. Not when his leg is wrapped around mine.

He moved us in a swift motion and I sighed heavily under him as he press his body down. My eyelids flutter, feeling that familiar sensation between my legs. He brought his face down towards me, brushed my hair up and kissed me.

"I love you." He said as I open my eyes.

"I love you, too." I said as I kiss him back.

I savored the moment as I say a little wish. I wish this honeymoon stage ends soon or atleast becomes stable enough, because I really want to get to know him more. And it's not gonna happen as long as we have this kind of intensity towards each other. Not if we want to jump each other whenever we're together. Not if we can't get our hands off each other.

I want a long and serious relationship with him. And I'd do anything to make it happen.


	12. Everything to Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened in Amsterdam?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly NC-17/R-18

**Everything to Me**   
**(In Paulo's PoV)**

****

_Amsterdam_   
_A few weeks ago_

"I have a good feeling about today." I said to Cameron while we're having breakfast at the hotel.

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves Pau, we've been here a week and they still can't decide fully if they'll trust us. I mean, we are missing a few millions to be the majority shareholder." She looks at me seriously.

Cameron, we've been through a lot. She's been my CFO since I started this company and her opinion is the second most valuable if not the most.

She trusted me with her career when I decided to leave my dad's company due to internal private conflicts.

My dad is a complicated man, but he's a very good businessman. He worked in Wall Street when he was younger, until such time that he's able to build his own investment firm. He was absent most of my life because of work, so my mom and I got so close, that having my dad's opinion to me is close to nothing.

But it turns out that eventhough my dad doesn't spend a lot of time with me when I was younger, he's still the one that holds my life decisions and even my mom can't do anything about it.

I had to be good at school. I had to be on top, second is not an option. I can't be in a relationship until I graduate college in a course that he chose for me.I had to work in his company while I take my masteral, because a bachelor's degree isn't enough.

He controlled most of my life even in the sidelines. So I became as invested in this career more than I care to admit.

Being in that position, being controlled as much as one can, however, left me with so much anxiety at an early age. I would function just as a robot when my dad tells me to, but behind that, I am an empty shell who just wants to be fulfilled with things that I truly care about.

At 15, I fooled around with a girl. At 16, I fooled around with a guy. And my dad can't accept that, convincing me and himself that it's a phase. And I thought it was. I had to see a shrink that early in my life because my dad thought he can fix me. And I have no choice but to adhere to what he wanted. And I hated it.

I hated talking to someone who thought she had a say in however I act or whatever I do. I know she's supposed to listen to me, but I refused to be dictated by someone who will tell me I'm wrong that I have to change. So I finished therapy lying through my teeth that I'm okay. And I never want to do it again.

When I entered my dad's company, that's when I met Cameron. She's brilliant and she knows what she's doing. She worked directly under my dad who saw her hardwork and potential. He would always tell me that Cameron is someone I should emulate and trust.

So I spend a lot of time with her. We worked together like two peas in a pod and like my dad said, I trusted her so much. Enough to convince her that leaving my dad's company is the best way for us to leave my dad's shadow.

She's quite loyal, so leaving dad's company was hard for her. It took her a month to decide, she never want to leave her good career to start something that is uncertain. And I tried to convince her every single day. Until one day she decided she would and that she will invest in it too.

I was surprised to be honest, but I knew leaving my dad's company would give me the freedom that I so craved for eversince I can remember.

I wouldn't have to rely on him for anything. I can do as I please. I can work my ass off because I want to and not because he wants me to.

And so here we are, a few years after and I'm doing what I love because I want to and not because this is my dad's plan for me.

But he's my father afterall, so we still kept in touch and once in a while he would try to meddle with my company and most days he would still try to meddle with my life.

Like today.

Cameron's phone rang and her face sank as soon as she answers it.

"Okay, but who is it? Come on, we'll know sooner or later. And how the hell did this happen overnight? Have they been talking for a while? What? So what are we even doing here? What company? Can you repeat that?" I saw her eyes dart in my direction as I mouthed 'What's up?' to her. 

She dismissed me quickly and got back to the phone, covering her mouth with her hand. She nods absentmindedly with the phone in her ear. "Ok. I'll tell him."

She dropped the call and looked at me. "We should go." She said while gathering her things.

"What's up, Cam?" 

"I'll tell you in the car. Let's go."

I'm not done eating and I'm supposed to call Stell but realized it's 3AM in New York, so I gathered my suit and put it on and followed Cam to the hotel entrance where our service car is waiting.

As soon as our asses hit the car cushion, she said, "Your dad won the bid." I stared at her dumbfounded. 

"How the hell did this happen?" I said my face turning red in anger. My fists folded tightly in a ball.

"Calm down. They have the extra 2 million, we don't. He's willing to talk to you. They have them on call, so we need to be there now." Cam said with so much confidence in her voice.

"No way I'd go on business with him. You know that."

"I just thought you can talk to him, see what he's up to."

"You really think it's worth it? We can let this go, we have other companies we can invest in. I mean what do you think? It's your money, too." Just then I realized it's not all up to me, no matter how I hate the fact that my dad is suddenly involved. Cam inserted her own money in this company and even if I'm the majority shareholder, her contribution is not far from mine.

"It's the company's money. And yes, I think we can atleast listen to him. We've been working on this acquisition for months because we thought it's worth it. Let's not feel defeated just because it's your dad."

I sighed loudly. "I don't know Cam. I'm afraid this will complicate things. Specially now. You know he still doesn't accept Stell. I don't want him meddling in my life. Not now. Not if Stell is involved. I don't want to owe him anything."

She touched my hand lightly sympathizing with me. "I get it. It's up to you. Just thought we can listen what he has to say."

I shook her hand off gently to fish my phone from my pocket. I know Stell would want to know about it. And I need his opinion. "Yeah I guess we can hear what he has to say. Excuse Cam, I have to call Stell."

I dialled Stell's number. No answer. Sent him a message. No reply. I even called our landline, but it's almost 4AM in New York and he sleeps quite deeply.

I let go of the idea and sat silently until we reach the office.

"Pau, you sure you want to do this?" Cam asked holding on to my elbow.

"Yeah, let's get this over with."  
___

As expected, I left the meeting in the foulest mood possible. My dad can surely bring out the worst in me. I avoided all the below the belt comments from him throughout, thinking I would sail in this meeting unscathed. But my dad is my dad and he can surely trigger me sooner or later.

My phone rang and my dad's voice ring in my ear. "You made the right choice." He said.

"Dad, I don't want to talk to you. You can finalize this with Cameron. She'll be in charge of this, so please, let's not pretend I still like you at this point."

"You're becoming too spoiled and disrespectful Paulo. I didn't raise you to be this way. This must be your husband's influence."

Heat travelled from the tip of my ear to my whole face. "Can you stop with this dad? You got what you want. Stell has nothing to do with any of it."

"You still hate me that you signed that prenuptial agreement. You're a fool if you didn't do that. And you know I was right."

"Can we stop talking about this. I have to go."

I didn't wait for his reply and I almost threw my phone. He definitely knows my pain points and is not shy to use it against me.

"You look like you want to kill someone." Cameron said from behind me. 

I looked at her my face red in anger. "Let's go get a drink. I just want to forget all of these."

"The account managers are taking us out. You can let your frustrations out then."  
___

A few hours later, my head is swirling from having too much alcohol than I can handle. Stell is at the back of my mind while downing shots after shots given to me by the people we are with, employees of the company we are trying to acquire.

There are several people in the group including account managers and personal assistants.

I know I'm drinking too much, but by the time I'm ready to acknowledge that I'm intoxicated, one of them would pass me another and I'm either too drunk or too proud to say no.

I can see Cameron enjoying herself just infront of me and she's sober, she knows me well and I know she's not allowing herself too much alcohol so she can look after me.

I got up after a while to take a piss. While on the line to the men's room, I grabbed my phone and dialled Stell's number again. He picked up.

"Looovee, hey." I said trying to sound as normal as I could.

"Hey, sorry I didn't call back sooner. I'm waiting for my turn at an audition. They're gonna call me any minute. You okay?" He said with his soft, sweet voice that got me tingling all over. He's the sweetest.

"I'm gooood. Goodluck baby. You'll get that role. I miss you so much. Can you, can you please say you miss me so much, huh?" I can hear myself and I know I'm pretty odd at the moment.

"Are you drinking? Is Cameron with you?"

"Yeaaahh." I giggled uncontrollaby for some reason. "Tell me you love me and you miss me and can't wait to see me, pleassee?"

"I love you and I miss you. I cam't wait to see and hug and kiss you and make love to you." Stell said on the other line, making me feel unnecesarily hot for him.

"God, you're hot. I miss you so much. I want you, I want you so much Stell." The last person exited the restroom and I got in, with an uncomfortable boner. I didn't plan on doing anything, but as soon as I was alone, I felt the need to touch myself, palming my hard on over my pants. I let out an audible sigh, alerting Stell on the other line, as I balance the phone leaning back at the counter, imagining Stell's lips over my erection.

"Paulo, what are you doing? Are you okay?" Stell's voice is a little rushed now but it still gives me the same type of feeling as a few minutes ago. "Are you doing what I think you're doing?" He asked, his melodious voice becoming a little too much for me to handle.

I got my thing out and I stand over the toilet bowl, stroking gently. "Baby, say something, what do you want me to do to you when I get home?" I asked breathily.

Stell caught on making his voice sound like he's in our bedroom. He whispered, "Why are you doing this to me? I'm in the middle of too many people, but I want your lips on mine, I miss you so much. I want you to touch me, kiss my neck, leave a mark like you own me. I want your hand on my..." His voice became impossibly inaudible as he said the word "cock" and my own twitched under my hand.

"And... What else baby? I want you to suck me, can you do that? I miss your lips over my --"

"Hey, you're Stell right?" I heard a guy clearly on the other line which made me a bit uncomfortable.

"Yes?" Stell said, getting his usual voice back.

"It's Peyton, from last week's audition? We sat together while waiting too." Said the guy with a faint voice from the other line. "Oh gosh, sorry are you in a call? Sorry my bad."

"It's okay." Stell said addressing him. When he got back to me, his voice is back to normal. "Hey, sorry about that." He apologized. Are you still?" He asked a bit embarassed.

I zipped my pants up, feeling the uncomfortable sensation in my groin. "I'm fine baby. Sorry I got carried away, who's that?" 

"Just some guy." He whispered. "Sure you're okay?"

"Stell Ajero?!" Another faint voice calling his name is heard from his line. 

"Oh shit, baby, Pau, I'm sorry, they're calling me in. I'll talk to you later okay? I love you." He said hurriedly.

Before I can even say I love you back, the call got cut off, leaving me with a boner and a sense of melancholia and jealousy. I shook the feelings off immediately, knowing I will be back home with him the same time tomorrow where I'll have Stell for my own, without any distractions.

There's a continous knocking on the door of the restroom, which brought me back to the present immediately.

I apologized for taking up the space for so long to the next guy in line and walked swaying a bit back to my seat, where people gave me more drinks.

After another hour, my initial buzz is back and there's a bottle of something green on our table. I knew immediately it's absinthe. I've only had it once and told myself I would never ever have it again. But the woman beside me prepped it by placing some sugar cubes in a slotted spoon and let the green liquid run through it. She gently poured water over it, dripping painfully slow.

As she holds the spoon between her fingers, she darts a look at me. She's very beautiful alright. She smiled at me, looking me in the eyes as if she wants me. I blinked back and looked away from her, looking at Cameron instead, who's downing a shot.

When the shot glass filled up with a part of absinthe and water, the woman passed it over to me. I hesitated for a bit, knowing fully well that this drink will be the icing to the cake. I placed the shotglass near my lips, smelling the earthy scent of the forbidden drink mixed with the swert sugarcube. I slowly sipped until nothing's left of the green liquid in the shot glass.

Almost as soon as I dropped the shotglass on the table, my surrounding spun like crazy and I lean back on the couch. I saw Cameron standing up infront of me, but everything else became a blur. I also didn't notice when I felt a hand on my knee, going up to my thigh sensually.

My sex throbbed from the touch, as I was still hard from earlier's almost adventure in the bathroom with Stell on the phone.

After a while, I heard a woman's voice in my ear. "Do you want to go back to your room? You look like you need a rest." The voice sounded so angelic, mixed with a European accent and I can't do anything but nod. I really need to get back up to my room.

I stood up but didn't expect to be held by my elbow and waist. I would have dropped on the floor without the help, so I let her guide me out of the hotel bar and into the elevator.

As soon as the elevator dinged, we got out of it. I pulled my room key out of my pocket, as the woman hugs me from behind, keeping me steady. I felt her body pressing up against me, she's a bit shorter than I am, her lips directly on my nape. I don't know if it's my imagination as I felt her blow at the back of my neck, making me feel both uncomfortable and aroused.

As soon as we got in, her lips are on mine. I can't remember if I pushed her away or if I immediately accepted it. I wish I knew. But the next thing I remembered is her pushing me down the bed, removing my shoes, pulling down my pants and my dress shirt as she plants kisses on my torso.

I can feel her on top of me as I lay down motionless on the soft bed. After a while she pressed her body and rubbed her sex against mine.

The next thing that happened is all a blur. I know I'm still hard from earlier tonight, but what I don't understand is if the woman on top of me is the one causing my current condition or the thought of Stell. Stell's lips over mine. Stell's hands stroking me. I'm way too intoxicated to think about what's happening, so I lay there motionless, occassionaly pushing the woman a bit away, but feeling too horny to not let it happen.

I don't exactly know what happened after that, but I know that I came that night when I woke up the next morning because of a slightly rough and sticky patch on the bed. The alarm sounded off giving me so much headache that I didn't notice the woman beside me.

I gave up looking for my phone between the sheets and run to the bathroom immediately. Just as I realized what happened, my heart sank and tears fell from my eyes. Tears of frustration that I allowed a weakness to take over me. Tears over the fact that I cheated on Stell and imagining his reaction when he learns about it.

I was in that bathroom for God knows how long. And when I decided to get out, my phone stopped beeping and the room is empty except for me and the smell of sex in the air.

I sank down at the foot of the bed, feeling defeated and worried. I held my head, slapping myself slightly in the process, feeling sorry, feeling guilty.

Stell's sad face crossed my mind. And I asked myself how I let this happen. I contemplated on what to do, on all the scenarios in my head. But I never even once hesitated to tell my husband about it. I would have but I know he deserves the truth from me.

I fucked up. I fucked everything up and I don't know what I would do if this means I will lose Stell.

___

_New York_   
_The present_

He wouldn't let me touch him and I understand that. So we sit many inches apart. He's been crying for a while as I narrated everything that I can remember from that day.

At one point, Stell sobbed uncontrollably, making me go over to him, only to be pushed away. But who can blame him, if the one touching him is the one who messed up his life.

"Stell. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Love." I said with my head hanging low. He's still here and for that I'm glad.

"How can you do this to me?" He asked while wiping tears away from his face. "We were just talking that night."

"I don't know. Believe me, I tried to justify all my actions in my mind, but I let it happen. I don't know what I was thinking. I was too drunk to be thinking straight. I'm so sorry, Stell. I know I fucked up. I will do everything, anything. I will live my whole life regretting this and making up to you. Please forgive me. You're everything to me and I can't lose you."

He stood up and I panicked immediately. I leapt from the bench towards him to grab his hand.

"Don't leave, Stell. Please."

I know he's still crying as he wipes his tears continuously. "I have to think. Just give me time to think." He said as he shakes off my hand from him.

He started walking away and I feel even more broken than before. But then he stopped and faced me.

"I don't know if I can ever forgive you. I don't know. But give me time to think. Take care of yourself."

He turned his back again and walked away, without stopping, this time.


	13. 'Cause You See

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paulo and Stell get married.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly NC17/R-18
> 
> Photo credit for cover: onlysejun on Twitter

**'Cause You See**   
**(In Stell's PoV, 2 years ago)**

I'm sitting on my husband's lap at our home office, browsing through honeymoon destinations on the computer.

My husband. Paulo. Nase. My body still reacts differently whenever I think of him as my husband.

We've been married for a month already, but he suddenly became busy because of work, so we had to move our honeymoon several times. We didn't even plan a destination yet, so we're now "seriously" planning where to go.

But I guess we can't plan well when I can feel a growing tent on his jogging pants where I planted myself when he called me in earlier.

"Are you really gonna sit here the whole time?" He asked, lips on my neck.

"Yes, so don't complain." I bent over a little grinding myself "accidentally" on his lap in the process.

I heard him groan under his breath, letting go of the computer mouse and stretching his leg under the table.

"You're such a tease." His hands wrapped around my waist before reaching for the front of my fully tented pyjama.

I bent myself forward, my face touching the cold table in front of me as his one hand run along my back until it reached the bottom hem of my shirt. He lifted it up and planted little kisses along my spine, nipping and biting along the way.

"You're freakin' sexy even in the morning. What are you doing to me?" His husky voice is giving me enough reason to be even more aroused, nevermind that his palm is stroking my front with only the thin fabric of my cotton pyjama in the way.

I breathe heavily. "I'm not... uh... doing anything." I said moaning every word as he thumbs through the waistband of my pyjama bottom, I'm wearing that and nothing else underneath, so I immediately felt his cold palm as he gripped my erection tightly, his thumb running along the weeping slit.

I straightened my body and looked back at him. He smiled and captured my lips instantly, giving me a sloppy kiss. "Stell, I'm so crazy for you." He said after breaking the kiss to catch his breath.

I stood up casually, making him lose his grip on my throbbing sex to sit facing him.

I grabbed a portion of his longish hair and he obliged by lifting his head up, trying to sway in the direction of my hands. The next thing I know he's gripping me by the ass as he stands up to carry me effortlessly back to our bed where we just made love last night.

We forgot what we were doing earlier and succumbed to the call of our mutual want and lust for each other. Anything can wait specially when we can't get enough of each other's touches and kisses.

Who cares if we don't go on an actual honeymoon? Honeymoon is our daily conversations. Honeymoon is when he feeds me strawberries out of nowhere. Honeymoon is him and me sitting idly by at the couch, feet touching as we give each other subtle glances. Honeymoon is when we jog around the park and go home hand in hand. Honeymoon is going to dinner, the theater, the movies together. Honeymoon is leaving our friends dumbfounded at a bar for a quickie at the restroom. Honeymoon is having dinner and holding his hand on top of the table for everyone to see.

Honeymoon is us screaming each other's names as we climax together. Honeymoon is taking turns saying I love you after making love.

Honeymoon is wherever Paulo and I are.

___

_4 months ago_

You see, I never thought I'd marry. I went to New York to pursue my dream of becoming a Broadway actor and in the last 3 years that I've been here, I'm still not halfway to that dream.

If it weren't for Paulo though, I would have packed up my things and went back to my comfortable life in Manila. I don't need to be a theater actor here, my family is quite well off if I may say so and our family business is just waiting for me to take over. I have all the luxury that one could ever have back home, a car, a condo unit, our family home and rest house. My sister and I are set for life all things considered. But I have a dream and my parents taught me to chase my dreams no matter how hard it takes.

I'm lucky to have supportive parents. So when I met Paulo's, I can't believe how anxious it makes me feel to see Paulo so stiff and emotionless towards his father.

His mother is a lovely woman. Maybe even softer and sweeter than my own mom. But his dad is a different story and I don't understand how his mother tolerated this type of person in the last 30 years. One thing's for sure, she must love him so much and depends on him a lot for her to tolerate everything about him.

The moment I met him, I know that my life with Paulo would be difficult whether I like it or not. We're already living together and have been engaged for 2 months and dating for 1 and a half years when Paulo finally decided to introduce me to them.

If it's his choice, he would only introduce me to his mom. He said so himself. And I thought he was exagerating then, but boy was I wrong.

We were at our favorite fancy restaurant to have dinner. If Paulo's approach to everyone has a mix of charm and command, his dad's is just pure dictatorship.

He called everyone like he pays for their salaries as soon as he entered the restaurant. But everyone obliged. He's a very important man anyway, and they can't get a man like that angry, or else they will have a commotion in their pristine establishment.

He has none of Paulo's bright smile, he got that from his mother. He only has a stern look on his face. I'm not sure if it's because he's about to meet me, the MAN his son chose to marry, or because that's just how he is.

Paulo told me not to show any fear, because if I did, he will give me hell and intimidate me until I break down. So I put on my bravest face, learned from years of acting and got ready to meet my husband-to-be's cause of constant anxiety and even fear sometimes.

"If I have a choice, I'd have my son marry a woman who can take care of him and keep him straight. No pun intended. And no offense to you... Stell, right? Every parent wants the best for their children, I'm sure if your parents have a choice, they will have you marry a beautiful girl, too." His bluntness caught me off guard, but not enough to faze me.

"Dad..." His mom said meekly. "He's kidding Stell." She said touching the space on the table near my hand. She darts his husband a concerned look and he just laughs, laughs of all things. I would have preferred for him to keep his stern face, because that laugh is far from sincere and close to mocking.

My ears turned red, in anger or maybe embarassment. I placed my hand on my lap, which Paulo quickly gathered and entwined with his own, thumbing the back of my palm to keep me calm.

"Fine fine. But that's what I think." Sorry is far from his vocabulary apparently, so I let it slide.

"Actually, sir, Paulo asked for my parents' permission to marry me. They flew here just a few weeks ago and they are pretty happy that I'm marrying a good and responsible man." I said with a fake smile on my face.

"And pretty loaded too, right?" He said with a smirk.

"Excuse me, sir?" I asked surprised.

"Love, don't mind him." Paulo leaned in to whisper to me.

"Good and responsible man with his own company, I mean. The epitome of a perfect husband." His father said.

Paulo squeezed my hand under the table tighter. But I can't let it slide.

"He'd be perfect even without that. The world doesn't revolve around money, sir."

His mother let her presence known by tapping his husband's thigh. He looked at her, "I want the best for our son Grace and I don't want anyone taking advantage of him." He then proceeded to address me. "I'm sure you understand that Stell? No parents would want their son to be taken advantage of."

I raised my brow at him. "And no one is out here to do that."

"Dad." Paulo raised his voice a bit. "Can you stop? I brought you here to get to know Stell, not to interrogate him."

"I'm sorry dear, you're the first boyfriend Paulo introduced to us and we are surprised that you're already the fiance. And I think you're great." His mother said with a soft, disarming voice making me smile back at her.

His dad kept his mouth shut for a few minutes before ssaying something again, talking to Paulo. "What about the prenuptial agreement we talked about?"

Paulo hissed at him but then realized he's still talking to his father. "That's not final. Can we not discuss that?"

"What's that?" I faced and asked him.

His father answered on his behalf. "We need you to sign a prenuptial agreement. It's just to safeguard what my son worked hard for. In case you decided to you know, separate along the way."

My forehead creased as I stare at Paulo who found it hard to speak. I have an idea what a prenuptial agreement is. It's also normal for businessmen like him, but I was surprised that he didn't mention it to me.

I gathered my last nerve and kept my composure. "He mentioned it." I lied. I wouldn't want him to add another on top of this and I just want this conversation to be over. I also want this whole dinner to end. It's already taking a toll on me and by the looks of it, it's already making Paulo more anxious than he cares to admit.

"I'll sign, whatever it is. But just to let you know, that I'm marrying your son not because of what he has, but because if what he is. He's the best person in this table and you can't convince me otherwise." I took a sip of my wine and raise Paulo's hand to my lips while looking at him as I mouth "I love you" to him. He took it as an opportunity to lean closer and kiss my lips to the detriment of his father who looked away uncomfortably.

Bigoted people are hard to change. But if they can witness how love works, maybe, just maybe little by little the fact that love is love might eat up their hatred and be replaced by not even love, but respect. Respect for people who also just wants to be happy.

I will never get tired of showing people how much I love my husband to be. Because when he chose me, he allowed me to see his soul and how much he would do to protect my heart and my whole being.

___

_1 month ago_

Our wedding is probably the most casual affair anyone could ever imagine. So casual that Paulo and I just decided to fly to Las Vegas to get it over with.

We are supposed to tie the knot a year after getting engaged, and we actually made some plans already. But the amount of stress we experienced from his father is not enough to wait and suffer longer.

One day over a month ago after a lengthy discussion, we decided to book a flight and the five of us including Josh, Ken and Justin, flew to Vegas to get it over with.

It may seem unromantic to everyone's eyes, but for the two of us, it's just a step towards eternity together.

My parents gave me a flak for doing what I did, but like I said, I got lucky in the parents department so everything turned out okay in the end.

I wouldn't exchange what happened for anything. And I would gladly marry him again in the same way over and over.

'Cause you see, when I decided to say yes to spending my whole life with him, I meant it. And I have no plans of letting go of a wonderful man like John Paulo Nase. Ever.


	14. Struggling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loving and hurting is a two-way street. Paulo realizes the deep effect of his actions.

**Struggling**   
**(In Paulo's PoV, Present Day)**

****

We're back to this. I'm back where I started. All alone. Trying to accept the fact that Stell hasn't made contact in the last two weeks. I'm struggling just to live each day with purpose. 

I finally had the courage to go back to the office to occupy myself from thinking about Stell and my big stupid mistake. Just waiting for the day to go by quickly. Each night, when I come back home, I remember all the things we used to do. His voice filling up the house with laughter. His warmth at night. His tight hugs. His intense stare. His soft lips on mine.

Every night, I replace my longing for him with alcohol. Justin and Ken would alternately invite me out for the past two weeks, luring me out with anything they think I'll be interested in. But all I want to be if not beside Stell is here at home, drowning myself in sorrow and alcohol. Josh is sort of avoiding me, probably not wanting to get in the middle of all of these. I get that. Stell is living with him and I know there will come a time that he will be the one I bother and I don't want us to get to that.

A week after we talked at the park, I called Stell every single day. He would pick up the first few calls. A simple hi, a greeting from him is enough for me to get up in the morning. But he eventually stopped answering my calls, and a few days after, he told it to me straight.

"You have to stop calling me." He said, with an annoyed voice.

"I'm sorry. I don't want to bother you, but I just want to hear your voice. I miss you so much, love. I miss you every second of every day. I just want to hear your voice." I said, begging for him to reconsider.

"I told you I have to think. I can't think with you hounding me every day. I have things to do on top of everything. I'm sorry Paulo, but you have to atleast go back to your life." It scares me how strong he is and how weak I have become.

But I'm not surprised. Between the two of us, Stell has a more stable personality. I've seen it time and time again. His conviction for what he wants to do. How we would argue about topics that we don't agree on. His stance is always unconventional, but made sense. Maybe his stance on this separation is actually a good thing. Except for the fact that I miss him.

"Ok, I'm sorry Stell. I'm so sorry." I dropped the call so he won't have to listen to me sob again. Maybe he's right. I should go back to my life and wait for him to make his decision on us. He hasn't brought up the divorce talk again, so I'm a bit hopeful and relieved. But I won't rest until he's back in my arms. Just giving him a little space to think. And I should go back to my life. 

\---  
By the 4th week, I sort of returned to my routine. Jog in the morning before work, go to the office until 6PM. Occasionally bring clients out with Cameron. We have a new prospective acquisition so the day easily gets filled with paper works and meetings. By end of day though, when Stell and I would usually grab dinner or watch a movie, I'd think about him.

Today, I went to our favorite restaurant, and Eric asked me where Stell is and I had to lie. I don't know why I was so worried lying to someone I don't really know, but lying about Stell being somewhere else makes my heart hurt a bit. I don't think Eric believed me though when he gave me another glass of wine on the house. Saying it's new and they just need people to try. That made me more pitiful and I didn't like it.

After grabbing dinner alone, I walked to Stell's favorite dessert place. It was unexpected, but Cameron is there buying some pie.

"Hey Cam. I didn't know you like this place?" I asked her, giving her a peck on the cheek.

"Hey you. Why are you here alone? Yeah, I love the crack pie here. Have you tried?" She asked pointing at the pie.

"Uhh, yeah. This is Stell's favorite dessert place. But he likes the strawberry shortcake truffle. The crack pie is a bit too sweet for me." I explained, as I motioned to the attendant to get me a slice of strawberry shortcake."

"What!? Are you kidding? This is the best pie in the world. I mean, they're not called "crack pie" for nothing. I'll treat you a slice and don't complain!" She said laughing, asking the staff to get me a slice.

We sat at an empty table in the corner, me with my take-out strawberry shortcake and her with a box of pie. After a while, 2 plates are in front of us. Cameron watched me eat my first bite, expecting me to say something.

"Mmm? This is really good. I know Cam this is good. Just not very fond of sweet things." I said looking at her.

"Stell is sweet and you pretty much adore him." She said reaching for my hand. "How are you holding up? We never have time at the office where I can check on you. We were pretty worried about you that first week. Remember?"

I nodded in her direction. My heart ached a bit and I feel a lump developing in my throat. I prodded the pie with a fork and have another bite. "Yeah, sorry about that.

"You should have told me, so I know what to do. We've been friends for a while. You can tell me anything. You know that, right?" She said as she covered my one hand with hers.

I removed my hand carefully, tapping the back of her palm. "Yeah, I do. Thanks Cam. But... can I ask you something?"

She shifted in her seat anticipating my question. "Yeah, about what?"

"That night. You were there with me. I mean you don't usually drink when I do, I know that. But do you know what happened? All I remember is someone guiding me to the elevator, but you were nowhere near."

She faced me and frowned. "I went to the restroom, when I got back you weren't there. I asked everyone where you went and they told me they don't know. I went up to your room and knocked a few times, no answer. And then I called you several times,"

"And then?"

"And then nothing. I went back to my room. I mean I'm quite sure you can handle yourself if you're not answering your phone. I mean I'm really sorry that I didn't look for you hard enough, but I'm not your nanny. I can't take care of you all the time like that." She's become a little defensive and started to lash out, I can hear the edge in her voice.

"Hey, Cam." I said placing my hand over hers. "I didn't mean anything by it, ok? I was just asking. I was hoping you saw us. But I'm not blaming you for anything. It's my fault. All mine. So I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it."

I didn't really expect it, but all of a sudden, Cam is sobbing, her eyes filled with tears. "Cam, hey. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it." I went over to her and gave her a tight hug, my shoulder getting wet with tears. She circled her hands around my neck to hug back and we were like that for a few seconds before I peeled off her hand to go back to my chair. 

"Are you ok?" I reached for her hand.

"Yeah, sorry for the outburst, but I was feeling so guilty about that. And you questioning me just brought up a lot of emotions. I really am sorry too, Pau." She said sincerely.

"You know what Cam, it's not your fault. Just, let it go. I was the one who messed things up. I know it's unfair for everyone to be involved in my bullshit and I'm sorry." 

She nodded at me and I just felt thankful that someone understands me.

I was watching Cameron wipe her tears away when my phone suddenly rang. It's Josh calling me and I panicked a little.

"Dude, you have to come here. I don't know what to do." He said in a hushed voice.

"Josh, why? What's wrong? What's happening? Is Stell ok?"

"I don't know. I heard a glass break and now he's crying. Hard. Like he's CRYING. Shit. I don't know what to do. I knocked on his door, but he won't open it." I can hear the panic in Josh's voice. 

"I'm leaving now. Just try to knock again please Josh."

"Ok ok, just get here fast. Dude. I don't know what's happening with Stell. He's been out of it for the past 2 weeks."

"Why didn't you tell me? I thought he's okay."

"He warned me not to tell you anything. Sorry Pau. But he told me not to say anything. This is right after he got back from an audition. Someone took him home. He was drunk as hell and the guy asked me if Stell was always like that. Argghh, should've told you sooner. The same guy brought him home tonight, too and he' drunk again."

"Hey Josh. Not your fault. Ok, I'm leaving now."

I hugged Cameron one last time telling her I have to be somewhere and when straight to the door.

City driving should not be like this, but I think I reached Josh's place which is about 20 minutes away in less than 15 minutes. I fidget waiting for the elevator and almost sprinted when I got to his floor, knocking on his door like a maniac.

When Josh opened the door, I can feel how tense he is. He said Stell stopped crying for a bit and then threw something on the wall and started crying again. I went over to his door and knocked. "Stell. Love. It's me. It's Paulo. Open the door."

The door shook when something crashed on it from inside the room. I stepped back, not knowing what to do. "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE." I heard Stell shout.

"Stell, let's talk please? What's happening? Just open the door, please. I won't leave you like this."

"FUCK YOU, GET OUT OF HERE. I HATE YOU!"

"Josh, don't you have a spare key?"

Josh run to his room and he's gone for a while as I continue talking to Stell. He kept on cursing me and I accepted everything because I deserve it. At one point he called me a liar. "You lying piece of shit. I hate you so much."

I don't know what's happening anymore or what he meant by that. I just want to talk to him. I don't care what he does when we open the door. All I know right now is that he needs me. 

I heard a thud on the door, like a body slamming. And I heard his voice from under the crack in the door and his shadow looming. He's probably sitting down against it.

"I hate you Paulo." He sobbed, his voice too soft, but I can hear that he means every word that comes from his moutb. "I hate you. I hate this place. I hate my life."

I'm crying too by this time. I can feel how hard he's taking everything. Even the strongest ones tend to break. Stell is someone who loves life and he hardly has any time to pity himself or be sad. But right now, all I can hear is sadness and anger in his voice. And I caused it. I want to hurt myself for causing this much grief to him.

Josh came back to pass me a key and I stood up to open the door. I was right, he's sitting against the door, so I had a hard time opening it. He pushed back, but I know by the way the door moved, that he's feeling weak. I pushed the door gently but with a bit more strength.

And there he is. The love of my life, on the floor, hugging his knees, his hair all over his damp face. He looked up at me with such anger in his eyes, but at that moment, I am prepared. I'm prepared for whatever it is he wants to do. All I know is that whatever happens now, I will accept it. Just accept it, because I know Stell is hurting and struggling as much as I am. And it's the last thing I want for him.

I can accept my fate. Our marriage's fate. As long as it means Stell will be happier again. I just don't want him to feel this kind of pain anymore. And if it means letting him go, so be it. I just don't want him to suffer anymore. I'd rather disappear than see him suffering like this.


	15. They Say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two timelines merging

**They Say**   
**(In Stell's PoV, 6 months ago)**

****

"How well do you know Cameron?" I asked Josh and Ken who are sitting at our table during Paulo's company's thanksgiving dinner. I'm looking at the stage where Paulo and Cameron are interviewing one of their employees.

It's my third year attending this annual dinner that the company hosts. And every year, Paulo and Cameron sort of hosts the event being the owner and top investor.

Josh directed his attention to Ken, "I don't know, let's ask Ken."

Ken just darted a sharp look at Josh who smiled at him sheepishly.

"Ken?" I asked.

"Ken dated Cameron." Josh insisted.

"Josh shut up. Why do you make it a habit of spilling things?" Ken said in his low voice before taking a sip of his beer.

Josh laughs, "I didn't know that's a big secret."

"How long ago was this?" I asked curiously.

"Long time ago." Ken answered briefly.

I looked back at the stage where Cameron is laughing at something Paulo said.

For someone so good at her job and so smart, Cameron is clasically pretty. She has long flowy brunette hair now, but I often see her with her hair up in a ponytail or in a bun when I would visit their office and often dressed like a boss bitch that she is. She's quite tall, almost as tall as Paulo without the heels.

"I can see how you would date her." I said while still looking at the stage.

"FYI, it's just 2 months. She's the friend-type. Would be a good friend. Won't say anything else"

"Won't say what?" Justin who just got back from mingling with people asked as he sits down beside Ken.

"Nothing, Stell is asking how well we know Cameron." Josh said filling Justin in with details.

"Aren't you friends with her? Paulo's been telling me you sometimes have lunch together." Justin said. I can sense he's a bit confused.

I am too. I mean yes, Cameron and I would go out for lunch specially when Paulo is too busy, which is a lot. I don't know if she sometimes took pity on me, for having a busy man as a husband, but I don't see it that way. So when she would ask if I want to have lunch, I'd nod and say yes, well, because I need to have lunch and she offered. 

I've learned a few things about her during my almost 3 year-relationship with Paulo. For one, she knows a lot about him. I wouldn't accuse her of being obsessed with my husband, but she knows a lot about him and we would talk about him more often that she would discuss about herself. 

I wouldn't put it beyond her, but it's something I wouldn't think about too often either because I see how Paulo treats me and how he treats her and it's considerably different. Way too different for me to be jealous or anything of that sort.

But as they say, keep your friends close... and someone who knows a lot about your husband closer.

"Yeah, we do go out. I mean, it's just natural progression of things, right? She's my husband's second in command." I said in a casual tone. She's nothing to be riled up about.

"I'm surprised she doesn't threaten you. I mean, I'm really glad Paulo found you, we're kind of tired taking care of people he dated who would complain about Cam." Josh admitted while the two looked at him wide-eyed.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked Josh. "And you, don't lie to me. I know you want to say something. Spill." Josh pulled his chair away from me, feigning fright. The two just laughed at him with Justin saying, "You and your big mouth. I'm out of this conversation."

"Nothing, there's just a couple --" Josh starts as Ken interrupts him with his weird laugh. "Yeah, a couple."

"Fine, some. There were some people he dated who would call us and complain about Cam. Like why is she always around. There was one time when he was on a date with someone and he has to pick up Cam because she called him after a terrible date herself." Josh explained.

"And it's not just with women he dated." Justin remarked. "Remember that one dude who was so mad at Cam when she arrived at his unit unannounced? That guy was so mad he asked Cam if she wanted to be in a threesome with them, just to offend her."

I frowned at the revelation, "And what did she say?"

Justin shrugged his shoulder, "Paulo didn't say anything else."

Starting this conversation was so wrong in so many levels. But his friends have been very open to me since we started dating, I guess they felt like they can trust me with anything and they're not wrong. I must've learned a few more things about him from them, but I wouldn't take it against my husband for doing things before we even got together and got married. I've done a few questionable things myself that I haven't talked about with him. Our relationship is getting there. Not that we don't trust each other, but we value each other's individuality and I won't force upon him to spill everything there is to know about him, specially if he's not comfortable with it.

I looked back at the stage. The two of them have this kind of connection that is sort of untouchable, in and out of the office. She has sort of became his mentor in this business and I guess in that sense, Cameron is invaluable.

Paulo caught my attention while he's on stage. He smiled that disarming smile of his, eyes crinkled, almost disappearing, his braces glistening in the stage light. And then he winked at me and mouthed "I love you" in front of his whole company. Who wouldn't love this man? Even if Cameron really fell for him a long time ago, which I suspected she did, I can't blame her, can I?

Just looking at that beautiful man on stage with her, how he stands, how he presents himself. How passionate he is with whatever it is he's doing. Being kind and generous to his employees. And on top of that his sort of dry humor that is just as fascinating as his take on life itself. Who wouldn't fall for a John Paulo Nase?

Paulo and Cameron walked back to our table as the program finished. There's nothing else to do now but party, as the stage lights went off so a DJ can set-up. The lights dimmed too, followed by strobes lighting up the whole place.

"Great job guys!" Josh patted Paulo's back as he approached. While Ken pulled up a chair for Cameron beside Justin.

Even before Paulo can sit down, I grabbed him by the waist and I crashed our lips together in front of everyone. In front of Cameron who I suspected is fuming deep inside. Not that I care. But at that moment, I want to let everyone know, specially her that no one else can do this to him but me. And by the way Paulo placed his hands around my neck, he meant to let them know too that I am his and no one else's.

I can sense Cameron backing off a little that night. But before the party ends, Paulo got a message from her, telling him that their clients from Asia called, asking for a teleconference. Paulo would normally be so ready to take that call. To go back to their office in the middle of the night to talk to whoever it is who wants to talk to him. But that night, he surprised me by telling Cameron that she can take the call herself because he promised me that we would go home immediately right after.

I can't forget how she asked again in person when we were going out of the venue and he said to her "My husband kind of needs me tonight. I think you can handle this on your own." He kissed her cheek and we walked away as the valet pulled up with our car and she was left there dumbfounded.

I can't help but be proud of him that night. I also felt overwhelmed that he chose me over work. He's normally a practical guy and he knows that as long as he tells me it's important that I wouldn't complain. But there must be something about that night that he noticed.

"You can take the call, you know." I told him as I hold his one hand while he's driving.

He glanced at me quickly and squeezed my hand. "It's pretty obvious you want me to stay with you tonight. And I really just want to be at home with you, too. So yeah, Cam can handle that. If she cant, then I guess I'm trusting the wrong person."

"She looks a bit pissed." I joked.

"Let her. I mean between my business and you, I would always choose you." He said looking in my direction again.

"Since when? I remember you saying this business is pretty important to you. And you worked hard on it. I don't think you can just let it go. I mean I know you can't. Maybe tonight you chose me, but you can't let it go. I'm sure of that." I'm pretty confident he won't be able to give his business up just like that, but I'm hoping that he's not kidding about what he said.

"They say there are several important things in a man's life, but two of them are the most important, his family and his career. The two goes hand in hand, because he needs that career to be able to live a comfortable life with his family. If I had to choose, I will choose you above my career, not just because I am deeply in love with you, but because you're my family Stell. When you married me, I know I wouldn't need anyone else. You're enough." The sincerity in his voice is scary, but it felt good, too. Hearing him say it made my insides all warm and fuzzy.

At the stop light, I can't help myself so I leaned closer to him and pulled him in for a passionate kiss. I don't care at that moment what other people would say outside the car. I didn't even care when the car behind us started honking when the green light came on. I just fell more in love with my husband and nothing in this world can ever faze me now. Not even Cameron. Not even his career. Not anyone or anything.

\---

A week after that event, our world suddenly turned upside down when a new opportunity for acquisition came into Paulo's desk. I didn't understand at first how big of a deal that was, until Paulo started working later than he usually does. He already works pretty late most days, but sometimes he would go home way past midnight.

That was also the time when we started pretty much arguing about the littlest things, but would eventually end up in each other's arms anyway because he has to leave for somewhere in Europe and we can't just be mad at each other before he leaves.

I didn't think I can be more patient than I already am, but during those times, my patience was tested many many times, from missed appointments to late night work sessions even at home to the out of the country trips with Cameron.

Instead of falling victim to the situation though, I continued working on myself. I worked out, attended acting lessons, dance lessons, singing lessons. I occupied myself with things I would need so I can finally continue on the dream that sort of got halted when Paulo and I got married.

About five months into the acquisition stage of the said company, which is pretty much longer than it should be, Paulo finally flew out to Amsterdam to finally seal the deal. We had dinner the night before he left and it is one of the best nights of our lives, starting from the dinner til we ended up at home making love many times than I care to admit. I don't really know what got into us that night, but we started the night rocky and ended it on a high and that's all that mattered.

Paulo's town car arrived without him having a single shut eye, he just sort of went into the motion of getting ready, wearing his suit, kissing me goodbye for the last time and then left for the airport. We still can't get enough of each other when he arrived at his hotel in Amsterdam and we talked until his jet lag got the better of him.

A week after, the most unexpected thing happened that shattered my whole world.

They say you can feel it when shit is about to hit the fan and I felt it. I swear to God I have been restless the whole day before he comes home. I slept pretty early then so as to avoid the weird feeling I have been having the whole day, also considering that I have an audition the next day. I threw myself in internalizing the character I'm supposed to read for, I did everything to get the odd feeling off my chest. And so when I heard his voice on the other line when he made a call to me, panting, seemingly getting himself off, I want to satisfy him too. But the circumstance didn't want that to happen. First, someone recognized me from the countless auditions and actually approached me when I was talking to Paulo and then the casting director had to call me, just in time when Paulo is about to be... you know, satisfied.

I felt really guilty dropping the call on him that day. But what can I do? If he's there prioritizing his career, shouldn't I be doing the same thing? Because at the end of the day, both our careers are important, not just his.

After my audition, when I got home that day, I called him several times. But the 6 hours time difference didn't make it easy. I assumed he was sleeping so I let him rest and stopped calling.

I anticipated his message the next morning and waited for him to wake up. But instead of a message from him, what I got is a message from an unknown number with two photos attached. It didn't say anything else but, "Thought you'd want to know what your husband is up to." And then a photo of him with a woman, her hand on his waist, waiting for the elevator. And another of the same woman getting out of a hotel room with the same clothes from the other photo.


	16. Don't You Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paulo and Stell contemplate and face their fears.

**Don't You Know**  
**(Both PoV, Present Day)**

****

> _if darkness is all i see when i open my eyes, then please don't let me wake up_  
>  _i lived in a kaleidoscope world with you, twirling, swirling, painting my life with colors you breathe_  
>  _if you can wrap your gentle hands around me one last time, then i can rest peacefully_  
>  _but my shadow has grown too much, too fast, too soon, too sudden_  
>  _please move far away, let your light shine through, let your sunshine through_

**Paulo's PoV**

I dropped on my knees beside Stell who can't and won't look at me. He started pushing me on the shoulder. Almost feather-like. But then the more I pushed myself towards him, tried to touch him, helped to get him off the floor, his hands became heavier against my body. 

Tears are flowing from his eyes, and he mumbles incoherently about me being a liar and a cheat. That he hates me and can't forgive me. 

"I know Stell, I know. I messed up. I'm a liar. I'm a cheater. Hate me. Hate me all you want. You don't have to forgive me." I said between tears. "But please, let's go sit on your bed. You have to rest." 

Josh is standing by the door, looking at us worriedly. "Josh, can you get some water please?" I said quietly to him. He nodded and sprinted towards the kitchen. He went back after a while, passing me a bottle of water. 

I tried putting it near Stell's lips, but he kept them pursed and unmoving. "Come on Stell. Drink this. You'll get dehydrated." 

He opened his palm and I gave him the bottle. But then he threw the bottle way past me. It landed at the foot of his bed as liquid pooled on the wooden floor. I sighed and Josh went away to get a rag to wipe it down. When he's about to enter the room, Stell shouted at him "LEAVE IT. I CAN CLEAN UP MY OWN MESS." 

Josh stopped dead in his tracks and moved out of the room after I signaled to him that we'll be okay. He got a few things from his room. After I heard the front door close, I got my attention back to Stell who's still sitting with his knees together, his head between them. 

"Stell please. Can I move you to your bed?" I touched his shoulders, and he pushed me with all his strength making me fall back on my ass. 

I stood back up and crouched beside him. It's now or never. I have to do this, so I can tell him that I will do whatever he wants. If he wants a divorce, I'm ready to give it to him. I'll sign the divorce paper right at this moment if it means he will be free of this pain. I'll gladly give his freedom back if it means he can breathe freely again. 

I wrapped my arms around him. Draping him with all the strength that I can gather. 

The next thing I know, my face stings like hell after his palm landed on my face, his ring hitting my cheekbone. 

**Stell's PoV**

As soon as my hand landed on Paulo's face, the bubble I have been in for the past hour bursts, waking me up from what seemed like years of being in pain. Centuries of being angry at the man I gave my whole life to when I married him two years ago. 

I looked at him for the first time since he entered the impenetrable space I have created for myself. When I tried clearing the dark clouds in my mind, I saw my husband for the first time. His hand on his face, soothing himself from where my ring landed. His cheeks are hollowed. He lost a lot of weight. The area under his eyes are dotted with dark marks. The freckles on his pale skin are more pronounced. I stared into his eyes which are once full of wisdom and knowledge. But now, all I see is how sorrowful they are.

At that point I knew that I've hurt him as much as I hurt myself. I saw a reflection of myself in his glassy eyes. And I saw the same thing. How much I changed the past two months.

I run my hand on his face and he leaned into it like he's been longing for it for the longest time. I touched the area where I hit him and my tears fell. 

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to."

It instantly hit me that I have become someone I hate because of the pain I have been carrying for God knows how long.

I covered my face feeling embarassed of the person I have become. He gently peeled my hands off as he shakes his head.

"You never have to be sorry for anything. This is all my fault. I can never forgive myself for making you feel this way, Stell. I'm sorry."

All of a sudden I remembered why I avoided him all this time. I was scared that if I see him, I would instantly forgive him and forget that what he did is something unacceptable. I dwelled in my pain for this long because I know for a fact that when I see him and be with him just the two of us, I might run to his arms like nothing happened.

Here I am now, seeing how much he changed. How both of us changed in the shortest amount of time.

I felt his cold hands cupping my face as he looks intently in my eyes. I cupped his face back, saying the things I've been wanting to tell him.

"I can hate you and still miss you, right? Because I do. I hate you. And I hate that I miss you. I hate you for breaking my trust. I hate you for hurting me. I hate you but I love you and it's like I'm dying over and over just by looking at you."

I hugged him tightly. My brain is fighting whether to hold on or to let go. But when he suddenly scooped me up, I leaned my head on his chest and for a split second I felt peaceful.

I went back to the day we met, when he carried me so I can be comfortable. We should have stayed like that. Stayed in that bench forever where there is no pain except for the physical pain I had. Because I'd gladly live with that pain forever if it meant my heart can function once again.

He placed me on the bed gently and I wondered how someone who treats me this delicately can break my trust and crush my heart into pieces.

He fixed the pillow so I can be more comfortable and pulled up the comforter towards my chest.

"I won't forgive you just because you're doing this." I said.

"I don't expect you to." He said and for the first time I recognized the resignation in his voice and my heart ached just a little bit.

"But I can miss you even if I hate you." I said quietly before pulling his head towards me.

**Paulo's PoV**

I landed on his chest, my hand bracing for impact. But he didn't give me time to think when he pulled me on the nape for a kiss.

I missed his lips terribly that I forego of all the reasons in my mind why we shouldn't be doing this. 

"This is wrong." He said breathlessly while pulling away. 

"I know." I said as I pressed my lips harder against his and he accepted it like second nature.

"We shouldn't." He said while trying to break off the kiss.

"Tell me to stop and I would." I said kissing the side of his lips where his mole is.

"I can hate you and miss you. Because I do. I fucking miss you so bad."

I didn't respond when I realized that the words he just said is not directed at me, but is instead a way to convince himself that what he's doing is right.

But even if I have the biggest self control, I don't think I can allow myself to let go of this situation. Not just because I've been longing for him. But because for the first time in two months, I felt alive.

Just one kiss from him and I felt revived. I feel like I can live through anything again. Even if it's just for a few minutes. Or however long he will allow me to be this close to him.

I hesitated when I let go of his lips to move on his neck. I buried my face in the area between his jaw and shoulder blade. He's intoxicating. 

My head suddenly filled with images of him and me the past 4 years we've been together. The conversations we've had. The dates we went to. The vacations we spent together. Our wedding in Vegas, our honeymoon in Bali. And most of all, the times when we are just sitting idly by at home, eating together, watching movies, reading books. Teasing each other until we gave in to our combined lust for each other.

All things that will just be in the past once he decides that his happiness is more important than staying with the man who shattered him.

I nip on his neck and when I heard him moan my name, I knew that this, what we're doing is inevitable. We both need it to distract from the fact that once all of this is over, there's a chance that all we had will be just memories.

**Stell's PoV**

My mind, body and soul are fighting. The logical part in my brain is telling me that what we're doing is wrong. That when all of this is finally over, I will have a harder time getting back the angst that I've built up for the past couple of months. One side of my brain is telling me though that I don't need the angst to make him feel and to make him understand that he's hurt me. I can already see that he knows just how much.

My body is a different story. It responds to his touches almost immediately. When he placed his hands on my torso, gliding along leisurely to reach my abdomen, I gasped audibly and I shivered under his touch. When he kissed my chest, my body feels like it's on fire as I felt his hot breath against my skin. When I let out a sigh followed by his name, it gave him more reason to touch me in places I want his hands on. He looked up at me before touching the most sensitive part of my body and I nod a consent.

"I have to hear you say it." He said breathlessly as his eyes bore into me.

"You can touch me. I want you to." I said, my voice shaking.

"Don't you know I've been aching for you this whole time? I love you so much." Paulo said in his raspy voice.

The moment I said it, it seems like I flipped a switch in him. He became bolder in the way he touches me. His mouth is suddenly in places I only dreamt of for the past two months.

I surrendered my body to him completely as my mind shakes in fear of what might happen after this.

But my soul, my soul accepted him like this is where he belongs. That this is where we both belong. In each other's arms, despite everything that happened.

The moments of bliss came sooner for both of us. We've both been aching for each other and once we have our hands on each other's bodies, I know that it will end as easily as it started. I was right. But at the same time, it's one of those few moments that would be ingrained in my mind for as long as I live. 

I know I hate him with all I have, but I love him no matter how hard I suppress it. His mind, his body, his soul.

**Paulo's PoV**

We're lying down on his bed side by side, his head under my one arm. We're both staring at the ceiling as I card my hand through his soft locks. I can stay like this forever if he allows me to.

"Paulo." He said without looking at me. I'm dreading this conversation but being in each other's arms now doesn't change the fact that we should go through it. It doesn't mean we should forget about it. And as much as I want to keep Stell in my arms, I know sooner or later that we will come to a decision about our lives tonight.

"Love..." I said tenderly, touching his face.

He sat up, and asked me to do the same. We sat across each other legs crossed infront of us.

"I need you to listen to me. I'll show you something and I want you to tell me the truth. I can't hear anymore lies. If there's still a part of you that loves me, please don't lie." His conviction is scary but I have never lied to him and I never will, even if it means losing him.

"I can never lie to you. I'll accept anything as long as it will make you happy. Just tell me what you want." I said truthfully.

**Stell's PoV**

I breathe in deeply. I don't want to hear the answer to this question just yet, because it will change everything.

If only I can hold on to this moment with him for a few more hours or days or weeks or years, I would.

But the things thrown at me were so glaring not to be the truth. The evidences I saw are too real to be a lie.

I just don't want to play this game anymore.

I'm dreading the answer but I need to know.

"Have you been cheating on me with Cameron for the past six months?"


	17. All That I See

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The past two months for Stell.

**All That I See**   
**(Both PoV)**

****

_**Stell's PoV** _   
_**(The past month to the present)** _

For the 3rd time in a week, Josh found me crying. I never want him to find out that I'm bawling whenever he's out, but whenever I'm alone, I think of Paulo. Not even the photos I saw. Not even about what he did. I just think of him and I feel the longing for him envelop me like a dark cloud and I will suddenly stop breathing normally.

I left him, knowing that he will be miserable without me. His friends called him, but he hid in the world like I expected he would. But at that moment, I can't be there for him and go through my pain at the same time. So I left.

Josh nudged me and sat beside me on the couch.

"This is the third time this week Stell. It's getting hard not to call Pau to let him know you're having a hard time." He said as he carefully reached for my hand to hold it.

"I'll be fine Josh." I lied.

"I know you will be, eventually. But you need to tell me what's going on. Just to get it off your chest." Josh has been my friend as well as Paulo's. I know he's loyal to his long time friend, but I also know that he won't break my trust.

I stared at him, long and hard. Trying to justify in my mind why I don't have to tell Josh. But I've been keeping it for a month now and sometimes I just don't know what I would do.

"Josh, do you trust Pau?" I asked, testing the waters.

"I trust him with my life. We've been friends for the longest time." He said convincingly. How do I tell Josh and know that he won't spill it to Paulo until I'm ready?

"What do you think of what he did? Tell me honestly." My voice is shaking and I remembered the photos I received.

"I don't know Stell. I think it was stupid of him to be that drunk and not know what he's doing. I did tell you before right? I almost organized an intervention for him back then. I was afraid he'll do something stupid while intoxicated and here we are. When you got together, I thought everything will change. I thought he'd be happy enough not to think of alcohol as his escape for everything. It turns out, alcohol is also his way of celebrating everything. But that doesn't excuse him from the fact that he admitted that he cheated on you. And I don't want to believe it at first until you told me that he admitted it. But Stell, if this is really something you think you can't forgive him for, the best thing to do is just file for divorce, right?"

I'm tearing up when Josh finished talking. I know Paulo has a drinking problem and I guess I'm partly to blame because I tolerated it all this time. I can't help but think I have a hand in what happened to us, too. Because I could have prevented it if I called him out on his drinking, but I became too lenient because he said he can handle himself. Until he didn't.

"I wish it was easy to just get a divorce and leave him, Josh. Believe me. The night he told me, I decided I would. But when I woke up the next day, I thought of everything we've been through. When you're an outsider, it's easy to just give your opinion about something. And I don't blame you for wanting that, because that's the easy way out. But marriage is complicated." I wiped some tears rolling from my eyes. "There are things that only the two of us know about each other. By this time, I've accepted most of his flaws and he's accepted mine. There are moments in the past month that I just want to throw everything away. There are moments when I just want to ignore everything I know and run back to him. I still don't know what's gonna happen to us. I wish I do. I wish I can just wish everything to be better."

Josh hugged me tightly. "You'll find your answer sooner or later. But don't keep it to yourself, ok? I'm here for you. Jah and Ken are here for you. Paulo is not our only friend here. We just want the best for both of you."

"Thanks, Josh," I said as I hug him back.

I looked at my phone at the coffee table. I was ready to tell Josh, but I don't know if he'd have enough self-control not to tell Paulo what I was about to show him, so I backed out. This is not the right time to do this. Not that I believe it 100%, but I need to know more to be able to know what I would do.

\---

I'd admit that after what happened, something in me snapped. I've neglected my dream of actually going to Broadway when Paulo and I got married. I still, go on auditions and I still get roles as part of an ensemble, but I haven't gotten any that would qualify me as a Broadway actor. I got some roles in the past four years off-Broadway, but I guess having a particularly good voice and the ability to dance well doesn't suit all characters. They are pretty perceptive of Filipino actors here, thanks to those who paved the way, but it doesn't mean all Filipinos can shine like the others.

In the past month, I ditched my agent who hasn't been doing much for me and got a more expensive one. And she proved why she is as the next day, I was already lined up for not only Broadway and off-Broadway shows but also some TV pilots, commercials, and indie movies.

Having all these schedules helped me re-focus my thoughts and forget about what's been going on in my personal life. I've met a few people during auditions that I hang out with sometimes and it distracted me from the fact that I'm going through a rough patch in my marriage.

Although no matter how busy I get, at the end of the day, when I'm all alone in my room, in an apartment I share with my husband's best friend, I always end up thinking about him.

One particular night, I opened a folder of photos I have been keeping for the past month. It started with the two photos sent to me when Paulo was in Amsterdam. Followed by a series of photos of Paulo and Cameron having dinner together, laughing together, smiling at each other. One photo shows their hands on top of each other as Cameron looks at my husband lovingly. There was a photo at the park where they were sitting at a bench, talking, like how Paulo and I would sit at Central Park to pass the time, watch people walk by and go about their business. Another photo is of Paulo holding on to Cameron's handbag as they enter a town car together.

From an outsider's point of view, you would think that Paulo and Cameron are a couple. And I would have thought the same if I don't know my husband or if I don't know Cameron. But photos are easily manipulated and although I believe these photos weren't, I also know that it's possible that my husband and his CFO do those things together because they work together and are together a lot because of what they do. I am not a martyr, but I know and I've witnessed similar moments between them and if you're there, you wouldn't think anything about it. Photos can be manipulated and misinterpreted.

And just like that, one afternoon, it's as if the universe conspired to play a trick on me when I decided to open yet another message from an unknown number. And it's what I've been fearing of this whole time.

The video is from outside Paulo's office. His office has 2 panels of full glass walls so you can see who's inside. There are several people inside and they're about to leave. 3 people exited and Cameron and Paulo are left there, Cameron leaning on his office table. Paulo has both of his hands on his forehead, seemingly in a foul mood. Cameron pulled one of his hands from his face and she combed his hair back. He caught her hand and put it down, but he smiled at her. He talked for a bit and she nodded her head, then went over to the glass window to put the blinds down. And just like that, the video's over.

I replaced my phone that day after it crashed on the concrete wall when I threw it so hard that the whole thing shattered. I regretted it immediately because then I had no way to contact Paulo to tell him that I hate him and that I want to end things between us. I was ready to call my attorney to get the papers ready. But I remembered I have to be somewhere, an important audition that day and the rational side of my brain is telling me that it is important. So I numbed myself and got ready to go out. Leaving my shattered mobile phone where all the pieces landed.

I thought the worst was over that day, but my audition was horrible and I was told that I won't be getting a callback. Some theater friends decided I needed a break so they brought me to a bar where a familiar face popped up beside me as I was half drunk.

"Stell, right?" he said smiling widely at me. He's full-blooded American, good-looking, and at least two inches taller than me.

"Yeah," I said dismissively and went back to my drink.

"Peyton. We've met at least a million times before." He chuckled and extended his hand at me.

"And yet here you are introducing yourself again," I said grasping his hand lightly for a handshake.

"Well, you've been paying me no mind all this time, so I thought introducing myself for the millionth time would do the trick."

I glimpsed at him quickly and thought, 'Eh, Paulo's more good-looking.'. And I mentally kicked myself for thinking about him and comparing him with someone.

"If I ignored you 999,999 times before, there must be a reason. You should probably take a hint." I said rolling my eyes at him.

"If the millionth time will get you to talk to me longer than before, then I guess I was right to try again." He said clinking his glass with mine.

"What do you want Peyton?" I asked without looking at him.

"You're at a bar with..." He said then looked at my friends scattered around the venue, some dancing, some talking somewhere and he recognized them all and counted them off one by one, "Let's see, Dana, Suzie, Errol and... George? OK, four people who I know quite well-being in the same community and they're doing their own thing and here you are sitting by yourself, I guess getting drunk?" He said as he eyes the multiple high balls on our table.

"What? Are you a psychotherapist or something? Or just a stalker?" I asked bluntly.

"You're wearing a wedding ring, at a bar, no husband or wife in sight, what gives?" He's staring at me now and I feel sort of uncomfortable, but at the same time, relieved that someone recognizes my loneliness.

"So you really are a stalker." I declared. "Are you sure you want to talk to me?"

"I've wanted to talk to you since that audition 2 months ago." The confession left me speechless. "Want to go somewhere quieter?" He asked.

I looked around at my friends who are enjoying themselves. I was too moody to have fun with them anyway so I nodded, opened my wallet to fish some bills, and threw it on the table before standing up to leave.

My head spins a little but I was otherwise okay and in control of the situation. As soon as we got out of the noisy bar, Peyton held my hand and we walked a few blocks to a quiet bar with only a few people.

There's something in the way he spoke that night that calmed me down. I wasn't gonna spill to him what was happening about my marriage, so we talked about where I came from and why I was here. We talked a lot about going to auditions and failing. He said he's been here for 6 years. He's gotten lucky with some of the roles he got, but not enough to be called successful. He said there are times when he just wants to give up the stupid dream and go back to Portland where he came from and just be contented of what he has back there.

I didn't expect our conversation to turn out that way. It made me contemplate my own dreams. Made me less lonely that someone out there is experiencing the same thing as me. We may not have the same background, but we have the same dreams and failures. I thought about Manila, my family, my dad who's hoping that I take over the family business soon but who also keeps supporting me with what I want to achieve.

The conversation was engaging and interesting that I didn't realize I'm already at my nth glass of whatever it is I'm drinking. When I stood up to go to the restroom, I wobbled and Peyton helped me get to the bathroom. He pushed me in and closed the door behind me. In my mind, he's in here with me, but the truth is, he was patiently waiting outside the door for me when I got out and told me I've had enough and that maybe I have to go home.

He walked me out holding my elbow and called for a cab. When a yellow cab stopped, I looked at him and thanked him. But then he got in with me. "You can't walk properly. My conscience won't forgive me if you don't get home safe."

We rode in silence and reached my apartment without any more conversations. Josh opened the door and I heard Peyton asked Josh something. Josh grabbed me by the waist and closed the door on Peyton's face.

\---

I locked myself indoors in the following days since I received that message. I refused to talk to anyone, even Josh. I would sneak out of my room at night so Josh won't be alerted. He will just talk to me and I don't know what to tell him. I don't know how to tell him that I've been organizing my thoughts about leaving his friend. That I've been thinking a lot who in their right mind would do such a thing, sending me all these... pieces of evidence? What do they want me to do? Leave Paulo? And what? Let them win in this mind game they are playing with me? I'm not sure yet who is behind all these, but I'm not a fool and there is no way that I wouldn't suspect Cameron.

She's been there this whole time, being her two-faced self. But I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of denying everything. Even though there's enough evidence to tell me that Paulo is cheating on me with her, I still wouldn't accept it as the fact until I talk to him and see in his eyes that everything, all of these are lies.

However, no matter how I want to tell him, there is still one thing that's holding me back. I'm afraid he will tell me that everything is true. And I don't know if I'm brave enough to hear it from him. Because when that happens, everything we've built for the last four years will shatter and break. It would be the absolute reason for us to forget that the two of us ever existed as husbands. And that he and I will be over. For good.

And then the day I've been fearing finally came.

I was out for another audition today. I've been feeling great, so great about this role that seems to fit me to a T. I did everything I could to be what they wanted me to be. But in the end, I'm still a failure. And I have no idea that this part of my life is taking its toll on me as much as my problems with Paulo and so everything collided making me a big ball of mess. Drinking away all the mixed feelings I've been having the past couple of months. Not caring if I live or die today.

I felt brave enough to call Peyton and asked him out. I don't like him that way, but he makes me feel like I can be my old self again. I can talk and rant about everything that's happening in my career and he would understand because he's going through the same thing.

I've been having fun, forgetting that I have issues to deal with when my phone dinged.

1 email notification.

And there it is. A video of Peyton and me, with his hands around me. He was trying to steady me earlier when I almost slipped off my seat from being way too drunk to even sit and that's the one moment the sender has to send to me. That one moment when I felt thankful that Peyton is here when I hugged him to thank him.

The message from the email said: "Guess, you're no different from your husband."

And right then, I exploded. The glass on my hand flew several feet away and crashed on the floor. Everyone at the bar looked at me. It was eerily quiet in my mind for a second, until a bouncer approached us and told me to get off my seat and we were escorted out.

I kept my feeling from Peyton the whole time. I didn't even tell him what was going through my head. He helped me up to my apartment again and for the second time, Josh closed the door on him and I went back to my room, feeling defeated and confused.

What have I ever done to these people to make them do this to me? To us?

I thought it was over. I thought the night will end with just this one disappointment. But whatever game these people are playing at, they have all intention of finishing this off tonight.

Another email came in with a video attached. I know it's stupid for me to open it. I should have left it alone. But I thought, we are at the culmination of whatever it is that's happening in my pathetic life, what's one more video to ruin it?

I opened it and there is it. Paulo and Cameron hugging at one of my favorite places in this city. A place full of memories with Paulo. Something I thought only the two of us will share for the rest of our lives. And the intimacy they have didn't go unnotice when Cameron placed her hand around Paulo's nape.

And just like that, the pain I've been keeping, all the pent up emotions I've built up to protect myself came like a surging wave that has nowhere to go.

I threw and trashed anything I can get my hands on including a glass vase that broke on one side of the room as soon as I threw it on the wall. I heard Josh knocking on the door, asking me if I was okay, but at that moment, I can't speak. I can't even move. The tears keep spilling from my eyes like there's no tomorrow. I clutched my aching chest. It's like my heart is about to leap off of it. I can feel my heart breaking and it's like no other pain I've felt before.

When I heard his voice outside the door, I froze. Hearing his voice like that brought me mixed emotions. I hated him for what he's done to our life. But at the same time, I want to run and cry to him and tell him that the world has been unfair to me in the past two months. After all this time, he's still the only person I'm most comfortable with. I want to tell him about the people who's been hurting me, including him. I want to tell him that I hate him so much but I miss him. At that moment, I just want him to be my husband, to tell me that everything will be alright and that he will fix it. That he'll fix everything for us.

_**Paulo's PoV** _   
_**(Present Day)** _

"Have you been cheating on me with Cameron for the past six months?" Stell asked.

His deep-set eyes are looking at me. He's been crying a whole lot and all I want is just to stop the pain he's feeling. But I didn't expect that question from him.

"No Stell. I'm not cheating on you with Cameron. I haven't been cheating for the past six months. You're the only one that I see, Stell. What happened in Amsterdam was a mistake. And I know it wouldn't change anything I say now in your mind. But I wouldn't deliberately cheat on you. Not with her. Not now. Not ever."

He brought out his phone and showed me everything. More than the content, what made me lose it was the thought that someone is following me and him everywhere. Invading our privacy. That someone planned to do this. And that someone is hell-bent to make sure this marriage, this relationship doesn't work out and end.

My heart ached. Because I think I know who has the capacity, the gall and the reason to plan and make all of these happen.


	18. When You Leave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paulo confronts Cameron about the truth. Stell makes a decision.

**When You Leave**   
**(In Paulo's PoV, Present)**

****

"Gusto ko lang sumaya! Masama ba yon? Ganon ba kahirap maging masaya sa lugar na 'to? Why does it have to be this complicated? Why is it so hard to be with you?"

Stell is pacing back and forth beside his bed now while I sit down quietly, waiting for him to calm himself down. He's been interchanging from Tagalog to English for a while now since we started talking.

I know it's wrong to feel any shred of lightness in our current situation but seeing him moving like this, talking to himself, speaking his native tongue brought me back to days when we would argue about little things and would end up just laughing about all of it. Specially when he sees me creasing my forehead, not understanding what he was saying. Wish we can just laugh all of this off, but things have gotten so complicated.

The bed shifted when he suddenly sat down an arm's length away from me, clutching his head, running his hands through his hair and then looking at me. "Why is it so hard to love you?" He isn't whispering, but he might as well be by the way he glanced at me, his voice barely grazing my ear.

"I'm sorry." That's all I can say at the moment.

I have been talking and explaining to him what I thought the photos he got might mean, specially the ones with Cameron. We went through it one by one and it's a miracle that I have some sort of memory about each one.

The one at the park, the one at the restaurant, the one when we were getting into a car. Most of them didn't indicate anything out of the usual. And most of those times, Cameron and I were going in and out of meetings for one of our most important acquisitions. It wasn't going easily then, so we were together a lot. During those months, I would admit that I got blinded by the opportunity and was admittedly lacking in being the best husband to Stell. But he never showed any sign of taking anything the wrong way. I made it up to him when I had time, and he accepted all my misgivings and told me that he understood.

I know I was a terrible husband during those times. Often working or away on a business trip somewhere with Cameron and I understand now why it became possible for Stell to feel this way. I regret everything 100%.

The video he showed me of Cameron closing the blinds to my office windows was edited to the point of being malicious specially the way Cameron stood beside my table, running her hand through my hair. I remember feeling awkward when she did that, and it's one of those things that I can't even explain to myself. But looking at it from a different perspective, I knew immediately what was happening.

We just got out of a horrible meeting then, and we have another meeting after through conference call. I was feeling particularly foul-tempered and I wanted to soothe myself before I go on the video call with our client. When she went near me and started to run her fingers through my hair, I caught her hand to put it down. She said I might need a head massage for a bit and I told her I was fine. I asked her to close the blinds, so I can get a bit of rest before our next schedule. She stood up, closed it, and sat on the single couch while I lie down on the big couch massaging my forehead.

I excused myself from her then, telling her I'll have to call Stell, indicating that I wanted to be alone, so she stood up and went back to her office.

"I don't know if you remember? But that was that time when you told me you are about to get into the tub for a bath. You told me I was bothering you since you have everything set up for a nice bath. You said you even lit some candles. I told you that you can put me on video chat and I'll join your bath, but you said you don't want your phone in there. I almost went home when you told me you were about to strip and that I was bothering you."

"Hmm... I remember." He said.

"Even if it was just a few minutes of hearing your voice, my mood instantly lifted, and I was able to go through another hell meeting. That's what you do to me Stell. You make me calm. You make me feel like everything's going to be alright. I wouldn't be stupid enough to try to look elsewhere when I know that I'm already lucky to have you."

"That doesn't explain why Cameron did what she did." He said while looking at me. We both have an idea what all of this is about in regard to Cameron, but this is the first time we are addressing this in the years that we've been together.

I shifted the way I'm sitting to face him. "I told you before that I've never seen Cameron any other way, right? That was a long time ago when you realized that my parents are sort of pushing me to be with her. That was the one and only time we talked about this. And I wasn't lying then. Cam and I have known each other for a long time, it's been years and I've never looked at her in any way other than a friend, a business mentor, a business partner. It's hard to believe now, but I was aware that there's something different on her end. So I never encouraged it, specially when she knows that my dad, in particular, likes her for me."

"Mmm... your dad was her mentor." He said, nodding his head a little.

"Yeah, she's like the daughter he never had. He just saw the perseverance in her. I know she doesn't look like it, but she can be as tough as my dad when she knows what she wants to achieve. I admire her for that, but it doesn't mean I look at her any differently."

"I still don't understand why she would do any of these. You said she can be cutthroat when she knows what she wants, but is it really possible for her to plan all of these? I mean, I thought these only happen in movies." He is obviously so confused and I can say with absolute surety that I'm feeling the same way.

Why would anyone who has everything do this? I can't imagine Cameron being this desperate for a man. And so this is why even if it may sound like the biggest cliche, I know that she's being used by someone with a common goal. And I know the only person who can make her do all these things without question. I was stupid because there's a possibility that she's been loyal to him all this time.

"Stell..." I finally said as I reach for his hand. I was afraid he will move away from me, but he let me, although I can feel his hesitation and doubt. "I know this is not my decision to make now and I know that I've hurt you. As much as I want for us to be together, I know the final decision will still be up to you. I just want you to be happy Stell. And I don't want you to hurt anymore."

"Don't Pau. Don't ask me yet. I don't know what to do. I haven't recovered from what you did. And I won't ever forget it. But I see now that there are things that we need to consider. I don't know Paulo. I still don't know where we go from here." Stell hang his head low, his hair covering his face now. And I can feel every little pain that he has. And at this moment, I just don't want him to feel it anymore.

"Stell, if you need a break. I won't hold it against you. I want to make a suggestion, but I don't know what you'll think of it." I said, being careful with my words.

"What is it?" He asked looking at me. I saw a glimpse of hope in his eyes even for just a split-second.

"Go back home? Even for a bit. I know it's hard to leave your dream here, but maybe a quick break to be with your family would give you clarity."

He eyed me as if he can't believe that I am suggesting for him to move away from me. My heart is hurting too, with that suggestion. Just thinking about being far away from him makes me want to take back what I just said, but I know that it will help him to have peace of mind. And I know that being with his family now would do him good.

He kept quiet. I know he's considering it when his index finger found its way in between his teeth. He does that when he's deep in thought or stressed out. And then finally, he spoke. And what he said left me breathless.

"You're not scared that I may not want to come back here?"

"I don't know Stell." I looked at him with as much conviction as I can muster. "But if that will make you happy, I will just have to accept it, right? I already hurt you and I will pay for that for a long time, so right now, my opinion doesn't matter. If it will bring back the peace in your life, who am I to decide for you?"

Our eyes met briefly, both glassy as if we've been keeping our tears from flowing for a while. I can feel that we still love each other so much. I know that I love him so much, but our lives changed whether we like it or not.

We left our conversation open-ended. Without a single plan what we're gonna do. That or we have plans that we made separately. All I know is that I will not leave anything up to chance anymore. I have to confront Cameron about everything. I have to know if my dad had been meddling with my life again. I want to know if I have a father to forgive this time around. And I don't want Stell to be in the middle of it.

\---

"I need you to be honest with me. I don't care if you're protecting someone. This is my life Cam. My happiness. If you care about me, you'd tell me the truth."

Cameron and I just finished a particularly long meeting when I asked her to stay. We're at a VIP room in one of the restaurants we frequent in the city. She was confused when I told her that I needed to talk to her. I felt her anxiousness the moment I asked her to be honest with me.

"What's this about Pau?" Cameron kept her composure despite everything.

It took a lot from me to not confront her after Stell and I talked. I wanted to think back to everything Cameron and I went through in the past four years when Stell entered the picture.

She was interested when I started bringing Stell in the office, but never did anything to warrant suspicion from my end. Just like all my other relationships in the past, she would always be nice to them. Cameron would even chat with them whenever I get too busy, not that I brought a lot of them in the office.

However, there were some instances when Josh, Ken, or Justin would tell me that an ex would rant about how close Cameron and I are. I'm not so insensitive not to notice, but maybe I sort of allowed it to happen for me to know how serious or patient a person is and most of them left, just because they can't take a specific part of my life. Except for Stell.

When Stell and I have been together for a year, I asked him to move in with me and Stell accidentally spilled the information to her. And she seemed happy about that, even telling me that she's glad I found someone who can tolerate me and my quirks, enough to be living together. She said I should feel so lucky that someone agreed to take care of me because she was tired of always the one to bring me home when I get drunk. Or to hear my rants about everything. She made everything out as a joke, and I was stupid enough to laugh.

After Stell moved in though, my schedule seemed to have been so busy, left and right meetings with potential clients. A lot of them Cameron brought in. I know she attends a lot of networking events for the company, but the number of new clients that came in that time has surpassed the number of clients we've had from when we started the company. But I was not about to say no to new business. So I went to everything like a good trooper. Not all of them signed to us, but there was a lot of work involved and I spent a lot of time in the office and less and less with Stell at home.

But Stell is a gift from heaven. Instead of being mad at me for being too busy, he did everything to make me feel that going home to him is the absolute best thing in the world. And I looked forward to being with him every single day. I think being that busy throughout the day made us even closer. As they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder and it worked on us unexpectedly.

Being busy most of the time also gave me a reason to take longer vacation days whenever there's free time or a holiday. I would fly with Stell to different parts of the world making us look forward to being together.

When Stell and I suddenly got married in Vegas, it took Cameron by surprise when she found a ring on my finger. I don't know why I didn't think much about her reaction, I just thought, maybe she felt left out because she's one of the few people who knew me so well. I don't have to feel guilty then, but I did, so I continued to be the same person for her.

But change is inevitable. I married Stell because he's the one person I want to be with most of the time. My world revolves around him and if I have a choice, I would spend every waking hour with him.

Things started to change slowly between me and Cameron. I didn't notice a lot of things about her anymore and I didn't think much of it until I had to be forced more time with her during business trips.

Looking back, I want to kick myself for being too dense to notice what was actually happening. Little by little, she made my world smaller. She isolated me from my husband, and I was too fucking busy to even care.

But enough is enough. I want to know what's going on. I deserve to know if someone is fucking with my life at the expense of my relationship. I won't allow anything or anyone to hurt Stell anymore.

I brought my phone out and laid it in front of her. She looked at me with such pretend confusion that I wasn't able to help myself when I grabbed her hand and placed the phone on her palm. "Start browsing."

She swiped my phone, her eyes moving rapidly from the photos on the screen. She looked up at me, her eyes misty as tears started to swell up.

The last video of Cameron and I at the dessert place played on the screen. She puts the phone down without finishing the video and all of a sudden, tears started pouring from her eyes.

"All I know is that I've been a good friend Cam." I said as we stare into each other.

"And that's all I've been since the beginning, right? Your friend. So it was easy to dismiss me when you don't need me." She said while wiping tears away.

"This is not about us Cam. I want to know if you have anything to do with all of these." I said as I wave my phone in front of her face. "And please don't lie to me. What the fuck did you do? My husband is about to leave me." It's taking a lot of self-control not to raise my voice, but I thought of Stell and how he's hurting. "JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU DID."

She flinched and blinked several times as fresh tears fell from her eyes. She never expected the temper and I can see her starting to see how serious I am.

"Paulo." She called as she extends her arm to touch me.

I backed away from her quickly, "Tell me." I said with a more stern tone in my voice.

"I don't know where to start." She said while covering her face with her hands.

"Start with the why. Why did you have to do this?"

"I love you. I have loved you for a while. I thought having your dad on my side will change how you look at me. I waited. Waited for you to notice. Sometimes it would show and I know that you feel it, but you're good. You're so good at dismissing my feelings that I thought you just needed time." She sighed.

"Every time you get into a relationship, I tell myself to let you go. But I can't. I would tell myself that I love you so much I'm okay just seeing you happy. But my heart would tell me not to give you up. So I find myself fighting for you each time. I would often find flaws in people you date. They all have a thing in common, they're easily distracted by the fact that I'm always beside you. And they can't take that. Until Stell came into your life."

She looked at me as if she knows that my face would change at the mention of Stell. And it did. I'm ready to fight for him no matter what she says.

"He was different." She continued. "And I got scared. I saw how you treated your past relationships. No conviction. You just wanted to have fun, But with him, your smile, your resolve, even your eyes were different. It's as if he's the only person around when you're together. Your eyes light up. You looked like someone who will just fly away if you allow yourself to. And it made me so scared."

"Who arranged for us to be photographed like this? Was this your idea?" I slammed the phone on the table. And she started to shake her head. "I didn't want this Pau. Please believe me. But he - he told me it's for your own good. And I - I owe him a lot."

"You don't owe my dad anything, Cam! Why did you allow yourself to be used like this?" I expected this, but one can't really be prepared enough with the fact that your own flesh and blood have the capacity to ruin your life. Sometimes I wonder if he really is my father and that I am his son.

"Except I do," she said, almost a whisper. "I owe him everything I have." My eyes followed the tears from her eyes falling into her chin continuously.

"Don't give him credit for what you've worked so hard for." I may be mad at her at the moment, but I can't help but pity her for being entangled with a man like my father. I was feeling sorry for her until I heard what she said next,

"He gave me the money to join your business. The money I invested in you, was from him. I'm sorry Pau. He said you will never have to find out."

"Fuck." I muttered under my breath. "What the fuck did you just say? FUCKING TELL ME YOU'RE KIDDING." I slammed my fist on the table, shouting at her.

"I'm sorry... Pau. Please, I'm sorry."

"YOU HANDED HIM MY LIFE!"

I know I'm making a scene now, and the people at the restaurant might be wondering what's happening. Right on cue, there was a knock on the door and a man in a suit peeked his head in. "Sir, is everything alright? We heard shouting and we thought -"

"Everything's fine," I said calmly. "I'm sorry there was shouting, but we're fine."

He looked at Cameron with concern as he sees her with tears in her eyes. "Ma'am, are you okay?"

"I'm fine, thanks. Can you leave us for a minute, please? We're okay." She said as he nods his head before closing the door.

She reached on top of the table for my hand. There's no way I would allow her to touch me. I'm not someone who would hurt anyone deliberately, specially a woman. Not someone who I've known for a long time. But it doesn't mean I will allow her to think that what she did was right.

"You know how hard I tried to get away from the shadow he casts on my life, Cam. Of all people, you should know how he made me feel all my life. You were there when he tried manipulating me. Many times. You saw me at my lowest. I thought I'm making it on my own. How the hell did you think I will be okay with all of these?" God knows I didn't want to cry, but I thought of everything I worked hard for. All those days and nights spent away from Stell. Was everything for nothing?

"I thought I was doing it for you. I became greedy. I thought I can have you once all of this is over. I'm sorry. I -"

"Just tell me one thing. What happened in Amsterdam. Was it him?"

She nodded her head. "I told him I don't want to do it. I refused, Pau. It was too much even for me. But he was persistent. He owns the company now, and he told a secretary she'll get fired if she didn't do it. I -- I talked to her."

"And?" My heart started beating so fast.

"She tried not to. But -"

"Did something happen between us?!" I shouted.

"Y-yes. It was quick, she said you were so drunk, you called her with some other name. You passed out after you -- after you..."

I can't hear anything after that. I did it. I betrayed Stell. And that fact will never ever change.

I stood up and didn't give any chance for Cameron to say anything else. At that point, I don't know what else to do or where else to go. I have to tell my husband the truth. Tonight.

I got to my car when my phone dinged all of a sudden. It's a message from Stell.

 _'OK.'_ It says _'I'm going back home. You were right. I need to be with my family right now. I love you so much, but I don't know if it's enough to forgive you. Maybe I'll go back, maybe I won't. I still don't know. All I know right now is that being in New York is taking a toll on me. I don't think I'll survive if I stay longer. I'm sorry Love. But I need to leave. I have to think of myself now.'_

I'm drowning in my own tears, but I allowed it. I let the tears flow. It's my idea. I want him to be far away from here as much as possible. I placed my forehead down on the steering wheel. Thinking about Stell. Thinking about our future. And the possibility that he won't be back in my arms again.

_'Where will I be when you leave? What do I do with my life? How can I live without you, Stell?'_

All these words will remain unspoken now. Because I won't allow myself to hold him back from healing anymore.


	19. After All This Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paulo tries to escape from the things he learned.

**After All This Time**

**(Present Day)**

****

_**Stell's PoV** _

"Stell? When's your flight?"

"In a week. I have to take care of some stuff before I leave."

"And how long will you be gone?

"I don't know Josh, I didn't get a return flight yet."

"You're still married. How does that work?"

"It was his idea."

"You can't forgive him?"

"I can. Maybe. In time."

Just as Josh raised a hand to put on top of mine, his phone rang with Justin at the end of the line.

"Jah. Stop. Slow down. What do you mean he didn't show up? Well, did you call his office?" Pause. "Did you call Cameron?" Pause. "Damn it Justin. Calm down. Maybe he just forgot your appointment. And why are you two going to lunch alone?" Fine fine. Doesn't matter." Pause. "Yeah, he's here. Ok, hold on."

Josh puts the phone down from his ear. "Stell, it's Justin. He wants to talk to you."

He passed me the phone and Justin's first words were. "When was the last time you talked to Paulo, Stell?"

I don't know what to feel about the question. But I guess my instinct as his husband kicked in. My temperature rose quickly and my heart beats faster.

"We talked about a week ago. I sent him a text two days ago but he didn't reply. What's this about Jah?" I asked nervously, not wanting to hear the answer.

"We're supposed to have lunch today, I waited for about 20mins before I called him. His phone is off. I called your apartment and it goes straight to the machine. I called his office, but Marissa said he sent an email to ask her to clear his schedule indefinitely. Stell, did he tell you where he's going?"

I immediately grabbed my phone to call him, passing Josh's phone back to him. I dialed Paulo's number, hoping that it miraculously rings just because it's me calling it.

"Justin, we'll call you back," Josh said to Jah on the other line as he watches me frantically re-dialing.

No answer. His phone is off.

I called our home number. The answering machine with my voice and his voice picked up the call and I started to feel desperate. Tears welling up in my eyes. Muttering under my breath as I dialed his number again. "Pick up Love. Pick up."

"Stell." Josh caught my hand. "Calm down. Call your landlord. I'll call his mom."

I panicked at the mention of his mom, I can't let her worry. "Josh. Don't tell her everything. Just ask if he called her." Josh nodded. She knows Paulo's mom will worry if she learned he's been unreachable for two days.

I called our landlord and building manager and as I feared, he told me that he hasn't seen him since he left the house around 2 days ago.

I dropped the phone on the table, and run one hand on my hair. 'Where are you?'

I can hear Josh mumbling on the phone in the next room. When he re-entered the kitchen where we were a while ago, he's shaking his head. "He called her around 3 days ago, but hasn't since."

"Josh... Where is he?" The tears I've been keeping finally fell, wetting my cheeks. Josh approached and hugged my shoulders.

"He's fine. I know he is. I feel he is. Maybe taking a time off. What's the last thing you talked about?"

I sighed. "We didn't. I told him I'm leaving and not sure when I'm coming back."

Josh finally showed concern in his eyes and I panicked full on.

Josh called Justin again to tell him what we found out. "What do you mean call Ken? Is Paulo with him? Ok ok, I'll call him."

I didn't wait for Josh to put the phone down and in 5 seconds, I'm on the phone with Ken.

"Ken, where is he?" I asked bluntly. I just want to know for sure that he's fine.

"Stell. He didn't want to bother you while you make plans so -"

"Just tell me where he is." I cut off.

"He's upstate. In that cabin, we rent out every 4th of July. Stell. He said he wanted to be alone."

"When was the last time you talked to him, Ken?"

"Last night. Well, I called, he picked up but didn't say much."

"Thanks, Ken. I have to go."

"Stell! Wait. Do you know?"

"Know what? Ken, please I have to go get to him. Just tell me."

"Cameron and he talked. She called to ask me to help her apologize to him."

"Fuck. And what did you say?"

"Told her to go fuck herself and dropped the call."

My tears started pouring out that I can't get a word out. "Thanks, Ken."

"Go get him, Stell. He needs you. He said he's fine. Just taking some time off alone, but something seems off when we talked."

"Thank you, Ken."

\---

"Josh, thanks for the ride. You can go, you don't have to wait for me." I said feeling so grateful for Josh who has been a very good friend throughout this whole thing.

"I'll wait for a bit here outside. We don't know what condition he's in. You may need me both." Josh said before turning off the engine.

I nodded in agreement and got off the car. I walked to the front of the house, stepping into the wooden deck that has become so familiar to me. I looked to the side where two wooden lounge chairs are and I remembered the night when we were both sitting on it, laughing, flirting as if we're meant to be together even before we got married.

His car is not outside, so I'm not sure what to expect. I rang the doorbell and stepped away from the door. One minute passed and nothing. I rang it again and waited a few more minutes, but the door didn't open.

I walked back to Josh's car to ask his opinion if I should go around the back to check if the back door is open. "If he's not here you'll be trespassing." And he's right.

"I'll go check the garage to see if his car is here." I almost run to where the garage is and peeked inside. There's nothing there except an old car.

"Josh!" I shouted at him as he jutted his head out of the car. "His car's not here. Call Ken! I think he's fucking with us. Why the hell isn't he -"

Just as I go on a full-on rant about Ken being an asshole, a car turned from the main road, going into the dirt road towards the cabin. The familiar car is now just a few meters away from where I stand and it seems to slow down as it gets near.

I can already see his silhouette from where I'm standing. His disheveled hair is sticking out everywhere. but I can't make out his expression. Will he be happy to find me here?

The car stopped beside Josh's. They both rolled down the window and nod at each other.

"Hey, Josh, what are you doing here?" My heart skips a beat when I heard his voice.

Josh smiled at him, relieved that he seems to be okay and is still himself, "Pau, you ok?"

"I'm good." He turned the engine off and looked in my direction. I've planted myself where I stood and I can't move. He opened the car door slowly and started to walk towards me.

"Hi." His raspy voice alone makes me want to run to him and hug him tight, but I controlled myself. There are things I can't allow myself to do anymore. At least not yet. However, realizing that he was gone for a full 2 days without me knowing where he is and thinking that something bad might have happened to him, brought out all the instincts I have as someone who's married to him. And yes, that simple hi made me feel all sorts of things.

I found myself toeing the concrete I'm standing on as I look down on my feet. "Hi."

"Why are you here? I thought you were leav-"

"In a week. My flight's in one week."

We still can't look at each other straight.

"I see. Still have to take care of things?" He asked. I nodded. "So, Josh won't get out of the car?" He asked throwing a nod at Josh's direction.

"He said he'd leave when he sees that you're okay." I looked up to ask him and his eyes met mine like they are supposed to. And I thought it's game over for me. "Are you okay?"

He took a step forward, just enough to make my heart stop. "I've never been okay for a while. But I just have to go through it, right? I won't be okay until you are."

He took a step back, "Josh is really not going inside?"

"He said he won't," I said quietly.

"Are you?"

"Yes."

\---

Josh said goodbye to us and told me to just call him if I need to go home. I thanked him again and almost cried thinking that in maybe a week, I won't be living with him.

He's been there for me for more than two months that my life has been in disarray.

Paulo asked me to go inside the house while he takes out the things he bought. I looked out the window and saw him talking to Josh, ending the conversation with a quick hug.

I felt guilty taking his friend's time away from him. Josh could have been helpful to make him feel a bit better. Instead, I kept Josh on my side whether I like it or not.

I'm sitting on the couch as he enters the house with shopping bags in hand.

He stopped when he saw me looking. He lifted the bags up, "I didn't bring clothes."

"How long were you planning to stay here?"

He placed the bags on the floor and sat across me.

"I don't know. I didn't make plans." He's looking at me, probably gauging what to ask me next. "Ken told you I'm here?"

I'm feeling uncomfortable now, knowing that I've been questioning his friends about him. I don't know what I was thinking earlier getting so worked up, worried about him.

"Why didn't you tell anyone else you're coming here? We thought Justin's gonna have a heart attack when you didn't show up at lunch. You could've called him or Josh, too." Laying it all out on him made me feel a bit annoyed. He could have let the other two know about his whereabouts.

"I wasn't planning to tell anyone. Ken... found out accidentally. And Ken being Ken, he just had to hound me with messages and calls when Cameron called him." He said biting his lip as he placed a finger on it, probably worried or annoyed for mentioning Cameron.

"You weren't planning to tell me? So you just decided you'll be gone for God knows how long, and then let me leave without seeing you?" I can't help it anymore when my voice cracked. And I reprimanded myself for feeling this way. Being this weak around him. Showing what I really feel.

He stood up when he saw me pressing my hands on my eyes and sat beside me. Or at least a few feet away from me.

"I had to be alone for a while, to think."

"I just can't believe you'd let me leave without seeing me. If I don't come back then what? Everything, those 4 years would have been for nothing?" God knows I tried hard not to show my weakness, but being alone with him, the person I fell in love with almost at first sight is no joke.

His arms are around me all of a sudden. I can feel his hesitance, but when I leaned myself on him, and when he felt the weight of my body pressing on him, I knew his hesitation would disappear.

"I'm sorry." He whispered in my ear. "My life is a mess and I don't want you to be in the middle of all this mess."

We pulled back from each other, I'm still so hurt, knowing that he was with someone else, but I want to know everything. He deserves to be heard. And I deserve to know why my marriage is failing.

"Tell me," I said as I cup his face with my hands.

_**Paulo's PoV** _

I didn't know where to start. I don't know how to tell him that my dad, his father in law is the one who made our lives miserable.

How do you admit to the person you love the most, that one of the people in his husband's life is dead set on removing him out of the equation, enough to manipulate your lives.

He's my father. And what if he thinks I can do the same thing to other people. We share genes. What if Stell thinks I'm capable of the same?

I told him exactly how Cameron told me her story. I didn't leave any information behind. From her being in love with me to being in that hotel bar where she allowed me to go up with that secretary.

I told him how I felt betrayed, but at the same time admitting that I shouldn't have been that drunk. Because if I wasn't, everything that they have been doing had been for nothing. And that one big mistake would haunt me forever.

I told him how mad I am at Cameron. How hurt I am because of what happened. That I'm not in love with her and I never will.

And finally, how the company I worked hard for is a sham. That despite all my best efforts to be free of my father's shadow, he still found a way to discredit everything I worked so hard for. That even before Amsterdam, I'm already in a business partnership with him. His money. His clients that he passed on to us. All the things I thought I did on my own had been a lie.

And that this information kept repeating in my mind. Making me feel worthless.

"My whole life had been a lie except for you, and I had to ruin the best thing that ever happened to me. The only real thing in my life."

_**Stell's PoV** _

He sobbed uncontrollably and I went into full warrior mode. I wrapped my arms around him. The need to protect him from everyone and everything that's hurting him occupies my whole being.

"Shh, you're not a failure. And your life is definitely not a lie." I lifted his chin up to look at him. He had become so fragile in my eyes. "Everything will be okay."

"It won't. Things will be worse before it gets better." He held my hands and I let him. "Love, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. You don't deserve any of it. Please, save yourself from me. Leave. Get out of this place."

My mind and heart were arguing the moment I decided to come here. And it still is. "I can't forget what you did. I can't forget that you betrayed my trust. I can't forget that you allowed yourself to be that vulnerable and that you didn't think about my well-being at that moment. But maybe I can give you another chance. Forgive you for what happened."

He stared at me, can't believe what he's hearing. I can see how hesitant he is to acknowledge it. But it took a lot from me to say it. I went through hell for the last two months. I even came to a point when I regretted even marrying him, We shouldn't have rushed things. We were already living together then. I should have seen the signs. His dad not being okay with everything. The first time I met him, we even argued about some things.

Paulo and I were both defiant. And the fact that someone is against the marriage made us want to do it more. But we shouldn't have. I should have been the voice of reason for both of us. But my love for him blinded me. The thought of being with him forever ate me up. And for a while, everything seemed fine. I wonder what changed. I wonder what made his dad do all these things.

Paulo doesn't want to talk to him yet. He said he knows it's inevitable, but he wants to do it at the proper time. When he's not so consumed by hatred. When he can say to himself that whatever his father would say will not affect him anymore. And to be honest, I am also dreading for that day to come.

But right now, what I know is that I have to give him another chance.

"I love you, Paulo. I love you to a fault. And even after the photos I got, I chose to believe only you. So when you told me that it really happened, I was shattered. It's still painful. But we made a vow. And even if that vow was broken, I just know in my heart that this, what we have, our love deserves another try." I felt my tears flowing freely from my eyes. There's still some doubt in my system, but I know that we both deserve to try again.

"Stell." He held me, my head on his chest and I can feel his heart beating. I can feel his hesitation too. We were both hurt. I see that now. We've both been hurt by the circumstance. And by the way he's holding me, he can't believe that he deserves this chance, too.

After a while, we pulled apart. And it's as if the only thing we want to do is look at each other. We can't laugh at this situation, but we can learn from it. "We'll try. Okay? I want us to try like our life depends on it. I want you to give up drinking."

_**Paulo's PoV** _

Give up drinking.

I know it's going to be tough. I've been like this for as long as I can remember. But for him, for us, I will definitely try,

"I don't know how I even deserve this, Love. I don't know how I even deserve you." I said honestly.

We wiped each other's tears. "I just know that we have to try. Even if it's hard. I can't forget easily, but I love you. I love you so much that I honestly don't know if I can be without you. After all this time, even after all this pain, my heart still screams for you, Pau. So, please. Please don't break my heart again."

"I won't, not anymore. Not ever. I'm sorry Stell. I love you so much."

There's nothing else to do at that point but to kiss him. I approached his face cautiously, being very careful not to do something that would destroy the balance we are trying to maintain. He slowly moved his face towards me, too. We can feel each other's breaths on our faces. The familiar sensation enveloped us both.

"Pau, take care of my heart, please?"

"I will never hurt you again. I'd die first before anyone hurts you again, Stell."

"I love you." He whispered.

"I love you," I said before our lips touched.

_I'd die before anyone tries to hurt you again. I will take care of you. I will never leave you. You're mine and I'm yours and no one can tear us apart._


	20. About to Fall Pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything must come to an end.

**About To Fall**   
**(Present Day)**

_**Stell's PoV** _

"Is there something you want to say to your partner that you can't say when it's just the two of you?" Our therapist asked.

We look at each other, sitting side by side. It's our third time here and so far, things have been okay despite being tensed during the first two sessions. 

We started going when we moved back in together. Part of what we agreed upon when we decided we'll give this another try.

During the first meeting, we went straight to family history, a topic that's very tough for Paulo. From what our therapist observed, Paulo was asked to attend a few sessions alone with her to work on some things and he's gone to her once.

I nudged his knee, "Want to answer first?" I asked.

He shifted in his seat, creased his forehead while thinking then looked at me.

"Have you really forgiven me? For what happened?" 

I directed my eyes to the therapist, "Is it okay to answer that?" 

"If you want to. Yeah it's up to you." She said in her soothing voice.

I looked back at Paulo who's expecting my response. "To be honest? There are days when I would wake up beside you and think, 'Have I really forgiven you?' Sometimes, I would dream about you with an unknown woman or with an unknown man and I'd wake up hating you. Like hating you to my core. It would take a few minutes before I would realize I was dreaming and none of it is real. Or at least the dream wasn't real. But then I'd think, he did it. He once did it, so what if he does again? I'm sorry, most days I know I have forgiven you, but I guess I still have that fear of trusting you fully."

He looked at me gently and held my hand. "I understand, I don't expect it to be that easy. And I'm sorry that you have doubts. I'll try to do everything just to gain your trust back."

The therapist cleared her throat, "How about you Stell? Any questions you want to ask Paulo that you can't or having a hard time to ask?"

I'm dreading this. I know in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter that whole lot specially now that we're back together and things have been quiet lately. But I'm always in fear that something will happen again that would involve his father.

"Pau. We haven't talked about this. But I want to know if you have plans on talking to your dad about what happened?" My voice is shaking but I'm being honest. I fear his dad and what he would do just to get what he wants. And Paulo treating it like it's nothing is making me anxious.

Paulo pulled his hand back. And I think I actually saw him shiver a little. His eyes turned a bit dark and his expression sombered.

I looked at our therapist to see her reaction to what happened to Paulo at the mention of his father. And she wrote down something on her notebook.

She looked at me as I was about to speak to hint at me to hold what I'm about to say.

"You can answer or not Paulo, it's your choice." She said. He was startled when she spoke and nodded to himself. 

But then he looked at me and what he said caught me by surprise, "I'm scared."

I think this is the first time he actually worded what he feels about his dad and what happened.

"I'm so mad at him. And I want to confront him, but I'm scared of what might happen if I do. More than anything, I'm afraid what I'd feel if I learned that my mom is in on it too." He hang his head low and started fiddling with the hem of his shirt.

My hand is on his knee in no time. The need to be there for him taking over my whole being. I love him this much and seeing him in disarray because of a single person is making me want to protect him, but I honestly don't know for how long. Because every minute it takes for him not to address the situation, the more I get scared that when it happens again, I may not be able to tolerate it.

"Why do you want him to talk to his dad, Stell?" The therapist asked.

I didn't prepare to answer that question. But maybe this is the right time to say it, because if I don't, I may never will. And it will surely eat me up alive.

"I'm scared, too. That if you don't address this for way too long, that it won't matter anymore. Like giving him permission to do it again and completely ruin us. For good."

Paulo raised his head to look at me.

"Pau, please talk to him. I want to feel safe in this relationship. But that won't happen until I know that there is a chance that what happened before will happen again. I just want to feel safe again." This is the most honest I've been since that day in the cabin. 

"Stell. I'm sorry. Yes. Of course, I'll talk to him." We're holding hands in no time. I can hear the sincerity in his voice and I knew for sure that it's also what he wants.

I'm just worried. That I may be pushing it too hard. Or making him do things that will make him uncomfortable.

On our way back home, I knew I have to apologize for what I said during therapy. "Paulo, I'm sorry about what I said."

"Huh?" He said quickly glancing at me.

"About talking to your dad. I'm not aware that you are that scared to talk to him." I peeled his hand off the clutch to clasp it with mine.

"I promise I'll talk to him." 

"In your own time Pau, when you feel comfortable enough. I'm sorry I didn't consider your feelings about it."

He pulled our hands from my lap and placed my hand, clasping his, over his lips.

"You don't have to be sorry. I know you just want this chapter of our life to end and that won't happen until I talk to him. I get it."

I was about to answer when the car filled up with ringing sounds from his phone. I eyed the caller from his phone on the dash and it says 'Mom'. I don't know why I felt a sudden pang in my chest after seeing her name. I also haven't talked to her in ages, and it made me miss her.

Paulo unclasped our hand and reached for the screen monitor.

When he tapped it, his mom's hoarse voice filled up the car. Her voice which is naturally melodic and chirpy sounded tired and thick, like she's been crying. I think Paulo noticed too.

"Mom, what's wrong?"

"John. We're at Roswell Park. Your -"

"Why? What happened? Are you okay?" He said cutting off his mom upon hearing that she's in a hospital."

"I'm fine. It's your dad. He complained about not being able to breathe properly. And then... He.. collapsed." His mom's voice trailed off as she started to cry.

"Why didn't you bring him in a nearby hospital? That would be best." I can hear a bit of panic in my husband's voice but I think I heard a sigh of relief when he heard it wasn't his mom.

"I had to bring him here." She sighed. And took her a while to continue what she's been saying. "His doctors are here. And his treatment is here."

"What treatment? What are you talking about, mom?"

"He's been getting chemotherapy. Sorry we didn't tell you, son. Dad is stage 3." She sobbed, not able to control her emotions anymore.

"Stage 3 what mom?"

"It's his lungs, honey. He's been doing great this year. Until this." She said while crying full on now.

Paulo placed both his hands on the steering wheel. Grasping it tightly, his knuckles turning white.

"Mom, I'll call you back." He said after quickly dropping the call.

For the first time since we got out of therapy, I don't know what to say to him. He became quiet. But when I got his one hand to caress it, he peeled that hand off the steering wheel and allowed me to hold it. I glanced at his face and a few stray tears are falling on his cheek.

_**Paulo's PoV** _

There's a few things in my life that stick out. Most of them about Stell, when I met him, our first kiss, when I proposed, when we got married, our whole honeymoon, when he left, when he slapped me, the day he went to the cabin.

Some of it about my family like when I was 10, before my dad started to become critical of me. He used to take me hiking. I remember him carrying me on his back because I was so tired. When we got to the top, I remember him telling me that he wants the best for me. That life will be an uphill battle, that I have to prepare for it. That he can't be there for me all the time, but he will try his best to steer me in the right direction so I won't have regrets. He hugged me tight and we went down the mountain laughing.

It was memorable because I always come back to it whenever there are decisions being made for my sake that I don't agree on. My naive 10 year old self accepted all of it. Because it was guised as a father's love. But the more I look at it as I grow up, it became less and less of love and more and more of control.

I'm an only child. So there is no one to share the burden of carrying the family name with me. And this became apparent when I fell in love with a boy when I was sixteen. The way I didn't care if my father hated me then for being a disappointment. I know so because he told me, 'If you are going to be a disappointment all your life, I might as well not have a son.' And if not for my mother's meddling, that boy I fell in love with might have had it worse.

It's a phase. He kept on telling me. He may be right because I fall in and out of love to both genders as I grew up. And time and time again, I hid everything from him when I started to date men. But all of those were fleeting. They never last. I wouldn't have to defend anyone like how I defended the first boy I loved.

Until Stell came into the picture.

I know for sure it will be hard. But even if we talked about it a lot, we never thought that it would come to this. I can't even justify my father's words to me when I was 10. Because I know I've steered myself in the right direction before I realized that he was the one who was holding the wheel to my career. But with Stell, I know that I made the right choice. And I decided on it on my own. He's the one for me and I knew it the moment I kissed him for the first time. However, my dad's version of the life he wanted for me is different.

I've had a suspicion even before Cameron told me that my dad had been the one behind all the photos sent to Stell. 

What I don't understand though is why he thought Stell wouldn't talk to me about it. But I guess he did. I guess he knew Stell would tell me and that was his plan all along. Maybe what he didn't expect is Stell's capacity to forgive because he loves me that much.

I sometimes find myself not wanting to accept that love, because it may be the reason why Stell is happy, but sometimes, it is also the cause of his unhappiness and I don't want it to be that way.

These days, I often wonder, what's the use of love if it keeps getting in the way of happiness? If I love someone that deeply, but they keep on hurting because of the love I give, what's the use of me loving them?

I know for sure that my dad loves me. But that love made me miserable, anxious and even drove me to my drinking problem. I'm an adult and it's enough to know that not all of it is because of that, but he definitely contributed a whole lot to why I became the mess I am today.

Stell is willing to give me another chance despite everything, but will he be truly happy? If it makes him miserable in the long run, then what will that make me? I will be no different from my father. Someone who will hold on to something and say it's love, even if he's the only one who will benefit.

Wouldn't it be better to just love him from afar then? 

Sitting here beside him now at the hospital waiting room, him holding my hand like my life depends on it is making me more convinced that being far away from him is the only thing that will make him truly at peace.

He's with me now, keeping my emotions at bay, for someone who almost succeeded in ruinung our relationship.

How he can be so calm in a situation like this, when the man who orchestrated something to ruin his marriage is just behind that door is beyond me.

I look at him and all I see is resolve. There's no anger. Just concern. For me and what I'm going through. But what about his well-being? What about Stell's happiness?

Will our love really be enough to go through life together? Will it be enough to stay together, even if it means he'll be miserable from time to time?

The door to the room opened and my mom rushed to me with a crushing embrace. She's crying on my chest in no time. When she noticed Stell beside me, she extended her hand and asked Stell to join in. He hugged us both from our sides, his long arms extending to accommodate us both. Stell, who has been selfless all this time. I can't believe I'm making him go through this.

My mom pulled away after a while, "Do you want to go in now?" She asked me.

I don't want to question her now about what she knows. Her husband is behind that door, suffering from something and I don't want to add to her worry.

I nodded and extended my hand to Stell. He refused and told me to go on by myself. I know then that this is something Stell chooses not to face right now, and I understand what he's feeling. So I kissed his lips and whispered, "I'll be right back," onto his ear before I followed my mom to the room.

His eyes are closed when we entered. My mom walked beside the bed and bent over to kiss his forehead. His eyes flickered open and my mom whispered something in his ear before he looked in my direction.

Despite all the machines attached to him, his spirit is the same, commanding and with a certain authority. I often ask myself why I don't have his confidence, but I would gladly take my average self-confidence than to scare people away. It seems like my mother is the only person who can actually make him soft by the way he looked at her when he opened his eyes.

"Sir." I said with a certain level of dignity. Calling him dad now will just make him feel like what he did, all of it was right.

He said something to my mom, she nodded and walked to to door leaving us two in a standstill.

I pulled a chair beside his bed, maintaining a safe distance from him.

"So you know." He started.

My mind complained. That's really the first thing he's gonna say to me? I guess I expected it. I won't get an apology. But it doesn't mean I won't say what's on my mind.

"How can you do this to me? I'm your son and you played with me just like that?" I said, my teeth gritted to prevent me from screaming at him.

"I'll steer your life for the better. What I think would be best for you. Leaving my company was a bold move. I was proud of you for a second, but then I thought you were naive and stupid. You don't know what you were doing. I did what I could to make you successful." He said all of that without remorse and it made me all the more mad at him.

"And use Cameron while you can?"

"I knew from the start that she likes you. I banked on that, I thought you're eventually gonna develop feelings for her. Because that's how it works sometimes. Just look at your mom and I. We were forced into this marriage but look at us now."

"Not everything works the same dad."

"Yeah, specially not when you fell in love. With him. Your husband."

"Stell. He has a name." I said almost shouting.

"Yes, Stell. He wasn't part of the plan." He said still refusing to accept that manipulating my life was wrong in so many ways.

"He doesn't deserve any of it. Everything you made him go through." I said chewing the insides of my mouth to prevent me from showing any weakness.

"He's a casualty."

"He's my husband. And I love him and you have no right to play with his emotions like that."

"When will you realize that all of this is for you?"

"I won't accept it. You're just using that to justify everything that you did."

"If you won't think about me, think about your mom. I will die soon enough because of this illness. And I've accepted that fact. When I leave, what will happen to her? She'll be alone. Without a family. She will never be a grandmother. How do you think will she ever live without a family on her side?" He said, showing a bit of emotion while talking about my mom.

"I'm here for her. Stell will be here for her."

"And then what? When you two are living your own life, where will she be?"

"That's not the only way to have a family dad. I'm sure you know that." He knows I'm right, but he still chose not to listen.

"I want to talk to Stell." His voice is firm, but there is no way I will allow Stell to go near him.

"That won't happen dad." I said with the same firmness in my voice.

"Once. And I will never bother you two again." The offer sounded too good to be true. So I did what anyone would do in that situation. I walked out and left him alone.

My nostrils are flaring from anger when I got out of the room. My mom and Stell are holding each other's hands in the waiting area and they both looked at me with such confusion.

Stell stood up and hugged me. "What's wrong?" He asked, whispering in my ear.

"Nothing. I had to get out of there." My breathing became labored and I know I'm having an anxiety attack at that moment. 

The next thing that happened is out of my control, but I shouldn't have let it happened.

Stell sat me down before storming into the direction of my father's hospital room. I followed him and grabbed his hand. "No, Stell. Stop." I said while holding his hand.

He looked at me straight in the eyes. "I'm tired of just sitting by when he's there trying to hurt you." He loosened my hand as my mom stands beside me, looking so confused.

"John, what's happening?"

Stell took that opportunity to walk away from me as I stare at my mother. She needs to know everything.

_**Stell's PoV** _

All the emotions I've bottled up the past few months seem to have resurfaced before I enter that room. I was ready for battle. I was ready to let the man who ruined our lives know that I hate him. I was ready for a speech.

Until I enter and all I see is a man surrounded by machines keeping him alive. I guess he didn't expect me to barge in like that.

Because when I opened that door, he's been wiping tears that won't stop falling from his face.

Just a feeble man who realized he can't have everything he wants in life. Just a sick man waiting for his time.

And I softened. Something I never expected from myself.

"Hi Stell."

"Hi Mr. Nase. I think we need to talk."


	21. About To Fall Pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything has to end.

**About to Fall**

_**Stell's PoV**_

When I moved to New York, I expected a lot of things. I expected to have one major role in a Broadway show, to have friends in the industry that I can hang out with, to date people from all walks of life, to kiss in Central Park, to walk hand in hand with someone in the streets of Manhattan, to fall in love. I expected, waited, and planned for all of those to happen.

What I didn't plan for is to fall madly deeply in love with one person. Enough to move in with him. Enough to marry him. Enough to endure everything for him. I didn't plan to meet the perfect person to complete my life. I didn't even imagine that my life was missing something until I fell for him. John Paulo Nase was my plot twist. He turned my life into something I can't even describe. He turned my life into a fairytale and a nightmare.

I was never one of those people who's scared of falling in love and getting hurt. In that sense, I was brave. Because I know that whatever happens, I will fight for the person until my heart can handle it. But the problem lies in the what-ifs. What if I get tired? What if my heart decides it can't handle things anymore. What if my soul tells me I need a rest. What if my mind tells me to let go?

I thought I can handle all the things I'm going through with him. I thought I will never get tired of fighting. Until I realized that what we're going through is a tough battle, not because we don't love each other. But because all the pieces piling up on top of each other is becoming harder to bear. I am at my breaking point. And I don't even know if love can fix all of these.

_**Paulo's PoV**_

Stell went straight to bed when we got home. We didn't even talk in the car. We just held each other's hands like we always do. It has been a tough day, from the therapy session to the hospital visit that we didn't expect would happen.

I talked to my dad, but I don't think he will ever understand that what he did was wrong. So when Stell entered his room, I was worried. I wanted to be there for him, but my mom held me back by making me realize that she didn't know anything about what's happening between my dad, Cameron, Stell, and me. So I stayed and we talked.

My mom was crying after I told her the whole story. She couldn't believe herself, that her husband is capable of all those things. When Stell got out of my father's room, he was quiet. Even when my mom hugged him, he just stood there taking it all in. Not even asking why she was crying.

I said goodbye to my mother, asking her what she plans to do. And she said there's nothing else to do but talk to him. But she also resigned to the fact that my dad's stubbornness will make everything complicated.

She hugged me tightly, apologizing for what I had to go through before facing Stell, whose head is down. He accepted the apology and initiated a hug with her.

Right now, Stell is curled up in bed in a fetal position. I brought in a bottle of water, but he refused it, so I placed it on the side table, climb on the bed, and lied down beside him, curving my body to match his. We were in that position for a long time, until we both fell asleep.

_**Stell's PoV**_

Paulo is still hugging me when I woke up from a nap. I faced him, his hand sliding along my waist. He must be tired, physically, mentally, and emotionally when he didn't even stir when I moved.

I examined his face. His long hair is covering his forehead and eyes like a curtain. I parted his hair and kissed his forehead. He involuntarily let out a sigh from the kiss, or he's probably dreaming, by the way, his forehead creased. I felt the tiredness in my own body as I watch him.

I lifted his hand off my waist and I moved slightly away, still facing him. The absence of my waist from his hand made him stir a bit, but not enough to wake him. I stared at him, memorizing his face. From his cheekbones and to how his cheeks would flush whenever I say something sweet or when he's embarrassed by the way I show my affection in public. To his eyes that would fall on me and make me feel things instantly. His mouth would pout whenever he wants something that I wasn't able to give or when it would curl into a side smirk that makes me go crazy for him. I run my thumb on his lips, taking note of how soft they are against my own and everything it touches.

"All of you could be mine forever, if only I'm not tired... of everything," I said in a whisper. And just like that, my tears fell. I wipe them as I look at him.

"I'm sorry." I finally said before I broke down fully. The sound of my voice finally waking him up.

In the darkness, his eyes flew open as he hears me cry. He panicked and pulled me closer to him. "Stell. Hey. Love, what's going on?" He doesn't know what to do. He just stares at me like I'm going to disappear the moment he blinks.

I pulled the blanket over my head to hide from him. I can feel him pulling me even closer, my head hidden under the blanket. I can't look at him right now. Because I might change my mind from what I'm about to do.

"Stell, talk to me." He said as I let tears flow from my eyes under the blanket. "I know something is wrong the moment you stepped out of that room. Look at me and talk to me. Please."

I shook my head. I can't look at him. It will break me.

"Stell, whatever he said, please, forget about it. Listen to me. You and I, that's all that matters." I can't see him, but I know that we both have tears in our eyes.

I shook my head for the nth time. "I'm tired, Pau. I'm tired of everything. If I go on like this, even if you're here, I'm gonna change completely." I'm trying to be strong, but my voice is shaking.

"What did he say? Please tell me. I can still do something about this. I can fix this. We can make this work." His voice is still hoarse from waking up abruptly.

Being under the blanket is suffocating me, my breath started to hitch, but I can't face him. "You once said you want me to be happy. I'm not even hoping for that now. I just want to be free of this. It doesn't matter what he said."

He tried pulling the blanket away from me, but my death grip on it is stronger. "Please Stell. Let's talk about this. I can't be without you. I thought we're trying to fix things. I thought we're working on it. What changed? I deserve to know why you're giving up on us."

His voice breaks and I know for sure that he's hurting. The thing is, I am too. It hurts so much I just want to disappear. I slowly lifted the blanket off me, and I was right. His tears are flowing with no signs of stopping. Both of us drowning in our own emotions.

"I don't want to be a pawn in this game anymore. I'm tired of being thrown around like I'm an accessory to someone else's life. I don't want to be used to hurt you anymore. I can't live like this."

"I'm sorry, Stell. Please. I will do everything to not let that happen again."

"No Pau, Please. Let me go."

_**Paulo's PoV**_

"Please. Let me go."

The words kept repeating in my head. It's him asking for his freedom. Asking to be free of the pain he's going through. I thought it would be easy to give him what he wants because it's the same thing that I want. He's hurting and I like it to be over. He doesn't deserve to be in the middle of my messy life. But hearing it coming from him hurts a thousand times more.

This is it. This is how everything ends. This is how I can make him happy. By being far away from me and my fucked up life.

I can love him from afar. I can let him go for his happiness and love him from afar. People do that. I can love him without making him miserable. But it hurts. Like I'm being ripped open, my heart being squeezed and stomped on.

I have to try for the last time.

"Stell." Were still lying on our sides facing each other. "Let me love you longer. I need you. I love you so much."

He wiped my tears away, even if fresh ones kept pouring from my eyes. And then repeated what he said.

"Please. Let me go."

_**Stell's PoV**_

"I love you. And I don't want to leave like this. I want us to accept our fate and move on."

"Why now? Stell, please tell me. Why now? We're working it out, aren't we? I'm 2 weeks sober, I'm going to therapy, we're working things out. Why now?"

"Because if we don't, I'll disappear. All of me will be someone I don't want to be. I'll lose myself from loving you. I'll be someone I'd hate eventually. I can't be just someone's husband anymore. I don't want my whole identity to be someone who's accepting manipulation just because I love someone this much. And I will continue to be this person if I stay with you. I can't be your someone anymore. Specially with all the baggage. I'm tired, Paulo."

_**Paulo's PoV**_

I kissed his forehead and stood up. He followed me with his eyes, still drenched with tears.

"I have to think."

I left him with his head buried under a pillow.

This was not the evening I planned to have. I thought we'd discuss moving forward after I talked to my dad. He will be persistent, but I believe that eventually we can move forward and be free from his grip on my life. But I guess all of that is just wishful thinking now.

Both of us didn't sleep that night. We were only separated by a wall, but I can already feel the longing for him. Being without him will be hard. It may even cost me my life. But as the sun rises up, and streaks of sunlight started to come through the curtains, I finally have some clarity.

It doesn't matter what I want or what I feel. This has nothing to do with me anymore. And he kept on telling me what this is really about since last night. His peace of mind. His happiness. He's not tired of me but the situation we're in. And I can't blame him if he wants out.

Just as I was about to stand up, I heard rustling from behind me. A suitcase is being dragged across the floor. My heart thumped heavily. Everything seemed familiar. Until he let go of the suitcase and walked towards me. He sat at the coffee table in front of me and held my hands.

_**Stell's PoV**_

My heart is about to beat off my chest. I know I've decided on it. Thought about it a lot. But facing him in the daylight like this makes me want to back out. His eyes pierced through me as I sat down on the coffee table in front of him.

I held his hand tightly. Even before I speak, tears are welling up my eyes. As soon as I open my mouth, I felt hot tears pouring from them. And as I look at him, the same thing is happening to him.

"I didn't think it would be this hard," I admitted. He deserves to know what I truly feel.

Paulo nodded.

"I hope someday you find it in your heart to forgive me."

Paulo shook his head.

"No, Stell. There's nothing to forgive. I did this. It's all on me. I fucked up. And I know, even if you said you can forgive me, that it's making you unhappy. For what it's worth, I really am sorry. For wasting your time. For messing up your life."

"Pau, please. Stop. Let's not make it any harder." I placed his hand on my lips and kissed it. "I will miss you."

We can't help ourselves anymore at that point. We hugged each other tightly. He kissed my hair and said, "I'll miss you so much."

_**Paulo's PoV**_

It was hard to resist the urge to cling on to him. We didn't even kiss. We just hugged each other until we lost both our strengths.

When he closed the door, leaving me in a daze, I think I finally know how he felt the first time he left this apartment. I'm numb. I don't feel pain or anger. I don't feel anything except the need to go on about my day.

My world will continue revolving even if you left.

Instead of idling by, I went to the closet. Seeing it half empty didn't do anything. I went to change into jogging pants and a sweater.

As I go on a jog, I listed down all the things I need to do. I will go back to work after being away for weeks, fire Cameron and tell her to stay away from me and my family. I will call Justin, Ken, and Josh and ask them out for a drink. Call my lawyer to see how I can buy back my whole company from my dad. Call a divorce lawyer to ask advice on how to give half of my assets to Stell. Walk in the park, alone. Call my mom to make sure she's okay. Go home and sleep.

_**Stell's PoV**_

I checked into a hotel as I arrange everything before I leave New York for good.

Staying with Josh or any of his friends will just make matters worse and I don't want them to be in the middle of it.

I finally called the divorce lawyer, and the next day, he sent me the papers to sign. I didn't even hesitate for a second because if I do, I will overthink everything again. I sent it back to him the same day so Paulo can sign it to finalize everything. My lawyer said I don't have to wait for him to sign before I can leave. So I booked a flight immediately and in a week, I find myself waiting for my flight to board, with only a suitcase with me.

I considered a million times if I will call Josh. It would be rude if I didn't, knowing how Josh held me up when I was drowning in my hatred and misery.

"Josh."

"What the fuck Stell. I've been calling you. Come over. 7 pm. You can't say no." Josh said making it hard for me to talk.

"How about you come over at 7 PM Manila time at my house? I'll lay down a red carpet for you."

"Stell, please tell me you're kidding. Where are you? You're joking, right?"

"I'm waiting to board my flight now."

"Fuck you, Stell. How dare you leave without seeing me? How can you leave me with an asshole friend? Come back here. We'll throw Paulo away in the Hudson so you won't have to see him."

I noticed too late that I'm already crying quietly while smiling bitterly.

"Don't. He needs you. You, Ken, and Justin. He needs all of you. You're his family."

"You're our family. The two of you. You're Stell and Paulo. How did you ever think we can live with this decision easily?" By the sound of his voice, I knew that Josh is taking it hard and trying not to cry.

"You're always welcome in Manila. I'll wait. You'll visit me. That's final." I said to clear the air a little.

I heard my flight being called and I said goodbye to Josh.

"Stell, take care of yourself. I won't be there to get mad at you whenever you do something stupid."

"We'll talk, Josh. I promise. I have to go. My flight is boarding."

"I'll miss you, Stell."

"I'll miss all of you. Please tell Ken and Justin I'm sorry. Bye Josh."

"I'll see you, Stell."

I heard him sniffle on the other line. And I remembered to tell him something.

"Josh."

"Yes, Stell?"

"Take care of him?"

"We will."

**_Paulo's PoV_ **

It's been more than a month, and life goes on, as they say.

I went back to work and made good on my promise to fire Cameron. After a few tears from her and some shouting, she left my office so mad at me. But her opinion and what she feels doesn't concern me anymore. When she allowed for herself to be used against me, all the years we're supposed to be friends and all the supposed help she gave to make this company where it is today vanished.

My lawyer advised me on not firing Cameron. If she didn't retaliate, well and good. But if she does and hires someone for being dismissed, we have to settle or go to court with her. But I knew she won't do that. After all, she let me go through, she won't even bat an eyelash for this company. I'm betting on that. She got every penny she lent my company and some more for the service she rendered, but beyond that, whatever kind of relationship we had is now over for good.

I continued going to the therapist after I canceled the couple therapy we have scheduled for a whole month and started going to individual therapy. I think I've ranted in most of them, but at least I have something to occupy my mind with.

My dad got out of the hospital and is now recuperating with my mom by his side. I call her a lot these days, but I never talked to my dad again.

"Mom, why do you stay with him?" I asked her one time.

My mom has always been gentle, but in the instances when she has to be tough, you will easily recognize it. "Because I don't know any other life aside from this. Your dad and I went through a lot of struggles that you don't know. I guess in that way, we've protected you that much. But more than anything, I stayed because of you."

"Mom, I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be. I chose my life and my pain. I know you're going through something right now and I know that at this moment, you feel like it's the most painful thing in the world. But please know it gets better. It will feel better. Not all the time. There will be days that it will be so hard you just want to give up, but remember where you are now and how you've worked so hard to endure."

I know so well that my mom is resilient and smart, but I didn't know she has it in her to be this strong.

"Will I ever forgive myself for cheating on him? That's the one thing that's eating me up. Because that's what triggered everything. And I was so stupid for doing that."

"There are things we can't forgive ourselves for, and we just learn to live with them. I know you love him so much, and I'm sure Stell feels the same. Somewhere down the road, he will forgive you completely and when he does, that's the only time you can forgive yourself. Give yourself enough time to heal."

I can't help myself from shedding some tears when I asked her this, "Mom, will I ever be whole again? I feel like everything in me shattered when he left and I'm just going through life like a broken piece of glass."

"I don't know son. I really hope I do. And I wish to all the gods that you do. Life is unpredictable, and we can only wish for a shred of happiness after all the curve balls life throws at us. But I hope you do. I hope you feel whole again. Don't rush yourself. I will always be here for you no matter what. The whole world may leave you, but I won't."

If anything, I'm just thankful that I have my mom and my friends to help me deal with everything I'm going through.

Justin, Ken, and Josh have been very supportive of me. More than any other time, this is when I appreciate their presence the most.

Justin occupied my mind with investment stuff, things he knows would make me forget a little. Ken urged me to move, "You'll just think about him a lot if you continue living in that apartment." And I did. I moved into a smaller unit in a different part of town, so I can forget about all the places we used to go to in that neighborhood.

It's hard because New York is small. There are times when I have to pass by an off-Broadway theater where he performed and I will just remember how he would force me to read lines with him. What's more painful is passing by Broadway Theater or Central Park where we spent a lot of time together. Passing by his favorite dessert place, his favorite bagel place, our favorite restaurants, places we were together had been tough.

I had a moment of weakness once when I had to relieve some of the best times with him in therapy. I got home from that session at my weakest point. I called Josh crying. Asking him to tell Stell, who he has been in contact with secretly that I miss him so bad and that I want him back. Josh told me that Stell said he's been missing me too. And that Stell has these moments of weakness too. I suddenly have hopes that he will eventually call me.

Until the next day, when the divorce paper arrived and I knew that what we had is really final. Seeing his signature on that paper destroyed all the hopes I had.

**_Stell's PoV_ **

I've been thriving. Going on the third month of moving back home and it hasn't been that easy, but I'm trying and thriving.

My family is helping me a lot with healing. Aside from the fact that I miss them so much, they have been invaluable in taking my mind off of him.

I ran away from my obligation to my family once. When I got back, I have nothing else to do, so I finally let my dad hire me in our company. I was glad for the daily distraction. And little by little, I eventually got excited about the work. I can finally contribute something and I'm slowly getting inspired again. Having our company's well-being and my father's hard work to get this company to where it is now inspired me to put in the effort. I realized I can do something to make things better here.

In my spare time, I still go to the theater. I've reconnected with friends in the community and I'm getting my bearing back. Attending acting workshops. I have already been invited to audition for a role and I'm so happy that my friends here have always been very supportive. Having a little experience in Broadway made my name a bit more appreciated in the theater world here in Manila. And this is the first time I am actually thankful for all the hard times I experienced in New York.

I've never told anyone about him yet. My family knows, but apart from that, no one has an idea that I fell in love, got married, and got divorced there. I guess that part of my life will always be mine to keep as a secret. Even if it hurts, knowing that no one will know about the wonderful man I married.

In passing conversations, I would always be mindful of what I say. But there are times when I would blurt out about our shared experience and I would think about him. Some fleeting, some stays.

"Oh my God, you guys should really visit Bali. I felt like I have been renewed and my spiritually multiplied tenfold. As in, guys, I'm telling you. If you're single, Bali is so worth it!" One theater friend blurted out during dinner one night.

I was eating leisurely, just listening to the chatter, and in my absent-minded state, I said, "It's also a great place to visit when you're a couple."

Everyone looked at me. I didn't understand why they were all smiling at me when that same friend said, "Tell us more, Stell. What do couples do in Bali?" Everyone laughed and urged me to tell more as I blush profusely, thinking about the things Paulo and I did during our honeymoon. And when I say everything, I meant EVERYTHING. The not safe for work stuff included.

The redness of my cheeks deepened as I feel my face getting all heated up, remembering how he kissed me on that treetop hotel room we stayed at. His hands that freely roamed my body back then, the sharp breaths we drew together, my name being moaned by those lips. When we had nothing else to think but the two of us. When no one existed in the world but him and I.

My friends looked at me expectantly, waiting for my next words. "Usual vacation things lang guys. Watch the sunset together ganon. Hike? Brunch at Canggu. Alam nyo yun yung madaming mga hipster place." I said finally finding it in myself to joke around.

"Ayaw namin malaman yung usual, Stell. What we really want to know is kung sino kasama mo? Spill!"

"Wala yon, wag na natin pag-usapan. Matagal nang tapos. Next chapter na."

They urged a couple more times until the conversation drowned out and went to other things. I may not want to spill, but my heart says differently. Because for the first time in months, I have the biggest urge to call him and to hear his voice. For the first time in months, I admitted to myself that I miss him so much. The kind of missing that is free from pain. And for the first time, I smiled thinking about him.

_**Paulo's PoV** _

The hot air hits my face the moment I stepped out of the plane. It's December, but there's a stark contrast between New York and here. As I pass by the tunnel with my carry on in tow, I felt excitement run through my body.

I lined up in the immigration counter that says 'Visitor' and the friendly immigration officer smiled at me instantly.

"Welcome to the Philippines, Mr. Nase. How long will you be staying? Can I see your return ticket, please?" I smiled as I took note of how she pronounced my last name 'Na-se'. So that's how it really is. Being a third-generation led us to believe it was 'Neys' when it has been 'Na-se' all along.

I searched through my document and got a print out of the flight I booked. But it might as well be a prop because I booked it for this exact purpose. Just to show the officer I have plans on going back to the United States.

She cleared me instantly, the moment she read the ticket and welcomed me again. I went straight to get my luggage, a couple of big ones, that contain my whole life.

A Christmas song is playing in the arrival area as I wait for my hotel pickup. Everyone's going about with their activities and I actually heard people humming the song being played in the speakers. So this is what his world is like, I thought to myself.

I reached for my phone and dialed a number, his annoyed tone is apparent as he answers the call. "'Lo? Pau? It's freaking 2 AM here, what the hell are you calling me for?"

"Ken, I'm here."

"I know, stupid. Of course, you're there, where else will you be? Why are you bothering me at this time?"

"To thank you. For pushing me to do this."

"Don't fucking cry on me now, Pau. You were stupid and you know that."

"Yeah, I was. I was fucking stupid."

"Waiting months to do what you were supposed to have done from the start. What will you fucking do without me there?" I know so well that he's joking, but hearing it from him like that made me think. Where would I be now without Ken? Without Josh and Justin?

"Probably in a ditch somewhere in Brooklyn, drinking my pain away. Probably wallowing in pity in my apartment. Probably still with a company that doesn't make me happy like it used to." I said honestly.

"Right. How did your negotiations go by the way? We didn't talk about that during our last dinner together?" Ken asked.

"Pretty good. I don't even care anymore if they bargained lower, I just want to get it done. As long as they keep all my employees in the payroll, I'd be fine with anything. I don't need it. I just wanted to get it over with. As long as he's not the one to buy me out, I'm fine with whatever."

"He fought quite hard for it, huh? Your dad."

"He did. But he'll have to go through hell before I let him acquire what I worked so hard for. Anyone but him. I even put it in the clause with the new owners, They were hesitant, but agreed in the end when I told the CEO what he did."

I can hear the happiness in Ken's voice. They say Ken doesn't show too much emotion, but with his friends, he does. It may seem like he doesn't care, but he actually cared the most. "So... really no plans of going back?" At this, he sounded a bit sad.

"Not anytime soon. Maybe this is a good thing. Start anew."

"With him?"

"Hopefully with him," I said, smiling to myself.

"We will miss you, Pau. But go get him."

"Do you think he'll take me back?"

"If he doesn't at first, I know for sure that you will try again. Because you don't want me to call you STUPID all your life." he joked.

"Yeah, I don't like the sound of that. You calling me stupid all the time will be the absolute worst thing in the world." I paused and said, "Thanks, Ken. I will miss all of you, too. Come visit me as soon as I find a permanent place to live in, okay?"

"Definitely. I'll drag Justin and Josh."

After a while, I saw a man with my name printed on an A4, waving slightly in my direction.

"Ken, my pickup is here. I'll call you again soon."

"Take care of yourself Pau. Let's talk soon."

"We will. Bye."

I dropped the call and approached the friendly man. "Welcome to Manila, sir! We'll make sure you will enjoy your stay!"

When I got to my hotel room, my phone rang. It's my mom calling.

"John, hi."

"Mom, why are you up, it's late there."

"I set my alarm to make sure I call you when you arrived. How was your flight?"

"Uneventful. It was okay."

"Good, that's good. Are you settled in?"

"I just got to my hotel room."

"I just got to my hotel room."

"Ok, I'll let you go. I just want to make sure you're fine."

"I'm fine mom. How about you? How are you holding up?"

"Holding up." She said sadly.

"Mom, I'm sorry. For leaving you at this critical time in your life." I said, feeling disappointment envelop me once again.

"Hey, you don't have to be sorry. I have friends here and people who can take care of me. And I'm still young. Don't you think I can stand on my own two feet." She said, feigning strength in her voice. "If anything, I'd have to thank you, son. For making me brave enough to decide on my own life. I admire your strength. You and Stell. I admire both your bravery to face this battle separately. You inspire me to think about myself for the first time in almost 30 years. To make me believe that I can stand on my own."

"Mom, I'm so proud of you."

"I know sweetheart. I know you are. I haven't been living my life the way I wanted to for the longest time. Although it's hard to leave him with the condition he is in now, I know it's the right time to do it. I can help him without being his wife. I can do things for him if I want to without making it a burden. I think 30 years of being with him was enough. I have to think of myself now."

"You have to come and visit me here, okay?" I said.

"Yeah, definitely. When everything settles down, I'll come and be with you. I'll miss you. But we'll talk okay? I'm so proud of you for taking this leap of faith. Leaving your whole life behind to start anew. I can't be any more proud."

"You know why I had to do it, right? Why I had to leave? I tried mom. But I can't live without him. If this means I would have to work on getting him back my whole life, I will."

"Yes, you had to follow your heart. Go get him. And tell him how you really feel."

"I will mom. Go back to sleep, okay? I'll call you soon."

"Bye sweetheart. I love you so much. Take care of yourself."

"I will mom. Bye. I love you too."

As I lie down in bed that night, there's nothing in my mind but him. I have to try. I owe it to myself to try.

* * *

_"Will you share your life with me for the next ten lifetimes, for a million summers till the world explodes, till there's no one left who has ever known us apart?" - The Last Five Years_

* * *

**_Stell's PoV_ **

I've been pining for this role since they announce that it will have an adaptation in the theater group I belong to.

I've seen the original Off- Broadway show before and it made me cry so hard. After I got back to Manila, I watched the film and I had to stop multiple times to be able to get through it in one piece.

I'm now at the backstage, waiting for the show to start, preparing myself for the role of Jamie. The guy who fell in love got married, got tired, cheated, and left.

It's the first show, so I want to peek into the audience to see my family. But the role requires major acting, so I have to make sure that I'm in character.

My appearance happens during the second scene so I readied myself when the last line of 'Still Hurting' played. The curtain dropped, I kissed Ana, the actress playing Cathy on the cheek to wish her luck and we both sat down in the middle of the set, a makeshift pier to start our song.

We were so focused that I didn't have the time to look to the crowd to see my family.

During the scene when we are supposed to get married, we are half facing the audience and I scanned quickly for my family at the front row. But instead of them, a familiar face that's not supposed to be there came into focus.

I'd recognize that face anywhere. I'd recognize that hair, those eyes, that nose, those lips. I'd recognize that stare because I have been rendered speechless by those stares hundreds of times before.

I'm supposed to face the actress who's playing Cathy during these lines, "Will you share your life with me for the next ten lifetimes, for a million summers till the world explodes, till there's no one left who has ever known us apart?" But I can't take my eyes off him. His lips curved into a slow smile. I felt my co-actor press my hand and I immediately looked at her to continue the song lyrics. But my mind stayed with the man in the front row.

Paulo's eyes never left me. I know, because I became so conscious by the way he's looking at me that I can almost feel that I'm losing concentration. But I had to power through the rest of the show.

When the show ended, everyone's inside celebrating and I wondered if he stayed. I stepped out of the main floor to look around and I was disappointed when there's no one there. Was I hallucinating? Is it really him? Maybe my mind is just playing tricks on me.

I went back inside to the dressing room to mingle with my co-actors and our families. One by one, people started to leave. "We'll see you in an hour for dinner, okay?" My dad said smiling at me before hugging me. My mom and sister followed and they went out together while I change out of my stage costume.

My mind still saying it was him. I will never mistake that face for anyone. I've been an inch away, and sometimes even zero inch away from that face. I will never forget it. I started to tear up. Thinking that maybe I just really miss him.

I stepped out of the dressing room, out of the employee exit, glancing quickly at the main floor when a tall man caught my attention. He's in blue trousers and suit with a dark shirt underneath. He's carrying a bouquet of yellow and orange roses in his arms. He's facing the audience exit so he didn't notice when I stepped behind him.

"Hi?" I said nervously.

He whipped around when he heard my voice.

"It's really y-you."

_**Paulo's PoV** _

"Y-yeah, it's really me." I looked him up and down. I can't believe he's here standing in front of me. I felt silly holding the roses in my arms so I extended my hand to him, almost shoving the bouquet on his chest. He laughed slightly and God, did I miss that smile.

"What? I mean when? How are you here?" He said while cradling the bouquet in his arms. We're a few feet apart and no one seems to want to go near.

"I've been here a week. I heard about your show from Josh."

"Ahh, okay that makes sense. Him and his big mouth, huh?"

"Yeah, can't help himself." I'm looking at his eyes and I can't seem to peel them off of him.

"You came here just to see my show? For business? Are you with anyone?" HIs rapid questioning is making me want to go near him and just hug him. He looks so handsome by the way his hair falls on his eyes.

"Can we go to dinner? I mean not now. I know you're with your family. I saw them earlier. I was gonna say hi, but I'm afraid they won't recognize me."

"Of course they would!" He said excitedly. "But yeah, I'm supposed to go to dinner with them."

"Maybe tomorrow?"

_**Stell's PoV** _

Tomorrow? I don't think I can wait till tomorrow to talk to him.

"Uhm, let me go make a call," I said. I'm supposed to turn my back on him when he called my name. "Yes?" I said nervously.

"Nothing, I j-just want to look at you longer."

I blushed profusely, feeling the same thing I felt the first time we met.

"Can I ask you something, Pau?"

He nodded.

"What are you really doing here?"

Paulo stepped a couple of steps closer to me.

"Taking a chance."

"A chance at what?"

"A chance at happiness."

"And what if you don't find it here?"

"I'd try it again, Stell. I'll try until there's nothing left of me."

"Why? Why now? How about your life? Your future? Your career? How about a chance at your own family?" I asked, remembering his father's words. 'Even if you have your own kids, I won't recognize them as my own grandchildren. Is that what you want? For Paulo to have a broken family?' My ears turned red and all of I sudden, my hatred resurfaced.

"Did he use that to scare you away?"

"Maybe?"

"Then there's nothing to fear anymore. I gave up that life to be here. To be near you. You're the only one that matters in this world. You're the only one I'd fall for over and over again, Stell."

I made a step towards him and by now we're just an arm's length apart. If I make another step, we'd be face to face. But I didn't have to do it, because he already did it for us.

Our faces are inches away now. I can smell his breath on my face. Only the bouquet of flowers separating us.

"You gave up your life in New York to be with me?" I whispered while staring at him. He nodded.

"Why?" I asked while moving a stray hair away from his face.

"To do this."

Paulo grabbed the bouquet and as soon as it hits the floor, his lips are on mine, kissing me tenderly. I opened up for him. Letting him feel that I've been aching for this, too.

When I saw him in the audience earlier, that's when I realized that I will never not love him. I'm not about to fall in love with him again, because I never fell out of love. It's always been him. It's always been us.

We break off from the kiss to catch a breath. "Until when are you staying, Pau?" I said breathily.

"Forever Stell. I'll stay here forever with you."

And just like that, our lips met. Never to part again.

-the end -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so so so much for reading this. I don't even know what to say now. This has been quite a tough road for me. This AU tested my patience, my emotions. I didn't realize until the end that I also went through all their hardships.
> 
> This is again different from all my other AUs and there are times when I don't want to continue. But I'm glad I did, because I learned a lot about myself and what I'm capable of.
> 
> This is not perfect. But I hope you were able to enjoy the journey as much as I did. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.
> 
> -18auone (@18au1 on Twitter)

**Author's Note:**

> Would love your reaction, comments or kudos. :)


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